I have thought about "results" a lot lately, in more ways than one.
Last week I had some tests done after a meeting with my doctor that left me reeling. Words like "mass" and "MRI" and "surgery" were used, along with the oh-so-terrifying "oncology department"...I would get some tests and await the results.
Although I have been known to dramatize a bit (and I've won many an Oscar bestowed by my husband for my performances) this storyline had enough drama for me - the doctor "didn't like the looks" of things and had me genuinely scared.
Scared as in scared for my life.
In those moments when you think something "bad" might be brewing, time changes. It goes on like normal for everyone else, but your world kind of freezes. The words rattled in my head and suddenly, my future plans were in jeopardy. Heck, my future was in jeopardy. I got the tests and the waiting game began.
Now, all in all, I had a mere 48 hours to wait for my results. However, in those 48 hours I had plenty of time to think. And by think, I mean worry. Everything seemed different. The leaves on the trees - were they that green yesterday? I swear the air smelled fresher too. How much longer would I appreciate that? And how many times had I taken the beauty of nature for granted? I took time to stop and smell the proverbial roses. And lamented that I might not get to take that vacation I was planning later this year...might not get to see my son graduate, get married, have babies... worried that I was going to die fat.
Wait - what? Did I really think that? How did that get in there with those meaningful "things to come" list?
Yup. Honest to goodness, I was worried about who would carry my heavy coffin. (This is kind of where the drama kicks in, but stay with me please). I was so mad at myself for not enjoying the life I had when I had it. If this was something bad, I would feel like I "wasted" time. Wasted the chance to really "live" and be happy. By being at my goal weight.
It wasn't until the good news came that I snapped out of this ridiculous cycle of negativity and felt, quite literally, reborn. Shallow, shallow girl.
The phone rang, my doctor's somewhat hesitant voice saying things like "normal" and "fine" and admitting she was surprised by the findings (which came after many people prayed - just sayin'). I hung up the phone and tried to call my husband. No answer. My mom. Busy. My sister. No answer. My best friend. Nothing.
And then it dawned on me...there was really only one person I needed to talk to right then, and that's why the other connections failed. I simply collapsed in a chair, held out my hands, and thanked God for the good results. I cried those tears that come in a moment of sheer relief and happiness. I realized that all I had worried about...all those things I wanted...well, they were now possible. I could see them...do them...feel them. There is not greater joy than that which comes after you think you're about to lose everything and then you get it all back.
I analyzed my thoughts and after the "you need therapy" realization I thought about other results that I had been waiting for but never came. The ones I had control over.
I have stepped on the scale way too many times to count where I actually close my eyes shut and wish upon a star that it will say what I want it to. But the results are not good.
That moment where I worried about dying at a heavy weight? Pathetic or trivial or shallow to some, but others will sooooooo get where I'm coming from. And the fact that I thought it at all? Well, that's saying something and I heard it loud and clear.
I kind of have some priorities screwed up right now. And I am trying so, so hard to line them back up in the right order. By the grace of God, I have not given up. I have backslid, I have fallen off the wagon, but I always get back up. If not physically, then mentally at first. But I know that the results that I am seeing today are NOT going to be good for my future. And the scare I had showed me that there are some results I can control and some I cannot. And by gosh by golly, with this renewed zest for life and wanting to live it to the fullest, I need to make sure I do what I need to do to get the results I want.
I had a revelation with someone close to me around this time that I was waiting for my test results. We had been discussing something from the past - something hurtful that we had kept inside for years- and while we were discussing it I realized how absolutely tiny and small this problem seemed. That I was holding onto hurt and regret from years ago when here I was waiting for my test results to find out if I had cancer or not. This thing didn't matter anymore and I was able to release it and let it go. It's the same realization I saw my Dad have, but for him it was in the hospital, on his deathbed, with no second chance at making things right. I had to free myself from the past so that I WOULDN'T have future regrets. Ding ding ding! Same thing needed to be done in my relationship with ME, too. The times I use food to comfort me when I am feeling lonely or unlovable need to be released. The anger I felt at having been hurt made me go to a place where I actually hurt myself by turning to food. Ugh. It's even hard to type it. I am someone who seemingly has it all together, and I lost it. Like, for years.
My motto these days is "two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward." I am not crazy, I am not a complainer, I am just me and trying my best to break my cycle. I believe God allowed this test to happen to shake me where I stand and get me moving so that I can head towards my abundant life. Because I was at a stalemate with my resolve and I didn't see the green leaves or smell the fresh air and I needed to get that appreciation for life back, and not waste it on trivial things that just don't matter. I should be lovable no matter what size I am, but I simply don't love myself at this size. Time to fix that. Because when I feel truly loved, I want to be my best.
I received an unusual gift through this experience. I was able to let something from the past go that I very well may have held onto for a few more years; I was given a new perspective on my relationships; I am now free to get my own good results without fear of impending doom. God gives us what we need to nudge us in the right direction, and I am just so grateful that He chose to show me the light. Again.
I posted this quote on my Facebook tonight:
Where hope would otherwise become hopelessness, it becomes faith. ~Robert Brault
I have faith now that I can do this, and best of all, I have the gift of time. I am blessed and don't want to forget it. I still have to figure some things out, but my outlook is better now.
As for the results? I'll keep you posted.