One can for every pound I lose...bring it!

Monday, April 18, 2011

Chores. Ugh.

I asked my son to help me with the laundry tonight. I got the look. If you have a teenager you know it well. The "I don't wanna" look. My son is a good kid and he does do his chores - but not without the obligatory protest first.

I don't necessarily like all my chores either. There's always a caveat.

I like to do laundry but I hate to iron.
I like to vacuum but I hate to dust.
I like washing dishes but I hate drying them.
I like to be thin but I hate to diet and exercise.

Huh? Diet and exercise? Is that a chore? Well, yeah, come to think of it, it kinda is on some days for me.

It's not a chore to eat cake. As a matter of fact, it's just plain fun. Mmmm, even the sound of "mmmm" let's you know it's a good thing. Pictures like this are the reason this blog is in existence.

I heart cake.

It's no coincidence that eating too much cake (and other stuff) caused me to be on a weight loss journey. I overindulged. You play, you pay. Eventually it catches up to you and you need to do some work to fix it. And the paying is not as fun as the playing. And the journey is filled with all kinds of ups and downs (as my faithful blog readers can attest to) OK, so I don't necessarily always HATE diet and exercise. Being good to myself makes me feel awesome. There are times after Zumba when I feel like I could conquer the world and I am the happiest, most annoyingly giddy person you will ever know. But sometimes it's hard to be good to yourself, on the days when it feels like a chore. The very word "chore" makes it sound like it's gonna be hard anyway. It's a hard, mean sounding little word. I like another word that starts with "cho" but chore is not it.

Sometimes it just takes good old fashioned work to get the job done. The laundry is not going to fold itself, the dishes won't do a Bippity Boppity Boo into my cabinets, and my butt is not going to fall off while I sleep.

God will not always give me an epiphany through the form of a song in the gym or a person in my path or a remarkable coincidence or a scripture that comes to life.  There won't always be a time when we are inspired to be our best. There won't always be a quote or a song or a compliment to motivate us. Sometimes we just have to git-er-done, because we have to, and because we want the result and we know that's the way to get it.

I really wanted to just sit and watch TV tonight. But I got on the bike (which is facing the TV) and pedaled for 1/2 hour. My butt went numb after 15 minutes and I was not a very happy camper, but I did it. I know it's a necessary step to get my result, so I did it. I hated it, but I did it.

Maybe tomorrow it won't feel like a chore, when I have my happy music on, when I step on the scale and see a good number or when I hear the birds singing and realize how blessed I am to be here. But if it does, I'm still gonna do it, because I'm mad at my butt for being too big.

This is me today, and that's all I got. Hope you can relate and get your chores done too. I'll let you know if this chick shows up. If not, you can find me at the gym tomorrow.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Quit Talkin' Smack

Lately I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about me. 

You're a failure at dieting, You're past your prime, you have a big butt, you'll never lose the weight, nothing fits you, you're wasting people's time talking about it, why's it taking you so long, you don't look good in that, she's thinner than you are, what is your PROBLEM?!, etc.

The nerve, right! 

I mean...who would say such things to sweet, agreeable, motivational me? 

I have really been praying against this negativity but it's so easy to fall back on those negative thoughts. I've even found a few friends who will commiserate with me.  You should hear us: 

"My butt is so big" 
"You wanna compare? MINE'S bigger!" 
"OMG I am starting over again today" 
"At least you're starting!" 
"I am the biggest idiot"
"Can't be bigger than me!"

And so on, and so forth. (my partners in crime will recognize their quotes and probably laugh. But it's kinda not funny, right? We gotta stop girlfriends! It's not healthy!)

Along with the negative thoughts, I set myself up to be disappointed a lot. Anyone recognize this move? You spend forEVER getting ready for "something" - take extra time on your hair, put your makeup on just right, splash some glitter across your eyelids because you are feeling fabulous, wear something nice, puff a few puffs of your favorite perfume, and then come out of the bathroom for the big reveal. You are waiting for the ooh's and ahh's to start. 

Cue the crickets. 

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt that's too small to wear right now

And then, that familiar voice that only I can hear:

"You're too heavy, that's why no one is telling you that you look nice. Because they don't want you to think you look nice the way you are right now."

Boy, have I wasted a lot of time with this crap. Pardon me, but that's what it is. I mean, I've been shown SO many lessons on how I should be grateful for my healthy body...for my life.

I was talking to someone about my feelings, and her advice was to "know who I am in Christ" and this stuff won't get to me. I thought about that, and this came to mind: 

Finally, a good thought. A kind thought. A thought given to me by the God who created me. A thought I really, really needed.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I am in charge of me and my feelings. I am not responsible for the way anyone else acts or thinks. And how they think and act does not affect my self worth. I don't have to look to others for validation. I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, for someone to help lift me up. But I realized today while in the dressing room at TJMaxx, trying on clothes for an upcoming trip (for which, of course, I haven't a thing to wear that fits) that I can look good, and I don't need to wait for anyone to tell me. I had one of those days today, at TJMaxx, where everything fit - and I liked almost everything I tried on (good for my confidence, bad for my pocketbook, but the confidence won out on this one.) I actually looked at myself in the mirror, and said "Wow you look really nice" (the dressing room was empty, but I really wouldn't have cared). Dare I share that I even blew myself a kiss? (-: It was amazing, that one nice compliment I gave myself really helped my mood. I was friendly to the dressing room lady (usually they see me crying) I didn't care what size was on the tags, I just liked what I tried on and it fit me "now" and it would help make me feel nice, even if no one else noticed. I can bless myself, thank you very much, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So, girlfriends, let's make a pact. Let's quit talkin' smack about ourselves and fake it til we make it. Say it even though you feel silly. It will help, I promise. 
Fearfully and wonderfully made. Say it the next time YOU look in the mirror. Let the meaning sink in. You may notice you see yourself in a different light. 


Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm not coming out 'til I'm skinny!

Hello yeah, it's been a while. 
Not much, how 'bout you? 

OK OK I've been really, really busy. The kind of busy that makes it hard to blog, write, track food, eat healthy, exercise...

I have a friend who told me that she was kind of avoiding me because she had gained some weight and was embarassed. She is a dear, dear friend (and I know you are reading dear friend so I will not use your name or identify you in any way (-;) and I would not even give a second thought to the fact that she gained weight. Cuz so did I since high school! I just wanna see her. I joked that she was talking hermit crab talk and I would have none of it. It was silly to me. So I told her I am coming to see her, and I sincerely hope she will see me (-:

Well, I also did the same silly thing. There's an association I belong to as a hotel manager, and there are monthly meetings. I have put them off and sent someone else in my place because the last time anyone saw me was 25 pounds ago. (yes, I measure time in pounds, I know a lot of you do too). I would just be too embarrassed to go, cuz that's not how they remember me. 

Well, God has put certain things in my path both humorous and serious, to let me know how to put things in perspective. 

I was shopping at JC Penney the other week (ya know, one of the weeks I was not blogging!) and I needed something to wear for a presentation I was giving in Dallas. It was an important meeting of important people and I simply did not have a thing to wear that fit

So I tried some stuff on and finally settled on a pretty blue blouse that matched a necklace I had just bought at a friend's jewelry party (I know you do that too) Problem was, it was a size 12. I was really bummed about that. I said some mean things to myself in the dressing room. I almost considered getting the 10 (because it was smaller) but then realized that having buttons pop off when I sat down probably would not a good impression make to these very important people. 

I begrudgingly stood in line feeling all sorry for my Size 12 Self when, just as the wave of self pity finished washing over me, a young man walked by. At least, he tried to walk by. He was assisted by a walker and was struggling to make his body go in the direction he wanted it to. I was suddenly very ashamed of the value I was putting on my size, standing there perfectly healthy (other than a few extra pounds over which I have control) while this young man, bless his heart, was not complaining about anything, but doing the best he could all on his own to get where he needed to be. He could not change the fact that he was physically challenged, but he sure wasn't going to let that stop him. Cue the self awareness.

I don't want to forget my blessings, I really don't. I also don't mean to compare in any way, a physical handicap to my weight problem. It just really slammed me back into perspective. After my devastating car accident in October of 2009, I was terrified to drive. I remember on one of my first attempts I pulled over, hysterically crying, and had my husband come and get me, because someone had pulled out in front of me and I completely freaked. I was uber-careful for the months after that. Little by little, I relaxed. And I don't need to "re-live it" every time I drive, but I also can't take for granted the fact that I survived and that God has a purpose for me. I need to remember.

I need to remember that this "big problem" I have is manageable, and it's up to me to find ways to manage it. I've started seeing someone who is helping me manage it, and get control of what I feel is a food addiction. Yes, here is me being vulnerable, but if it helps someone else then there it is and I'm not sorry for it. 

Something else happened yesterday that is more lighthearted. I accompanied a friend to a court hearing for a traffic violation to lend emotional support. While there I got to hear many sad stories, sat through a DWI trial, and had 2 prisoners in orange jumpsuits sit in front of me. Talk about a time for reflection!

There were 2 people there for the same charge - failure to remove snow (for those readers in sunnier states, it's when a bunch of snow falls on your car and you drive away without cleaning it off. Yes, you get a ticket for it and have to go to court. At least, in New Jersey you do.) 

So, the one lady goes up, the judge asks for her plea, and she says "Guilty." He fines her $31 plus $33 in court costs and she's on her way. 

The other guy goes up, the judge asks for his plea, and he says "Not guilty."

The judge looks up, looks him in the eye, and says, "Sir." 

Pause for effect.

"Sir, did you have snow on your car?"

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you fail to remove that snow from your car?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you then drive your car with the snow on it?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you wish to plead?"


Classic stuff. And because I was bored and have an active imagination, I daydreamed about my day in Diet Court. 

"To the charge of article 355-76, failure to lose weight, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

"Ma'am, did you eat that dessert even though you were full after dinner?"

"Yes your honor."

"Did you also neglect to pack a healthy lunch every day this week?"

"Yes your honor."

"Aren't you wearing size 10 jeans when you should really be wearing a 12?"

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you then wish to plead?"


guilty as charged

So, I need to serve my time. And it will most likely be a life sentence. BUT it's a life sentence in a good way - a chance for me to live my life as a grateful human being who is not in denial and won't squander chances to visit those she loves while they're still here. I want to make sure that I get up every time I fall (and that's a LOT) and that I remember the things that matter. 

Hermit, shmermit. I won't allow the way I think I will look to others determine what I do to make me happy. I'll make the best of here and now and not live in the shadow of a "future me" that is happy because she is thin. I can be happy now, and I can get thin, but those 2 states can function independently of one another. I'm not gonna wait until I'm skinny to do the things I want to do or visit the people I love, because none of us - not one of us - is guaranteed tomorrow. I need to remember that. I need to remember to speak kindly to and about myself. Here's my prayer:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

May we all remember and reflect on how truly blessed we are, and not be hermits from the world - how on earth can we shine our light inside our shells?