My Own Worst Enemy

The cartoon version of my inner struggle

So. Here I am again. Remember me? I'm the girl who has a slip-up, then has an emotional breakthrough and vows never again to allow the negativity to creep in and ruin a good thing.

I feel like a crazy person sometimes. "TODAY" is a new day! A chance to start over using all the tools and resources I was blessed with!" After a while, I sound like the teachers on Charlie Brown to myself...wah wah wah wah wah wah wah.

Well...some days I'm Batman, some days I'm the Joker. Like, literally, a joke.

One of my best friends and I are Weight Watchers "buddies." She's who I text or call when the "monster" wants to come out and eat (for those of you affected, this needs no explanation). Ya know...I send out the Batsignal. We had a good laugh the other day about our upcoming New Year's Resolutions - to once and for all reach our healthy weights - and the slogans of yesteryear.

We're gonna look GREAT in 2008!

Let's lose our behinds in 2009!

Let's try again in 2010! 

Can you guess what's in store for 2011? Well, eleven rhymes with Heaven, so it's not too hard to guess. (-:

Here's the thing. I know what to do. For real! I cannot feign innocence (why did those cookies make me gain weight?) I know how it works. No one breaks into my house and decides to force feed me for kicks. Nope, I can stuff myself silly all on my own. It's a practiced skill. I know the math too - calories in, calories out.

I know what to do, and (sometimes) I simply don't do it. I ignore my own good advice. Rebel without a pause, that's me. As in, I don't pause to stop and be mindful about what my unhealthy choices will do to me. I go to Zumba, I feel great, I make good choices all day, I gaze adoringly at the smaller sizes in my closet and know that soon, very soon they will fit past my hips, and I am inspired to weigh my two ounces of low-sodium turkey breast and place it lovingly on my sandwich thin - and when I say grace, I thank God for giving me the strength to give my body what it needs, not what it craves. Wow, cue the Sound of Music soundtrack, cuz this is just too perfect.

Well, then AC/DC starts playing and I visit Darth Vader & friends on the dark side of the nutrition table. Christmas cookies? I've discovered that if I eat them all, there will be none left for me to be tempted by. Anyone else belong to that Crazy Club? While I am still wearing my Zumba shoes I stand at the cabinets and try to figure out what nutrient my body is screaming for and justify that it must be the liquid caramel inside the chocolate squares and who cares if caramel isn't a nutrient, my body knows what it needs! Do not even ATTEMPT to stop me when I am on the dark side. I then go into a pattern of self loathing for undoing all the good I did and I snap at my husband and son and I get mad at the fabric of my jeans for shrinking and I don't even like who I AM and I don't want to go to social functions and oh my word, nothing fits me anyway.

Those of you who know me and know my heart, also know that I am a woman of faith who knows and counts her many blessings.

I am also very human and struggling with this food addiction. 90/10 turns into 40/60 some days, and I hate it. I know how GOOD it feels to make GOOD choices, and I pray to be more consistent about it. I just don't understand why I self sabotage.

I'm inspired to perspire and then I eat and feel defeat.

Someone I know had this to say about losing weight: "It just depends how bad you want it." (for their own safety, I will not reveal the author of that quote) In a strange way, he/she is right, even though when I heard it I wanted to deck him/her.

I know I can be my own worst enemy, but I also know that in showing my body kindness, I can also be my own best friend. I just have to believe that everything I have learned, and everything I desire to be, will allow me to be more friend than enemy on a regular basis.

Probably not the right imagery...but that's the Joker in me!

I know that I am just nicer in general when I feel better about myself. I don't lash out at other people because of something I did to myself that they had  nothing to do with! (seriously, so not fair.) I am more confident and less needy and I don't need to rely on excuses to keep me from doing what I want to do. I just do it, because no one else can. And there are plenty of people who I know care about me enough that they would do it for me if they could. Ah, if it were only that easy! But the challenge is mine. I do not want to fail.

For those of you waiting for the 1st, let me remind you (uh, yeah, and me) that every day is New Year's Day. Every day is clean slate - and every hour within that day is a chance to start over. Just because I make one bad choice does not mean I have to wait until tomorrow to make it right. (WASH~RINSE~REPEAT)

SO Happy New Year everyone, get those resolutions started NOW and (sorry, gotta say it!) may the Force be with you!

but stay away from the Dark Side...