My Own Worst Enemy

The cartoon version of my inner struggle

So. Here I am again. Remember me? I'm the girl who has a slip-up, then has an emotional breakthrough and vows never again to allow the negativity to creep in and ruin a good thing.

I feel like a crazy person sometimes. "TODAY" is a new day! A chance to start over using all the tools and resources I was blessed with!" After a while, I sound like the teachers on Charlie Brown to myself...wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Well...some days I'm Batman, some days I'm the Joker. Like, literally, a joke.

One of my best friends and I are Weight Watchers "buddies." She's who I text or call when the "monster" wants to come out and eat (for those of you affected, this needs no explanation). Ya know...I send out the Batsignal. We had a good laugh the other day about our upcoming New Year's Resolutions - to once and for all reach our healthy weights - and the slogans of yesteryear.

We're gonna look GREAT in 2008!

Let's lose our behinds in 2009!

Let's try again in 2010! 

Can you guess what's in store for 2011? Well, eleven rhymes with Heaven, so it's not too hard to guess. (-:

Here's the thing. I know what to do. For real! I cannot feign innocence (why did those cookies make me gain weight?) I know how it works. No one breaks into my house and decides to force feed me for kicks. Nope, I can stuff myself silly all on my own. It's a practiced skill. I know the math too - calories in, calories out.

I know what to do, and (sometimes) I simply don't do it. I ignore my own good advice. Rebel without a pause, that's me. As in, I don't pause to stop and be mindful about what my unhealthy choices will do to me. I go to Zumba, I feel great, I make good choices all day, I gaze adoringly at the smaller sizes in my closet and know that soon, very soon they will fit past my hips, and I am inspired to weigh my two ounces of low-sodium turkey breast and place it lovingly on my sandwich thin - and when I say grace, I thank God for giving me the strength to give my body what it needs, not what it craves. Wow, cue the Sound of Music soundtrack, cuz this is just too perfect.

Well, then AC/DC starts playing and I visit Darth Vader & friends on the dark side of the nutrition table. Christmas cookies? I've discovered that if I eat them all, there will be none left for me to be tempted by. Anyone else belong to that Crazy Club? While I am still wearing my Zumba shoes I stand at the cabinets and try to figure out what nutrient my body is screaming for and justify that it must be the liquid caramel inside the chocolate squares and who cares if caramel isn't a nutrient, my body knows what it needs! Do not even ATTEMPT to stop me when I am on the dark side. I then go into a pattern of self loathing for undoing all the good I did and I snap at my husband and son and I get mad at the fabric of my jeans for shrinking and I don't even like who I AM and I don't want to go to social functions and oh my word, nothing fits me anyway.

Those of you who know me and know my heart, also know that I am a woman of faith who knows and counts her many blessings.

I am also very human and struggling with this food addiction. 90/10 turns into 40/60 some days, and I hate it. I know how GOOD it feels to make GOOD choices, and I pray to be more consistent about it. I just don't understand why I self sabotage.

I'm inspired to perspire and then I eat and feel defeat.

Someone I know had this to say about losing weight: "It just depends how bad you want it." (for their own safety, I will not reveal the author of that quote) In a strange way, he/she is right, even though when I heard it I wanted to deck him/her.

I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I also know that in showing my body kindness, I can also be my own best friend. I just have to believe that everything I have learned, and everything I desire to be, will allow me to be more friend than enemy on a regular basis.

Probably not the right imagery...but that's the Joker in me!

I know that I am just nicer in general when I feel better about myself. I don't lash out at other people because of something I did to myself that they had  nothing to do with! (seriously, so not fair.) I am more confident and less needy and I don't need to rely on excuses to keep me from doing what I want to do. I just do it, because no one else can. And there are plenty of people who I know care about me enough that they would do it for me if they could. Ah, if it were only that easy! But the challenge is mine. I do not want to fail.

For those of you waiting for the 1st, let me remind you (uh, yeah, and me) that every day is New Year's Day. Every day is clean slate - and every hour within that day is a chance to start over. Just because I make one bad choice does not mean I have to wait until tomorrow to make it right. (WASH~RINSE~REPEAT)

SO Happy New Year everyone, get those resolutions started NOW and (sorry, gotta say it!) may the Force be with you!

but stay away from the Dark Side...

Pity, party of one!

You ever hear that country song "Poor, poor, poor me! Poor, poor, pitiful me!"?

That was me this past week. Not really, but in my head it was.

I know, shocking. Some of you might think I poop rainbows - I know I can be pretty motivational at times. But this past week, the motivator needed some motivating.

It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it was the long lines at the stores, the honking of horns in the parking lots, the "what-do-you-mean-it's-out-of stock-it's-the-only-thing-he-asked-for" moments, the overall lack of Christmas cheer from one too many cashiers (I mean, seriously, you don't have a desk job, grow a personality!) Oops, there it was. My bah-humbug.

I started feeling sorry for myself. How I was taking so long to lose the weight I needed. I was stressed at work, feeling bad about a friend that betrayed me recently, thinking about how my Dad was sick this time of year and just overall in a funky funk.

I got a box of Ghiradelli chocolate squares from a neighbor. I got a one-pound bag of milk chocolate Wilbur Buds from a client. (temptation challenge - epic fail). And for those of you who don't know what a Wilbur Bud is...it's probably for the best. Ain't nothing healthy about that creamy, silky-smooth, melt in your mouth, sticks to your hips chocolate drop.

Wait...what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, backsliding. Pity parties.

So, I skipped a weekend of Zumba. I LOVE Zumba! But I was really busy, it was my husband's birthday, and there was a lot to do. And in the one-thing-leads-to-another mentality, I snuck a few chips (salt & vinegar, they are my diet Kryptonite. I know nothing should be forbidden, but I also can't set myself up by buying them!) I didn't plan  - or log - my food. I waited until I was starving and then ate a lot until I was stuffed. I didn't even wear my Bodybugg, cuz what did THAT matter?

I know better.

When I felt pretty awful I reached out to some friends on the Biggest Loser site. I asked for a hug - and immediately got three. The best virtual, you can do it, atta girl affirmations in the world. Really encouraging words - "it's not a daily decision it's an hourly one"; "Noticing you are in a rut is the first part of doing something about it"; "with support of the lovely people you have befriended and with all the great knowledge you have been given - you WILL find your way back, and quickly. OR, at least, in my case - a heck of a lot faster than I would have before" - all so true. Then, my favorite - "You are so much more than ONE bad decision!" (so what if I made more than one, they were one at a time and this was totally appropriate, haha).

Peggy, Janice, Trista - thank you.

Here's the deal: I knew my Biggest Loser pals for all of 7 days. And not "whole" days either, cuz we were all split into groups. But we're on each other's Facebook page and have a little Facebook group and can share advice and compare notes on how we're doing at home. And someone told me that I have inspired them to make positive changes and they were inspired by me. And here I was bah-humbugging. Shame on me.

It was really brought home on Friday when I delivered the gifts to a family we "adopted" at work. On the list? Cereal, toilet paper, some toys for the kids, and jeans for the little boy for school. Because we had so many Team Members out sick, I went by myself. When I pulled into the lot, my first thought was "no one could live here" because it just looked so run down. When I pulled up to the trailer one of the recipients was outside and he was just so pleasant and smiling and took the bags with humble gratitude. His clothes were torn and his coat was too small and he really looked like he needed a good hot shower.

I was so ashamed. Here I am, and my biggest problem is that I've eaten too much and now have some weight to lose. And here was a family who didn't have enough anything, including food. I didn't even make it out of the trailer park when I pulled over and cried to God - first in thanks for what I have and then in forgiveness for taking it for granted and not realizing my blessings and focusing on things that really shouldn't have my focus. I could hardly drive, it was just so powerful. I marvel at how God puts us in certain places to give us just the perspective we need to get back on track. I was right where I needed to be at that moment. Poor me? Hardly!

I re-charged my Bodybugg, put it on, went to Zumba twice this week, planned out my meals and it feels GREAT. I even got a gift from my Zumba instructors - a month of free classes in January - because of how "dedicated" I have been! Wow. Dedicated? Yes, I guess I am. In spite of a few bad decisions, I know where I need to go. What a great boost to end my "party".

Yup, I backslid. Yup, I ate things I shouldn't have and wasn't kind to my body. My bad. I'm not "fixed" yet BUT I sure am different. I'm not going to allow my one bad decision to be an excuse to throw in the towel. The old me would have. The new me knows that I AM more than one or two bad decisions...I am human and imperfect and but I am also forgiven, and can start again any moment, when I choose to.

What happened yesterday doesn't matter. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23) and I will not take THIS day for granted. I'm not where I want to be...but thank God I'm not where I used to be, and the blinders are off. I know how blessed I am, and I know that I may not always make the right choice.

I've re-programmed my destination into my mental GPS, and I'm on my way!

I just don't care anymore

I remember thinking this while I was eating something I shouldn't have after something got me upset or mad (or happy or sad...you know the drill)

"I don't care."

I ate it, I knew I shouldn't have eaten it while I was eating it, and I simply didn't care while I was in that emotional moment. Can I get a what-what?

When nothing fit except the few "fat" clothes I had, and I ran out of the house with my hair in a ponytail and minimal makeup because I didn't like the way I felt, I thought it too: "I don't care."

When I ate what I wanted and the scale sent me a clear message, even though I expected something different (because I was Cleopatra, Queen of Denial)

I didn't care.

I guess I DID care afterwards, when I realized I wasn't making choices that would support my ultimate goal: achieving a healthy weight, a normal BMI, and getting off the cholesterol medicine. But then I didn't care enough to change it, cuz that was too hard.

I stopped caring about myself. Isn't that what gets us to be overweight? I mean, honestly. We stop caring about ourselves. Or we care for others before ourselves. We stop caring about doing the right thing, and we make reckless choices. And by we, I mean me. (-:  Maybe you can relate.

Biggest Loser Resort changed me...sort of (more on that below). I realized while I was there that I could wear a bathing suit and no one would make fun of me. I could worry about the calories in the size of the banana I was eating and no one would think I was weird. I shared a personal story at "graduation" and cried and I didn't care. It was a very safe environment for me, and I really felt rejuvenated, inside & out.

By "sort of"...I mean, still don't care. For example, I went to the gym tonight wearing a tank top. I am not quite ready to be sporting a tank top, but I knew I was going to sweat, and I wanted to be comfortable. People might look at me and think, "Why is she wearing that?"

I don't care!

I must have looked like a lunatic on the elliptical tonight. I had a rough day at work, and after dinner I had some sherbet (which may or may not have been related to my rough day at work.) But I had it in a pretty blue Italian glass dish, and I measured it out. 130 calories. Anyway, I decided to go to the gym to work it - and my stress - off. I took my iPod.  I completely "felt" the music. I was really into it. Who can't be happy when Stevie B tells you to "Party Your Body"? And when Earth, Wind & Fire got to their "Boogey on down....down..." part of their "Let's Groove" song, yours truly got down. Hard to do on the elliptical, but I was on my exercise high at that point, and I made it happen. My eyes were closed, and I was acting the fool.

And it struck me.

I didn't care.

Look at me, laugh at me, I. Do. Not. Care. I am doing something really, really good for myself, and gone are my inhibitions. Thank you, Fitness Ridge.

I've been going to Zumba a lot lately. It's my new favorite thing. I may not be able to move like the instructors, but they inspire me to do my best, and I shake what my Maker gave me, and I have fun. I don't care what anyone thinks. And you know what else? They probably don't think anything at all. I've had a lot of self-inflicted self consciousness for no reason at all. I've missed a lot of opportunities because I cared too much about what other people thought. I have a friend who won't come to the gym with me because she's out of shape. (!!!) That was me. Before.

Don't get me wrong. There's plenty I care about. The usual suspects: faith, family, friends, my job, etc. And then there's the matter of those Ten Commandments. Yes, I care...about the stuff that really matters.

I care about myself now more than ever. After about 7 minutes on the elliptical tonight, I wanted to stop. I actually heard the words inside my head "I don't care, I just wanna quit." Mmm hmm, where would that have gotten me? (well, in truth, it would have gotten me next door to TJ Maxx, but that's not what I came for) I heard the words a couple more times too. Then, I thought of Ursula (of all people, yes, Ursula - I kind of "got" her after a week) - and when she shouted "It's temporary time, people - this is do-able!" Ursula, bless your heart, tonight, you kept me going. It was temporary time, it was do-able, and I done did it. I looove the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something that you didn't want to do but was good for you and after you did it, you are glad you did. Nothing compares to the good feeling I get from exercising.

I'm working on it.

Taking care of myself is a very hard, and rewarding, job. I can see results since I've been back (down 3 more pounds!). I know I'm only losing about a pound a week now and that I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

I don't care.

I'm on the road to recovery, one day a time, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me, and I am hoping that you'll care enough to not care too.