Done!

I crossed something off my bucket list this weekend. The first and only thing so far, actually. I didn't even know I HAD a bucket list until just a few months ago, when I decided to sign my BFF and I up for our first 5K. And not just an ordinary 5K - a run in Disney (I'm a "go big or go home" kind of gal.) Pardon the pun, but I wanted to find my happy pace in my happy place. It was extra incentive.

You may already know that I was the girl who said she'd "never run." You may also already know that I am kind of short for my weight, and this made it a bit harder on me and my knees. If you've followed my blogs, you may also know that I start and stop things without finishing them a lot. This is something I am working to overcome in this New Year.

What happened this weekend, to me, was nothing short of a miracle. I know that to some, it's "only" a 5K. I know that to others, it's 3.1 miles of un-doableness (my word).

I had a plan. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app (now called "Ease Into 5K") and started off slow. 45-seconds-of-running kind of slow. The day I ran for two minutes I thought I might die (yes, I sometimes have a flair for the dramatic, but for real- I thought I might die). I gradually worked my way up to 15 minutes non-stop just a few weeks before we were to leave.

Cue the shin splints.

A week before the run, they were almost unbearable. "Here we go again" was the anthem in my head that week. It was a Murphy's Law event that happens to me a lot.  But, I heeded some good advice from my doctor and left for the trip pretty much pain-free. But I was scared, and doubted my ability to run.

Up until the actual run, I kept going on about my plan for the race. "OK, let's run for 15 minutes, then walk for 3, and then see how far we can run before we have to walk again." Running the whole race was not an option, because I was 100% certain I could not run the whole thing. Until I went to the port-a-potty.

Guess I better explain THAT one.

The morning of the race we stood in line to use the bathroom. In front of us was a woman with a little girl that I started to talk to. She was very overweight, by at least 100 pounds. She explained she had already lost 150 pounds just by running. I asked if she was running the 5K and she said "No, I'm doing the half tomorrow."

Half. As in half marathon. As in 13.1 miles.

My friend and I looked at each other and right then and there decided "We are running the whole thing." That woman whose name I did not catch was the inspiration that we could do it. God bless her, she gave us the confidence that we needed. When I've watched the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon I've often thought "If they can do it, so can I" - and this woman was a real life, right in front of us example of endurance and commitment and confidence. I don't believe I stood in her line by accident. Divine intervention was at work.

My goal was a realistic "under 45 minutes". I am happy and proud to say I finished in 40 minutes, 15 seconds, and I ran the whole thing. There were times I wanted to stop and there were times I did not trust this body of mine to get me through but I pushed on, because for once in my life I wanted to finish something I started, darn it.

It's one thing to do something someone else says you can't do. It's a kind of "in your face!" moment. But when you do something that YOU say you couldn't do, it's such a deeply spiritual, emotional breakthrough. I am forever changed by this experience, it's mine and no one can take it from me, and I did it. I don't need accolades from anyone, I don't need to wait for words of praise. I don't need anyone's approval. I have accomplished something that shifted my entire being into wanting to be a better version of me -I've neglected myself for too long, and made excuses for that neglect, and blamed other people's actions for MY bad choices. Nope, this is all about me now. I just know that I've turned a corner mentally, and my physical struggle is just beginning, but the hard part really is over. I have let go of the fear and the doubt and the lack of self-worth and am starting to believe in myself again, even when I don't think other people believe in me or find me worthy. I am believing Jeremiah 29:11 for me, really believing it, and starting to live like I believe it, instead of wallowing in my self-pity and wondering who really loves me for me. The feeling of being "unlovable" has gotten me to being 50 pounds overweight, but I am determined to conquer this once and for all.

I love me for me, and I will start showing it so that others can see it in the way I take care of myself. Never again will I say I can't do something.

Listen up!

For a long time I was listening to the wrong voices. One of them was my own - that little, small, cowardly voice that would say "you can't do that" when I started to feel like I could. I also listened to others, who, "meaning well", would discourage me from doing something I wanted to do. (Grammi, I know exactly how you feel!) 


(please note, I do not actually hear voices. This is a metaphor. No worries here (:) 


Tomorrow, I leave for Florida with my sister in law/BFF for a 5K. It's been in the works for almost 6 months now. It's the top item on both of our bucket lists. 


This has been a long time coming. If you've been following my blog from the beginning, you know it was borne from a desire to change after a bad accident changed my attitude on life. I was certain, for quite a few months while I recovered, that I simply could not do certain things ever again. If you had told me then that I would ever run a 5K, I would have bet you money that I could not have done it. 


And yet, I leave tomorrow. 


I was the girl who listened to the voice that said "You can't run. Your knees were all torn up in the accident. You have bad knees. You're too heavy. You'll have to settle for walking." 


After I got over that, and saw how my body was healed and whole again and actually started to believe I could run (with the help of the Biggest Loser, and the "Ease Into 5K app by Bluefin- I highly recommend it BTW!) I heard the voice again when it was time to step up my running. I tried to stay in my comfort zone, ignoring the next day's training regimen and staying where it was safe. Until I went for it. I will never forget the day I ran for FIVE WHOLE MINUTES (it's in capitals because it was a big deal then) and came into the house and burst into tears when my husband asked me how it went. I was just so damn proud of myself. Something in me shifted that day, and I became a whole lot braver in what I was capable of. 


I have learned that I don't have to listen to the voice that tries to discourage me from doing something that's good for me. Because a lot of times, that voice lies. 


This road was long, and hard. A friend of mine who started training AFTER me finished a 5K months ago. I started and stopped and then started again BUT what's important is that I have learned that two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward. I didn't give up. That counts for something! 


I am currently recovering from shin splints. One voice I DID listen to was the doctor's when he told me to take it easy this week. That was actually hard advice to follow. I was absolutely, positively convinced that if I didn't run a little this week, I would not be able to complete the 5K on Friday. It was kind of an irrational thought, since I have been training for weeks and weeks...but that nagging voice kept saying over and over that I was going to fail if I didn't practice some more. My other BFF, an avid runner, also told me to rest. Still, I wanted to run, because that voice told me that it would mess up my whole routine if I didn't. But I rested, because I had come too far to hurt myself and not be able to participate. I trusted my doctor and iced & took Aleve and elevated and compressed. Today, the day before I leave, I am feeling pretty good - no leg pain. I am so happy I listened to the right voice. Solomon was right to ask for wisdom. It's one of the greatest gifts we can have. 


I'm totally not in the best shape of my life (cue the understatement of the year award), and at 50 pounds overweight, this run may be a struggle. I may have to walk for a few minutes here and there, and I am not looking to finish in a certain time our anything. My goal? To cross the finish line. (and not on a stretcher haha) Because that to me will be the moment when I truly, madly, deeply know that YES I CAN. No matter what anyone (including me) says! 


I still hear "that voice". But it's somewhat quieter now. And I'm starting to overcome it and squash it before it can get out a whole sentence. It certainly was not audible when I packed my suitcase tonight: running shoes, special running socks, a bright pink headband, sports bras. It was a runner's suitcase. 


I'm a runner.

Catch me if you can! 

Judgment

This is a word I often misspell. I always want to put an extra "e" in it. I have to look it up, every time. Anyway, my spelling quirks aside, it's also a word that can divide people and cause misunderstanding.

With my recent entry into a weight-loss contest, I have been the victim of some judgmental comments. Some of them are just good-natured ribbing from my friends (you don't need to lose that much! they'll laugh you out of there!) but some of them have been a little hurtful - implying I don't "deserve" the chance as much as others since I "only" have 50 pounds to lose.

One of my favorite quotes (attributed to Plato) is "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." 

We never know what someone is going through if we just look at the surface. We don't know the "back story" - it's not always readily available, and we should hold our judgment if we don't have all the facts. Heck, I am of the opinion that we should hold it anyway, and just be kind.

I have learned in my field not to judge. It's a lesson I learned the hard way. As a hotel manager, I come across scores of people every day. A recent encounter brought this home for me even more.

I went to a local chocolate shop to pick up some gifts for a Facebook giveaway we were doing at work. It's the cutest little chocolate shop ever, and we have spent thousands and thousands of dollars there since the hotel opened. I had worked out a discount with the retail manager to get 20% off their signature item and 10% off all other gifts.

Almost every time I went in to make a purchase, there was confusion over our discount. They would say we 'weren't in the book' but then I'd mention the manager's name and they'd key in our discount.

A few days before Christmas we were in the book - but it listed only our 20% discount. A manager was called over (a different lady than I had worked with) and she was immediately hostile as I tried to explain my discounts - saying "not even a CEO of a major company would get that" and just being mean. When I told her I would buy my chocolate elsewhere, I was met with a curt "That's your prerogative" and she dismissed me with an icy cold stare. I told her I wasn't buying any of the chocolate I came in for and left. Once I got to my car I started calling people to tell them about my encounter with the (um let's say it rhymed with "witch") from the chocolate store.

Hmmph. I left the store without making my purchases, and immediately set out to find the CEO of the company to write a letter about my experience. To wrap this story up, let's say I finally got in touch with him, wrote him an eloquent letter and told him that her refusal to give me my discount (which amounted to all of $1.77 on this occasion) just cost his company my business. Was it worth it?

Among his sincerest apologies, and after a lengthy conversation, he shared with me that this woman's husband had recently been killed.

Wow. OK, so this did not excuse her behavior, because I simply had no way of knowing that at the time. But had I remembered my quote (Be kind - everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle) I might have at least shown her through my actions (which, unlike hers, are completely in my control) that I was not being judgmental of her actions. Yes, I later bawled at the realization that her "meanness" was because of the extreme hurt she was feeling at having lost her husband (right around Christmastime no less). But I simply didn't know. But I still should have been kind, and not met her tone with a tone of my own.

I am taking steps to heal myself, inside-out and outside-in. Although I don't always care to share what my "battle" is, I do know that everyone deserves a chance to better themselves, through any means available. I am taking that chance by the horns, and if it's meant to be it will be! In reviewing the other entries, I was moved by the struggles, some apparent, some under the surface not meant to be revealed now, but apparent in the fact that they are at an unhealthy weight and attempting to fix that.

My 50 pounds is my mountain. It's a battle I am fighting and I appreciate the support of those who know how much this means to me. It's as important to me, in my perspective, as someone who needs to lose 150 pounds. Getting healthy isn't something to be reserved for those who are the most unhealthy. No matter where you are in your journey - be it 200 pounds from your goal or 20 pounds from your goal - the struggle mentally is the same - those who have struggled know how that feels, to try and get your mind and body aligned in joining the fight. It's still worth fighting for, even if others "judge" your journey based on what you have to lose.

Fight on, friends of all sizes! We are worth it! Consider this:

"It's not the size of the dog in the fight...it's the size of the fight in the dog." ~ Mark Twain

Resolve

As the New Year draws near, a lot of people are taking about (insert collective groan here) resolutions. 


I got a funny text cartoon today - one dog asked another "What exactly IS a New Year's Resolution?" The other dog answered, "It's a 
'To Do' list for the first week of January."


It's funny 'cuz it's true, right? 


I don't want to set myself up for failure by making promises I can only halfheartedly keep. Today, out of the blue, I decided I was going to add a "because" to the end of each resolution. I had to choose wisely. A "because" means there's a reason for it. 


Old resolution: I want to lose weight. 


New resolution: I want to lose weight because I am concerned about my health and want to feel better, and get off my cholesterol medicine. 


I know you're supposed to be specific too - like, "I want to lose 40 pounds". That doesn't work for me though - because it sounds too big and I can't keep up with the bigness of it. I'll stick with my "becauses." They help me focus on the feeling. 


I want to pack my lunch for work because if I don't pack, I make unhealthy choices that make me feel bad. I also want to pack for my husband and son because I want them to eat healthier too. 


I want to exercise more because when I do, it helps improve my mood and will help me reach my weight loss goal. 


I want to make a date night every month because it helps me feel closer to my husband. 


I want to dress nicer for work because it helps me feel more confident. 


Yup, I have a few resolutions. And I will certainly try to resolve to keep them. I will also resolve to forgive myself when I don't - because when I do, I am being kind to myself, and I can get back on track easier when I am kind to myself. 


Try to add your "becauses" - it helps make your resolutions more emotionally attached and may make them more than just a "TO DO" list. I know it made me think harder about why I was picking the things I did. A New Year can be full of hope, and the last thing we want to do is have our resolutions making us feel hopeless! 


Here's a favorite quote to leave you with: 

"We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." - Edith Lovejoy Pierce.

Blank pages! Woo hoo! What story will YOU write in 2012? 

Happy New Year everyone! 

Dream a little dream...

This is not me. I will never look like this.
But this is how I will FEEL next Friday! 

We hear a lot about "living out our dreams." I was just talking to my brother about this the other day. His dream is to move to California "someday." He has had this dream for a little more than a year. And he's no closer than he was a year ago, because he keeps getting sidelined by this, that or the other thing. He lost his focus, and now his dream seems like an impossibility. I tried to encourage him (young and unattached, there's nothing stopping him!) but I know all about people trying to convince you to do something before you are convinced that you actually deserve it. 


I'll be living out a dream of mine next week, when I run my first 5K in Disney World with my BFF. It's literally going to be a dream come true. And I am making it happen. It feels surreal now, but I finally will be putting into action something I've dreamed about for quiet some time. And that's just the beginning of my "New Year, New Me" attitude. I may not finish it in record time, but by gosh by golly I am crossing that finish line, and I am already proud of myself. 


I recently entered a contest that if I win, may take me away from home for about a month. At first, I thought I couldn't do it. "No way", I thought. I didn't dare to DREAM I could make it happen. Because that would mean I'd have to put myself first. This kind of ties in to yesterday's post, because putting myself first would kind of take me out of my comfort zone. 


As my husband prepared to help me with the contest video, I asked him, "OK, before we go any further, do I have your blessing to do this even if it means I'm away from home for month?" Without hesitation, he answered "yes." It took me back to February 2006, to the part of our vows (which I am proud to say I wrote myself) where we promised to "support one another in our goals." 


Supportive, he was. (there goes my Yoda again!) Thanks, honey. 


As moms, our nurturing instinct almost forces us to put others before ourselves. And that is definitely OK, to an extent. It's a loving, kind thing to do. But you also have to make time to be loving and kind to yourself, too. It's kind of easy to forget. I remember a therapist friend once giving me the analogy of the airplane spiel before take-off: "Parents of young children, be sure to secure your own oxygen mask before assisting children". Make perfect sense, right? In that scenario, you have to be the one in control of yourself so that you can take care of others. 


Anyone else hear that "ah ha?" 

When you don't take care of yourself, you really can't 100% take care of others. Not for an extended period of time. I get cranky and grumpy and am just kind of unhappy when I don't feel right about myself. But I push that down and ignore it, because that's who I am. Most days. But not today. I'm dreaming of a chance to change my life...


Me, selfish? Never. But I can also be aware that I am deserving of an opportunity to find the balance I lost a while back. I have had successes and failures (in that order) just as many of you have. And they can get discouraging. I have a few sets of 'before' and 'after' pictures. I'm kind of a 'before' again. And it's OK. Because I realized yesterday, in entering this contest, that it's OK to admit to yourself that you need a little help, a little "time out" to work on YOU, and with the support of those around you, it's possible to DREAM BIG. I went to the Biggest Loser Resort for a week over a year ago, and I allowed the stresses of life to get in the way of reaching my goal after I got back - not unlike some contestants you see that gain some (or all, or more) of their weight back. Lesson learned. I love evolving,  learning from mistakes. I also love it when I have a moment of clarity in an ordinary day, to help me with an internal struggle over doing the right thing.


Today I made my son and I an egg sandwich. One of the eggs fried up kind of funny. The yolk went all to one side, and it was a funny shape. The other egg was perfect. Guess which one my son got? My funny-looking egg sure tasted fine, and my son never even knew that I gave him the "better" egg - it never occurred to me to think twice about it, and as a mom/wife I've done a gazillion similar things over my lifetime. I'll do more. That's who I am. I give the best to those I love, and take what's kept over for myself. As I ate my funny-looking egg, I reflected on that. Do I regret it? No way. But I realized that maybe, once in a while, it's OK to do something just for me, because of all the little sacrifices I make every day (and I am not talking about the egg. It's not that big of a deal- but Moms out there will relate to what I'm getting at). 


I bought myself a daily devotional as a Christmas gift to myself. It's Joyce Meyer's "Love Out Loud." If I ever needed confirmation that I was doing the right thing in putting myself first, I got it in yesterday's page. Here's an excerpt: 

"We all need and want to believe that the future will be better than the past for us. ...some people are afraid to believe. They think believing will set them up for disappointment. They need to realize they will be perpetually disappointed if they don't believe. I feel that if I believe for a lot and get even half of it, I am better off than I would be to believe for nothing and get all of it. I challenge you all to start believing for good things in your life. ...dream big dreams and believe they can come true - because nothing is impossible with God!" 

Here's hoping you can do something just for you - soon. 
Put yourself first! Dream a little dream. 


As for me, I'm gonna

Comfort

What's your definition of comfort? 

For most people, it's the image at left. A soft fuzzy blanket, a soft fuzzy kitten...warm & fuzzies, that's for sure. 

For some people, it's in a bottle, and the "morning after" is anything BUT comfortable. 


For me? Well, on most days, comfort looks something like this: 

 Seriously...doesn't she look COMFORTABLE? Um....OK, maybe I have a little problem. And by little, I mean big. I often seek comfort from food instead of where I should find it (more on that later). If you're like me, some days you can be totally oblivious to chocolate drops calling your name. But one bad day at work...one misunderstanding with a friend...one fight with someone you love, and BAM! You seek the comfort zone. And it's smooth and velvety on oh yes, there is scientific evidence that it releases endorphins that just make you "feel good" - at least for a little while. Until you're in what I call the Reality Zone, and you're face to face with this: 

 I've had a love-hate relationship with my scale. I love when it doesn't show what i haven't done. And I hate when it does. 

Over the past few months, I have written about my new adventure in running. I am the girl who said she could not run. Now, my first 5K is 11 short days away. And I am running for my life. I am running to show that I CAN commit to and finish something. Because this blog has been a run-on sentence for me, and I just want to add a period somewhere. No, make that an exclamation point! And I will, because slowly, but surely, I am finding my way. And I try and I fail, but I keep trying, and that's what is important. 

Today's run was tough. With the realization that we just have 4 more runs together before we leave for Florida, my BFF and I kicked it up a notch. It was a big notch to kick. Guess what? 

I was out of my comfort zone. Way out.

Oh I know, been there, done that, plenty of times. But this time was a little different. Because after the run (during which I was sure some part of my body would fail and I would be carried home on a sleigh which had to be nearby because yesterday was Christmas and all) I realized that I was indeed QUITE comfortable with what I just accomplished. And maybe my "comfort zone" needed to be reassessed, because I have spent an awful lot of time being uncomfortable there. 

When we dare to push ourselves beyond our self-imposed limits, we realize that we are more than what we (or perhaps someone else) gives us credit for. Tonight, I had other sources of comfort. Ones that won't make me feel bad in the morning. Ones that inspired, instead of tired, me. Warm & fuzzy? You bet.

Here's hoping YOUR comfort zone is indeed a true source of comfort! 

 

Click

Sometimes it takes a while for something to "click". Especially for me.


Sometimes it takes something bad to happen. Like, my doctor prescribes me a pill that rhymes with "fatten" in order to control my cholesterol. That sure scared me into paying better attention to what I ate.

Sometimes it's prayer that helps something to click. Like when God revealed to me that I had a serious problem with chocolate, and led me to fast from it. I set myself a date of Christmas as my goal to refrain from eating chocolate bars. And like the promise I made during Lent, this one was to God, and I sure ain't breaking that! I've been "chocolate free" for over 2 months, and it has really helped me focus on sacrifice.

Last week, something else clicked. A month ago I joined Weight Watchers - in person. I've been a member online for longer than I can remember, and it was simply time to get back to the meetings. I found one I could attend on my lunch break. I needed the accountability at the weigh-ins.

                                           Week one. Weigh in.
                                           Week two.  I stayed the same.
                                           Week three, I lost .2 (thank God I peed before I weighed in)

When I left after week 3, having lost .2 in 3 weeks, it clicked.

I wasn't doing what I should have been doing and the numbers did not lie. In order to have a good weigh in, I had to eat less and exercise more (news flash!)

So, I got on it. Ran three times, walked twice, counted every BLT (for those of you not on WW it's an affectionate term for bites, lick and tastes)

Week four. Down 2.2

It's not rocket science. It just has to "click" at the right time. A series of events helped it click for me, and everyone is different. My circumstances are different than yours. All I know is that once I gave over control, and let God lead the way, it clicked.

When I ran this past week, I crossed a barrier that for me was a big deal. Week 5 of my Couch 5K.It was the longest I'd ever run without stopping, and by the end of the run, I felt so unbelievably pround of myself. For those who know-me know me, that's new.

I set myself a goal of 5 pounds before Disney, which is in 2 weeks. I know something may come along to throw a dent in that, but I also know that when I plan and commit, I feel better about myself and everything in my life, and nothing is an excuse to eat. No emotion that stems from other people's actions is going to make me make an unhealthy choice for my body.

Click.

I would eventually love to get off my statin. I wish it would have clicked before I ever had to take it in the first place...but then I wouldn't be writing this right now and potentially help it click for someone else. (-:

It may or not be audible but you'll feel it when it "clicks" for you!