Rewind to when I was thin. Fast forward past the bad times, so I know what my future holds (to where I was thin again without having to do the work..that would help too)
Hmmmm...would I want that?
There are many things in life we cannot control. The weather, the way other people treat us, other people to name a few.
Oh, I thought I could control things. How many times have you said, "I got this!" but then you really didn't? How many times did I think I had complete and utter control over this weight loss journey, only to find myself back at square one again. (go ahead, read back through my blogs for the past year, that'll give you a sense of my control).
Nope, not in control. Realizing that I am able to manage by the grace of God, I am. Making plans and doing my best to stick to them, I am. Um, ok, I sound like Yoda, so moving on...
Anyway, the issue of control has come up in my life a lot lately. I have tried to control so many things...thinking if I just did this or said that or acted this way, I could get someone to do something or be something for me...or that if I treated someone with kindness I could get them to be my friend...or if I explained to someone my side of the story, a truly compelling tale, I could win them over. Then, the realization that people have their own agenda or opinions or their own wants and needs and there's nothing I could do to control anything they said or did was a big wake up call that I'm still waking up from.
It's in our nature to want to have control. We want to know what's going on, right? It's where my fear of flying originates. I don't even like being the passenger in a car.
So, you can see how this whole "give it to God, let it go" thing has gone for me. I've had to unclench my sweaty fists that were holding on to my "stuff" finger by clenched finger, to finally be able to open my hands and say "Here - it's all yours!" and man oh man, it's still a work in progress.
I was listening to Dr. Tony Evans the other day on my way to work. It was one of those days that I made a decision to stop for gas on my way TO work instead of on my way home FROM work. And lo and behold, it gave me just enough time to hear Dr. Evans' message (thanks, God)
Dr. Evans said something that I really needed to hear. He spoke about trying to control what our bodies do, and what we do to our bodies, without fixing what's on the inside first. About how it don't matter what we do to the outside - the inside's still gonna be broke if it was broke.
Love me some Tony Evans.
I really searched my heart to see if I was indeed "broke" on the inside. And the answer that came to me was that I was trying to take control of things myself, without asking God for help, because this was "my problem." I had the whole world in my hands, and I wasn't gonna let anyone touch it.
My heart asked,
"How's that working out for ya?" and the answer was, "not so good."
When I leave control in my hands, I am uncontrollable. Odd how that works. But here's the good stuff: When I turn it over, I feel in control, and suddenly instead of concentrating on the grains of sand I can see a beach and the beauty in what is right in front of me, and has been all along, I just was looking at things from the wrong view. I am set free.
I saw the movie "Courageous" tonight. Friends, it is positively heartbreaking, and a reminder of what we need to surrender to God, even when we are not willing. The message was so powerful, I could cry just thinking about it. I had one of those "now I remember what's so important in my life" moments. And eating a bowl of chocolate mousse was not on that list. I've put so much importance on trivial things. It's good to have the soul shaken up some times to get us back on the right track.
I have relationships in my life that need some serious healing. And the hardest thing for me is to try and NOT to control that process...but my heart is being led to let go and let God take control, because He will work it out for good, and I will most certainly mess it up more by trying to control it. I have to believe that He has control of the situation, and sees the beautiful outcome long before I could even imagine it.
For me, too, and this journey I am on. I'm on my way. I have a promise to "prosper and not be harmed...plans for hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) and that's the promise I am holding to.
Day by day, meal by meal, choice by choice. I can make my own decisions, yes. But I am done trying to control things which I can't. It goes back to my most favorite prayer in the world, and on most days, the only one I need, and a great reminder for those of us who like control:
Amen!
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