My Own Worst Enemy

The cartoon version of my inner struggle

So. Here I am again. Remember me? I'm the girl who has a slip-up, then has an emotional breakthrough and vows never again to allow the negativity to creep in and ruin a good thing.

I feel like a crazy person sometimes. "TODAY" is a new day! A chance to start over using all the tools and resources I was blessed with!" After a while, I sound like the teachers on Charlie Brown to myself...wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Well...some days I'm Batman, some days I'm the Joker. Like, literally, a joke.

One of my best friends and I are Weight Watchers "buddies." She's who I text or call when the "monster" wants to come out and eat (for those of you affected, this needs no explanation). Ya know...I send out the Batsignal. We had a good laugh the other day about our upcoming New Year's Resolutions - to once and for all reach our healthy weights - and the slogans of yesteryear.

We're gonna look GREAT in 2008!

Let's lose our behinds in 2009!

Let's try again in 2010! 

Can you guess what's in store for 2011? Well, eleven rhymes with Heaven, so it's not too hard to guess. (-:

Here's the thing. I know what to do. For real! I cannot feign innocence (why did those cookies make me gain weight?) I know how it works. No one breaks into my house and decides to force feed me for kicks. Nope, I can stuff myself silly all on my own. It's a practiced skill. I know the math too - calories in, calories out.

I know what to do, and (sometimes) I simply don't do it. I ignore my own good advice. Rebel without a pause, that's me. As in, I don't pause to stop and be mindful about what my unhealthy choices will do to me. I go to Zumba, I feel great, I make good choices all day, I gaze adoringly at the smaller sizes in my closet and know that soon, very soon they will fit past my hips, and I am inspired to weigh my two ounces of low-sodium turkey breast and place it lovingly on my sandwich thin - and when I say grace, I thank God for giving me the strength to give my body what it needs, not what it craves. Wow, cue the Sound of Music soundtrack, cuz this is just too perfect.

Well, then AC/DC starts playing and I visit Darth Vader & friends on the dark side of the nutrition table. Christmas cookies? I've discovered that if I eat them all, there will be none left for me to be tempted by. Anyone else belong to that Crazy Club? While I am still wearing my Zumba shoes I stand at the cabinets and try to figure out what nutrient my body is screaming for and justify that it must be the liquid caramel inside the chocolate squares and who cares if caramel isn't a nutrient, my body knows what it needs! Do not even ATTEMPT to stop me when I am on the dark side. I then go into a pattern of self loathing for undoing all the good I did and I snap at my husband and son and I get mad at the fabric of my jeans for shrinking and I don't even like who I AM and I don't want to go to social functions and oh my word, nothing fits me anyway.

Those of you who know me and know my heart, also know that I am a woman of faith who knows and counts her many blessings.

I am also very human and struggling with this food addiction. 90/10 turns into 40/60 some days, and I hate it. I know how GOOD it feels to make GOOD choices, and I pray to be more consistent about it. I just don't understand why I self sabotage.

I'm inspired to perspire and then I eat and feel defeat.

Someone I know had this to say about losing weight: "It just depends how bad you want it." (for their own safety, I will not reveal the author of that quote) In a strange way, he/she is right, even though when I heard it I wanted to deck him/her.

I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I also know that in showing my body kindness, I can also be my own best friend. I just have to believe that everything I have learned, and everything I desire to be, will allow me to be more friend than enemy on a regular basis.

Probably not the right imagery...but that's the Joker in me!

I know that I am just nicer in general when I feel better about myself. I don't lash out at other people because of something I did to myself that they had  nothing to do with! (seriously, so not fair.) I am more confident and less needy and I don't need to rely on excuses to keep me from doing what I want to do. I just do it, because no one else can. And there are plenty of people who I know care about me enough that they would do it for me if they could. Ah, if it were only that easy! But the challenge is mine. I do not want to fail.

For those of you waiting for the 1st, let me remind you (uh, yeah, and me) that every day is New Year's Day. Every day is clean slate - and every hour within that day is a chance to start over. Just because I make one bad choice does not mean I have to wait until tomorrow to make it right. (WASH~RINSE~REPEAT)

SO Happy New Year everyone, get those resolutions started NOW and (sorry, gotta say it!) may the Force be with you!

but stay away from the Dark Side...

Pity, party of one!

You ever hear that country song "Poor, poor, poor me! Poor, poor, pitiful me!"?

That was me this past week. Not really, but in my head it was.

I know, shocking. Some of you might think I poop rainbows - I know I can be pretty motivational at times. But this past week, the motivator needed some motivating.

It kind of snuck up on me. Maybe it was the long lines at the stores, the honking of horns in the parking lots, the "what-do-you-mean-it's-out-of stock-it's-the-only-thing-he-asked-for" moments, the overall lack of Christmas cheer from one too many cashiers (I mean, seriously, you don't have a desk job, grow a personality!) Oops, there it was. My bah-humbug.

I started feeling sorry for myself. How I was taking so long to lose the weight I needed. I was stressed at work, feeling bad about a friend that betrayed me recently, thinking about how my Dad was sick this time of year and just overall in a funky funk.

I got a box of Ghiradelli chocolate squares from a neighbor. I got a one-pound bag of milk chocolate Wilbur Buds from a client. (temptation challenge - epic fail). And for those of you who don't know what a Wilbur Bud is...it's probably for the best. Ain't nothing healthy about that creamy, silky-smooth, melt in your mouth, sticks to your hips chocolate drop.

Wait...what was I talking about again? Oh yeah, backsliding. Pity parties.

So, I skipped a weekend of Zumba. I LOVE Zumba! But I was really busy, it was my husband's birthday, and there was a lot to do. And in the one-thing-leads-to-another mentality, I snuck a few chips (salt & vinegar, they are my diet Kryptonite. I know nothing should be forbidden, but I also can't set myself up by buying them!) I didn't plan  - or log - my food. I waited until I was starving and then ate a lot until I was stuffed. I didn't even wear my Bodybugg, cuz what did THAT matter?

I know better.

When I felt pretty awful I reached out to some friends on the Biggest Loser site. I asked for a hug - and immediately got three. The best virtual, you can do it, atta girl affirmations in the world. Really encouraging words - "it's not a daily decision it's an hourly one"; "Noticing you are in a rut is the first part of doing something about it"; "with support of the lovely people you have befriended and with all the great knowledge you have been given - you WILL find your way back, and quickly. OR, at least, in my case - a heck of a lot faster than I would have before" - all so true. Then, my favorite - "You are so much more than ONE bad decision!" (so what if I made more than one, they were one at a time and this was totally appropriate, haha).

Peggy, Janice, Trista - thank you.

Here's the deal: I knew my Biggest Loser pals for all of 7 days. And not "whole" days either, cuz we were all split into groups. But we're on each other's Facebook page and have a little Facebook group and can share advice and compare notes on how we're doing at home. And someone told me that I have inspired them to make positive changes and they were inspired by me. And here I was bah-humbugging. Shame on me.

It was really brought home on Friday when I delivered the gifts to a family we "adopted" at work. On the list? Cereal, toilet paper, some toys for the kids, and jeans for the little boy for school. Because we had so many Team Members out sick, I went by myself. When I pulled into the lot, my first thought was "no one could live here" because it just looked so run down. When I pulled up to the trailer one of the recipients was outside and he was just so pleasant and smiling and took the bags with humble gratitude. His clothes were torn and his coat was too small and he really looked like he needed a good hot shower.

I was so ashamed. Here I am, and my biggest problem is that I've eaten too much and now have some weight to lose. And here was a family who didn't have enough anything, including food. I didn't even make it out of the trailer park when I pulled over and cried to God - first in thanks for what I have and then in forgiveness for taking it for granted and not realizing my blessings and focusing on things that really shouldn't have my focus. I could hardly drive, it was just so powerful. I marvel at how God puts us in certain places to give us just the perspective we need to get back on track. I was right where I needed to be at that moment. Poor me? Hardly!

I re-charged my Bodybugg, put it on, went to Zumba twice this week, planned out my meals and it feels GREAT. I even got a gift from my Zumba instructors - a month of free classes in January - because of how "dedicated" I have been! Wow. Dedicated? Yes, I guess I am. In spite of a few bad decisions, I know where I need to go. What a great boost to end my "party".

Yup, I backslid. Yup, I ate things I shouldn't have and wasn't kind to my body. My bad. I'm not "fixed" yet BUT I sure am different. I'm not going to allow my one bad decision to be an excuse to throw in the towel. The old me would have. The new me knows that I AM more than one or two bad decisions...I am human and imperfect and but I am also forgiven, and can start again any moment, when I choose to.

What happened yesterday doesn't matter. His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:23) and I will not take THIS day for granted. I'm not where I want to be...but thank God I'm not where I used to be, and the blinders are off. I know how blessed I am, and I know that I may not always make the right choice.

I've re-programmed my destination into my mental GPS, and I'm on my way!

I just don't care anymore

I remember thinking this while I was eating something I shouldn't have after something got me upset or mad (or happy or sad...you know the drill)

"I don't care."

I ate it, I knew I shouldn't have eaten it while I was eating it, and I simply didn't care while I was in that emotional moment. Can I get a what-what?

When nothing fit except the few "fat" clothes I had, and I ran out of the house with my hair in a ponytail and minimal makeup because I didn't like the way I felt, I thought it too: "I don't care."

When I ate what I wanted and the scale sent me a clear message, even though I expected something different (because I was Cleopatra, Queen of Denial)

I didn't care.

I guess I DID care afterwards, when I realized I wasn't making choices that would support my ultimate goal: achieving a healthy weight, a normal BMI, and getting off the cholesterol medicine. But then I didn't care enough to change it, cuz that was too hard.

I stopped caring about myself. Isn't that what gets us to be overweight? I mean, honestly. We stop caring about ourselves. Or we care for others before ourselves. We stop caring about doing the right thing, and we make reckless choices. And by we, I mean me. (-:  Maybe you can relate.

Biggest Loser Resort changed me...sort of (more on that below). I realized while I was there that I could wear a bathing suit and no one would make fun of me. I could worry about the calories in the size of the banana I was eating and no one would think I was weird. I shared a personal story at "graduation" and cried and I didn't care. It was a very safe environment for me, and I really felt rejuvenated, inside & out.

By "sort of"...I mean, still don't care. For example, I went to the gym tonight wearing a tank top. I am not quite ready to be sporting a tank top, but I knew I was going to sweat, and I wanted to be comfortable. People might look at me and think, "Why is she wearing that?"

I don't care!

I must have looked like a lunatic on the elliptical tonight. I had a rough day at work, and after dinner I had some sherbet (which may or may not have been related to my rough day at work.) But I had it in a pretty blue Italian glass dish, and I measured it out. 130 calories. Anyway, I decided to go to the gym to work it - and my stress - off. I took my iPod.  I completely "felt" the music. I was really into it. Who can't be happy when Stevie B tells you to "Party Your Body"? And when Earth, Wind & Fire got to their "Boogey on down....down..." part of their "Let's Groove" song, yours truly got down. Hard to do on the elliptical, but I was on my exercise high at that point, and I made it happen. My eyes were closed, and I was acting the fool.

And it struck me.

I didn't care.

Look at me, laugh at me, I. Do. Not. Care. I am doing something really, really good for myself, and gone are my inhibitions. Thank you, Fitness Ridge.

I've been going to Zumba a lot lately. It's my new favorite thing. I may not be able to move like the instructors, but they inspire me to do my best, and I shake what my Maker gave me, and I have fun. I don't care what anyone thinks. And you know what else? They probably don't think anything at all. I've had a lot of self-inflicted self consciousness for no reason at all. I've missed a lot of opportunities because I cared too much about what other people thought. I have a friend who won't come to the gym with me because she's out of shape. (!!!) That was me. Before.

Don't get me wrong. There's plenty I care about. The usual suspects: faith, family, friends, my job, etc. And then there's the matter of those Ten Commandments. Yes, I care...about the stuff that really matters.

I care about myself now more than ever. After about 7 minutes on the elliptical tonight, I wanted to stop. I actually heard the words inside my head "I don't care, I just wanna quit." Mmm hmm, where would that have gotten me? (well, in truth, it would have gotten me next door to TJ Maxx, but that's not what I came for) I heard the words a couple more times too. Then, I thought of Ursula (of all people, yes, Ursula - I kind of "got" her after a week) - and when she shouted "It's temporary time, people - this is do-able!" Ursula, bless your heart, tonight, you kept me going. It was temporary time, it was do-able, and I done did it. I looove the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something that you didn't want to do but was good for you and after you did it, you are glad you did. Nothing compares to the good feeling I get from exercising.

I'm working on it.

Taking care of myself is a very hard, and rewarding, job. I can see results since I've been back (down 3 more pounds!). I know I'm only losing about a pound a week now and that I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

I don't care.

I'm on the road to recovery, one day a time, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me, and I am hoping that you'll care enough to not care too.

Let's Tawk Turkey

There was much buzz about the Thanksgiving holiday. What did you eat? Were you "good"?   (by the way, since Malibu I no longer use the words "good" and "bad" to describe food. I use "healthy" and "unhealthy.") People were anxiously awaiting the play-by-play and, perhaps, taking bets on whether or not the pumpkin pie would make me come undone.

Yeah, I was good. I mean, I made healthy choices. Working in a hotel that never closes, I chose to work. Not only did I choose to work, but I chose to cover the housekeeping department so my supervisor could have off. I walked over 7,000 steps at work by 2:00. Healthy choice #1.

My sister in law graciously had dinner at 5pm, and I eyeballed the choices. I took a nice serving of strawberry spinach salad; took a helping of veggie casserole - covered 1/2 my plate with veggies just like the picture on the slide at Malibu. Healthy choice #2. Took my deck-of-cards sized helping of turkey and some filling. I even used a little gravy. I followed the "rule" of no forbidden food. And let's face it, once something is no longer off limits, it loses (some) of its appeal.

I ate and didn't feel guilty. Dessert? Yup. Pumpkin pie with whipped cream? Nope. I brought my own healthy "banana split" inspired dessert (on the Kraft food website - sub low fat cream cheese and light cool whip and prepare the pudding with nonfat milk) - in moderation, this is soooo good.

Healthy choice #3

http://www.kraftrecipes.com/recipes/banana-split-cake-92225.aspx
Following a tradition that I broke this year, my husband and son complained they ate too much (my son even said he felt he would throw up.) Oh, I remember those days. But food no loonger had power over me - I had power over it. I was satisfied, not stuffed, and dang proud of myself for making it through the holiday without feeling like I "blew it." Friday started a 3-day Zumbathon (healthy choice #4!)- I burn about 500 calories per class - and I can look back and be proud of the choices I made. I did not feel deprived at all. This is new. I used to think diets were punishment for bad choices I made before. But I'm not on a diet. I've got a new lifestyle.

It all comes down to having a new relationship with food. A healthy relationship. A relationship free of drama (should I have eaten that? OMG, I can't believe I did that to myself!) - free of pain (ouch, I caught my belly in the zipper!) - free of lies (these jeans shrunk) free of jealousy (is her butt smaller than mine?) and free of excuses (it must be my thyroid.)

I remember the motivation that was instilled in me in Malibu. John asking "what did you come here for? how bad do you want this?" when we were in circuit class. I literally climbed mountains for hours a day when a little over a year ago I could barely breathe - I gained a newfound respect for the power of my body. My eyes were opened to a new world. I wasn't going to complain about how unhappy I was. I was going to change my attitude and change my life.

Today's daily scripture that was emailed to me was from Philippians. It goes like this:

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe

I really try to do all things without complaining. It's hard. But I do know that now, I won't complain that my jeans don't fit while I eat a cookie. That's just silly. I feel like I "get it" now. And I ain't tawkin' turkey. I really get it.

Thanks to everyone for their continued support!

90-10

In Malibu, they taught the 90/10 rule: The idea is to keep a healthy lifestyle & thoughts 90% of the time, and 10% of the time you can indulge.

I guess you can say I've been a "Perfect 10" these past few days.

Just 9 days after arriving home from the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu, I was on a plane to West Palm Beach Florida for a work conference (I know, rough life)

THIS trip, I was on my own as far as my food and meals were concerned. I had a very successful week at home, planning my meals and exercising. I had this in the bag.

Well...funny thing about being away from home and not having a regimented schedule like we did at the resort. I was left to my own devices, and had what I like to call "temptation challenges" at every turn.

The first morning I did great! Had a very healthy breakfast and chose the fruit instead of bacon.

yes it's wheat toast

 For the afternoon break, they put out a "candy bar." It was beautiful. Ya know, if you're into that kind of stuff. Think jars of colored sugary balls and cubes and chocolate bars and gummy thingies AND little plastic bags you could fill up.

I chose a nutri-grain bar - apple cinammon. And a very small Hershey's chocolate bar. So far, so good. The evening reception was poolside and it was lovely. There were healthy options, too!

Hooray for fruit skewers!

They had wonderful little stations with different finger foods. I steered clear of the mini quiches and dough-wrapped cocktail wieners - helped myself to a few crab claws (with cocktail sauce not butter) and a slice of honey turkey. Fabulous.

Then, on the way out, a sign told us to help ourselves to a box of "midnight snacks." Here's the image that came to mind:

I took one anyway.

Inside the box (which was opened in the parking lot en route to the car): A biscotti (120 calories - not bad) a piece of peppermint bark with a generous chocolate crust and a small, fudgy chewy thing that was probably a brownie but tasted like a piece of heaven.

Hello, 10%.

I guess all things considered it really wasn't all that "unhealthy" but I felt the guilt start to creep in. And, since the "finger food" didn't really seem to count as a "dinner" (and because I hadn't attempted to count any calories for what I had eaten) I found myself out that night at a small tavern/restaurant for a late night dinner - I chose the chicken sandwich. It came with fries. I ate the fries.

And so the cycle began. From that point on, I thought carefully about what I ate, but I didn't track it anywhere (and I have an iPhone which gives me clear access to pretty much all that information). I did choose the berries over the cheesecake at dessert (that was so hard to do, but the berries were amazing) and I didn't touch the mound of bread that came before dinner. I still felt in control while I "treated" myself to a little freedom.

And, since I was in Florida, I had to have one of these:

key lime pie

I split it with my colleague. I still felt incredibly guilty. But here's the thing: since being at the Biggest Loser Resort, I know I won't gain 5 pounds from eating 1/2 a piece of key lime pie. It's not going to ruin me or my efforts. I learned there is no "forbidden list" of foods. If I looked at it that way, it would have too much power over me. The life coach Essara talked about "forgiving yourself" and moving forward and not letting a slip-up stop you from what you wanted. So, so true. Because before, I would have just given up. I would have said "well, there goes THAT" and just kept eating out of control.

This time, I was very aware of what I was doing, and got right back on track the minute I got back home. Took my dog for a 45-minute walk; went to Zumba (yay!); and tracked every bite I took today. I will NOT let this be a "fail" in my book. It was a trip to 10% Land and I am now back in 90% Reality World. (-: It's all good, and I love not beating myself up like I used to. I love knowing my numbers and the math and what food does to me and what exercise means to me. I also know I don't feel as good when I dabble with the 10% ~ I'm more tired and irritable. I prefer to feel the way I do when I eat clean - but I also know that this is real life and I will be faced with more challenges along the way. I just have to keep track to stay on track, and then I'll see that I can do this the right way, once and for all. It'll take some time...but I got plenty of that.

Before & After

My life of "dieting" has been a series of before & afters.

Before I was a chubby kid.
After I grew out of it.

Before I had my son.
After I had my son.

Before I was married.
After I was married.


I used my befores & afters as excuses. You know..."it was so much easier to lose the weight before I turned 40" or "I'll start dieting after the holidays." That kind of stuff. While some of it was true, I still needed to adapt my choices along with the changes in life.

I think in terms of before & after now too. BBL and ABL (Before Biggest Loser & After Biggest Loser.)

BBL I was what I would now call a summer dieter. Summer the time I was good, summer the time I was bad. (-: But mostly, I kept losing & finding the same 5-10 pounds.

This wooden figure would pretty much sum it up. Believe it or not, a few months ago I found this in the middle of the street while walking my dog. I know God uses subtlety sometimes to give us a message we need...this was not one of those times. I actually looked up & laughed.

A "sign" indeed. I hung it next to my fridge.

ABL, I don't think in terms of "good" and "bad." I think in terms of health and the benefits it brings me to make good nutrition choices.

Can you change your life in a week? Yup. I believe I did.

I needed the "yes you can!" affirmation for myself. I had had a defeatest attitude. 35 pounds was a LOT to lose (for me. I realize that your mountain may be higher - but this is my mountain, and it's been a struggle for years). I remember crying when we were in the pet store when I realized the huge bag of dog food I was struggling to carry was the exact amount of weight I had to lose. So, I went home and had some ice cream. Cuz it was a summer diet.

I'd get really "gung ho" for a week and weigh & measure everything. Like, even my lettuce. Then I'd see a loss of a pound (or point 6) and get discouraged and give up. I would think, "If it's going to be so HARD just to lose OUNCES, why bother?" And have some ice cream.

I was unhappy that my clothes didn't fit and that I didn't feel good about myself, but I wasn't really willing to work for it to make it better.

I saw the opportunity to spend a week in Malibu as a way to force myself to focus on me and the things I needed to do to get my thinking straight. It was one of the greatest things I've ever done for myself. I've never gone clear across the country all alone for no other reason than to help myself. It was one of the best investments I've ever made. It made me realize my body is meant to do so much more than what I had been doing with it. It made me realize I could eat healthily & still be satisfied. It made me realize that I didn't have to eat from dinner to bedtime (and it successfully broke my nighttime eating habit.) I felt GREAT when I was there, great when I left, and I now KNOW I can do this. Who cares if it's slow? It's happening. Time is going to pass anyway (as a mother of a teenage son I am painfully aware of how quickly time can go) so it might as well pass while I'm doing something good for myself. This quote reflects my "after" attitude:

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it.  The time will pass anyway; we might just as well put that passing time to the best possible use.  ~Earl Nightingale


After a week home, I've lost another one and a half pounds. I've chosen healthy foods and incorporated them into our family meals (allowing one night off for my boys to have pizza while I chomped on a delicious salad) and I've exercised four times this week. I have to say I am a "ZUMBA" addict and would go every night if I could. 400 calories in one hour! Love it. There is no price I can put on the knowledge and confidence I gained from Malibu, and I am forever grateful for everyone there who touched my life in a positive way. I don't want to undo all the good I did in California. And it's given me a drive to succeed like I never had before.

Life is busy and crazy and hectic BUT I can still make choices that are good for me - like planning out my meals (one day at a time!) and finding time for exercise. Because I am a better wife, mother, boss and friend when I am feeling better about myself.

So, I am after my before and before my next after picture, and that's just fine with me.

Excuse me while I take this exit (-:

Outside the Bubble

This should be at the exit of the ranch!

So, I have been home for 2 days.

My reality check bounced.

I had such a wonderful time at the Ranch. It was hard to leave, but I knew I was mentally prepared to handle the challenge of working the program at home.

Until I got home.

To be fair, they did warn me. In his "Budget Review" lecture John used the famous saying "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So simple, so true. Darlene texted me Saturday night and asked if I had made my food plan. She had a great little notebook system of meal ideas and calorie counts for breakfasts, lunches, dinners & snacks that she could mix & match to meet her calorie target. Simply choose your meals & plan your day. I told her I'd do mine on the plane but pretty much had it in my head.

My head is a great place to lose things.

Here's the thing: on our last day (Saturday) I went with three BL buddies to see a movie. It was our first real-life temptation challenge.

I looove popcorn. I simply thought I would not be able to watch a movie without it. But when we entered the theater, I swear the smell was so thick it stuck in my throat. It didn't even smell good. And the candy didn't look (too) attractive.

I had a banana in my purse

I figured this was proof positive that I could do it on my own. Not even tempted and too high on my week's worth of exercise to blow it (the fact I was getting weighed in the next day didn't exactly hurt either) I smuggled in my bottle of water and took a seat.

The next day (after weigh in) I chose wisely at the airport. Got the turkey & avocado sandwich from LaBrea Bakery (note to resort nutritionist: your note says sub mustard for mayo, but the sandwiches are pre-made. I removed the slice soaked with mayo and ate it open-faced on the plane) - even brought an orange as a snack. I had breakfast earlier at the Resort, and ate some of my sack lunch on the way to the airport. I thought I was golden.

Coming home was a joy, especially when my 13 year old son said "Wow Mom you look skinnier!" 5 pounds is not exactly a total body makeover, but that's not what I went for. I had a total head makeover. But it was still pretty awesome to hear.

Monday, I woke up knowing I would make it a great day. My mom made me a one-egg two egg-white omelette and some wheat toast. Went to work to catch up on paperwork & emails and when I was hungry I ate the greek yogurt I had in the fridge. Took my son to tennis, ravenously eating my 12 almonds (they looked bigger on the Ranch) and came home and hurriedly prepared a warm grilled chicken salad.

Proudly entering my food items at the end of the day, I was shocked to see how many calories I had eaten.

806.

I was not shocked in a good way. Less than 1,000 calories is NOT good. (The Mayo Clinic recommends no less than 1200-1400). I know that a diet this low in calories is bad for my heart - the very thing I was trying to protect by going to the BL Resort.

I had failed to plan.

Counting your calories at the end of the day doesn't do any good. I wasn't about to find 400 random calories at 10pm. The point is, plan ahead. I know better! And still, I thought I could wing it. Epic fail.

So, today I fared much better. I tracked along the way and kept count of calories at each meal. Today's total intake was 1269.

Even better? Tonight I discovered my Bodybugg program has a menu planner. I entered all my food for tomorrow (you can do the whole week!), including all meals & 2 snacks. You can even print it out! It will make my day a LOT less stressful to know that I've got a plan and I'm on track. That's how it's supposed to be done. I won't have anyone serving me food and figuring it all out for me. No 3 hour hikes in the mountains. It's go time, with real-life responsibilities and people depending on me and lots of places to be and go.

The life coach called being at the Resort "living in a bubble" and encouraged  (and had a whole lecture on) planning. So, outside the structured program from the Ranch where everything is figured out for you, realize that it's going to be YOUR job now to figure it out. It's the only way to succeed. I'm still figuring out exactly where I'm going to fit in my exercise (got a half hour at the gym tonight, which is laughable by BL standards, which are laughable in the real world, so I'm working on finding balance!)

It will take some planning ahead but I need to do it or I'll find myself in a tough spot with not enough calories to sustain the energy I need (or, conversely, too many calories to lose weight!) I don't want to lose the momentum I gained while I was in Malibu. I need to focus and take time for me because no one else will. I alone am responsible for what I eat so I need to take charge and not depend on anyone else to figure it out for me. I know I can do this.

                                 I'm thinkin' outside the bubble.

Day 7: Fitness Summary

It was really easy to get out of bed today - and not just because we got an extra hour of sleep.

It was Weigh Day. The day I got to see what I'd been working for all week.

I was first in line!

So I know you're all curious what I accomplished my first week ever at the Biggest Loser Resort, so here are my numbers!!

POUNDS LOST:

Look he's smiling! (so was I! This was the "magic" number I wanted)


% of BODY FAT LOST:

They say this won't be a big number after the first week - but it's DOWN!


INCHES OFF MY BODY:

7.25 inches all together! Woo hoo!  

When Cameron weighed me in on the scale he asked if I had a number in mind. The number I had tucked away was 5 - and I got it! I was thrilled. After measurements the lady asked (I don't remember her name but she was in purple, in super shape, and super nice) - if I was happy? Happy? I'm THRILLED. Thinking back on this past week I know I earned every pound, inch and loss. It was hard work but I did it and I felt fierce. Like a warrior. Every time I was tired and wanted to give up, I didn't. Seeing the Biggest Loser contestants working out in the gym as I was going to bed was great motivation. And the opportunity to work out with their trainer Brett? Quite simply THE most motivating part of this week. I know how good it feels when I'm good to myself.

SO, I worked hard, and I got the result (see no risk ~ no reward post for more on that!) I chose wisely at the airport (even though there were many unwise choices) and I know that EVERY time I do make a healthy choice, I'm one step further to my ultimate goal.

And my souporters are one step closer to the grocery store! That's FIVE cans of chicken noodle soup to your local food bank - please and thank you!  Thanks and God Bless my souporters for helping me through this week!! What a great gift to be able to pay forward!

And it doesn't stop here...When I get home it's on like (say it with me!)

 

Day 6: Numbers, Food & Classes

       CALORIES EATEN: 1122

CALORIES BURNED: 2433

STEPS WALKED: 16,644

FUN FACTS:

ALL of my hikes this week had bathrooms. Yay!

At the end of "graduation" we all got a keepsake DVD of the week. It is very well done.

QUOTES OF THE DAY:

"It's only 2 minutes. Temporary time. It's do-able!" ~ Ursula, during Circuit training (more on that later.)

"This has zero calories?" - Paul, one of the Guests, incredulously asking as he read the label on the mustard, in a funny display of how calorie-conscious you become here.

"Are you there?" ~ my recumbent bike, when I stopped pedaling during circuit training. Ha ha ha.

"Dude, did I ever tell you about the time I almost fell down this ravine? I hung onto a bush and was able to pull myself up and I saw a rattlesnake right behind me." ~ the guy in the photo below in the red shorts who was behind me when he said this - JUST as I was feeling afraid of the trail and what was on the other edge of it. I let him pass so I didn't hear anymore "dude" stories.

Breakfast: English Muffin & Peach Smoothie. I liked the smoothie at first but it had a very strong honey taste that stuck with you. The muffin was good but DRY and coulda been great with some jam & butter (-: also had our fresh fruit. This would probably be one I'd ask for eggs & toast instead unless you looooove the taste of honey.

Lunch: Turkey Sandwich & Squash soup. The soup was YUMMY as usual (they have this hot sauce here called Sriracha that I tried and LOVE - just a few drops adds some nice heat. I put some in the soup and it ROCKED) The turkey sandwich was served on their kitchen staple, a sandwich thin, with tomato, onion & sprouts with an aoli spread. It was very tasty.

only teeny tiny drops needed! it's hot stuff!!

Dinner: Salisbury steak with brown rice & veggies. It was good - reminded me of the meatloaf last night actually. Had a nice little gravy over it. I put the sriracha in the rice to give it some flavor.

Dessert: Pineapple sorbet. Their "sorbets" here are basically chunks of fruit held together by what I assume is the natural juice. It was hard and took some work to break apart but I loved it.

CLASSES: Well, it's Friday. Basically you have the hike or Cardio Blast, then a choice between 2 different classes before lunch. My choices were Total Body H2O or Circuit Training. I was definitely doing the pool class...until I realized how flippin' cold it was when we got back from the hike. So I bucked it up and went to Circuit (only 2 brave souls went to the pool and they got a personal session with Ravenna!) - then I hear Ursula's voice in the gym. Someone on a treadmill actually said "Oh no, it's Ursula" and Urusla says "I hear everything."

Bummer. Should have froze in the pool. And I love Ravenna!

But, I have to say, Ursula was different. Maybe someone said something to her (or maybe she's reading my blog?) Anyway, she wasn't giving everyone a hug but she also wasn't being rude. She was being helpful pointing out the numbers on the machines (you go in sequence alternating between cardio & strengh training and it's NOT easy to navigate) and yelling "you can do it" type quotes during the workouts.

I loved this class.

So, God put me right where I needed to be to have a positive experience with Ursula and make my last class a good one with no bad vibes at all. Cuz that's how He rolls.

After dinner we got to have "graduation" which is basically just watching the DVD they made and then the microphone gets passed around and you can say something about your week. I wasn't gonna cry....and then I cried. I shared a personal struggle and talked about cancelling my trip to Disney to come here and how it was so worth it...that it allowed me a closer walk with God and that I had a spiritual awakening while I was on this journey. Anyway, it was cool to hear what everyone said.

So I am all packed up and ready to go! My "Fitness Summary" is tomorrow at 7am, the shuttle comes for me at 8:15. Ready to head home armed with my tools & resources! (I thought it was really neat that the nutritionist gave me a list of places to eat healthy at LAX - with calorie counts!)

I've enjoyed my week immensely and have had profound moments of physical exhaustion tempered with profound moments of serenity. Just what the doctor ordered! Can't wait to see my guys and get a big sloppy kiss from this one (my husband said he was dreaming of Mommy)

Goodnight!

Day 6 Hike: No risk, no reward

So, one of the reasons I came here was because I was used to taking the easy way out. I tried all the fad diets and tried to microwave myself thin (not literally, people). I cancelled my appointments with my trainer when I was running late from work and promised myself I'd exercise at home (didn't happen.) My health & fitness got fit in around everything else - instead of realizing that there wouldn't be much else if I didn't get myself to a healthy place and make it a priority.

So, this week has taught me that when you challenge yourself and do something outside your comfort zone, it pays off. The risk is worth the reward.

Today's hikes were an optional sign up. I was thinking about going to the beach hike again since it was so beautiful and I really really love looking at the ocean. But then I heard talk of Solstice. Basically, the consensus was "It's SO hard at first but the reward makes it all worth it." (what reward? do we get cookies at the end?)

I asked 3 different trainers their opinions on which hike I should take (including the hiking manager) - all 3 of them said "Solstice" because it was so lovely at the end.

At the end...um, how about the beginning and middle? Made me a little nervous. I didn't know if I wanted to do it. The beach was so lovely...but then the "new" me realized what my old thoughts were doing.

Taking the escalator instead of the stairs.

OK OK I'm only here for a week and was up for the challenge. I wanted that reward!

I considered today my "last chance workout." There was only one class after lunch (I had a choice and was going to pick Total Body H2O) so I knew I needed a good calorie burn - it's weigh day tomorrow!

Off to Solstice we went. They took 2 vans because so many people signed up.

The beginning was TOUGH. Like, a straight incline for what felt like an hour (but it was only like 46 minutes)

I took 111 pictures on this hike.

we started up.

and up

and up

pause for photo op

Tropical terrace? Don't mind if I do

resume upness (my word)

This part scared me.

I'm going over there.

wow...scenic views



Bet they have nice views!

Yay! Down-ness!

So I started to see some of the "ruins" they talked about on the way here.

Built in the 30's by one of the first African-American architects, with an elaborate system to protect it from fire - it was destroyed in a canyon fire in the 80's because the system was not maintained after the owner's death. They had pictures - you should have SEEN the view from their kitchen. Amazing.

So then I hear a sound (no, not a rattle) of falling water. There was a waterfall! Yay!

steps to waterfall

It was so lovely and cool down at the bottom. We lingered for a while then headed back on a nice flat trail. Someone mentioned that the Solstice hike has a reputation for being awful (because when they first opened and it was 100 degrees out and people had this as their first hike ever, it was awful) - but this was one of my favorites. I loved the views and the different perspectives of nature on this hike. Very satisfying last hike.

And so, at the end of the day, I can say I took a risk (which seems very small now that it's over!) and was rewarded with some breathtaking views of God's craftsmanship (and I did thank Him many times along the way for the scenery!)

Like anything in life, if you want the reward, you gotta work for it. Just like with weight loss. It's not easy and takes work...but at the end you can enjoy the view... in this: