I just don't care anymore

I remember thinking this while I was eating something I shouldn't have after something got me upset or mad (or happy or sad...you know the drill)

"I don't care."

I ate it, I knew I shouldn't have eaten it while I was eating it, and I simply didn't care while I was in that emotional moment. Can I get a what-what?

When nothing fit except the few "fat" clothes I had, and I ran out of the house with my hair in a ponytail and minimal makeup because I didn't like the way I felt, I thought it too: "I don't care."

When I ate what I wanted and the scale sent me a clear message, even though I expected something different (because I was Cleopatra, Queen of Denial)

I didn't care.

I guess I DID care afterwards, when I realized I wasn't making choices that would support my ultimate goal: achieving a healthy weight, a normal BMI, and getting off the cholesterol medicine. But then I didn't care enough to change it, cuz that was too hard.

I stopped caring about myself. Isn't that what gets us to be overweight? I mean, honestly. We stop caring about ourselves. Or we care for others before ourselves. We stop caring about doing the right thing, and we make reckless choices. And by we, I mean me. (-:  Maybe you can relate.

Biggest Loser Resort changed me...sort of (more on that below). I realized while I was there that I could wear a bathing suit and no one would make fun of me. I could worry about the calories in the size of the banana I was eating and no one would think I was weird. I shared a personal story at "graduation" and cried and I didn't care. It was a very safe environment for me, and I really felt rejuvenated, inside & out.

By "sort of"...I mean, still don't care. For example, I went to the gym tonight wearing a tank top. I am not quite ready to be sporting a tank top, but I knew I was going to sweat, and I wanted to be comfortable. People might look at me and think, "Why is she wearing that?"

I don't care!

I must have looked like a lunatic on the elliptical tonight. I had a rough day at work, and after dinner I had some sherbet (which may or may not have been related to my rough day at work.) But I had it in a pretty blue Italian glass dish, and I measured it out. 130 calories. Anyway, I decided to go to the gym to work it - and my stress - off. I took my iPod.  I completely "felt" the music. I was really into it. Who can't be happy when Stevie B tells you to "Party Your Body"? And when Earth, Wind & Fire got to their "Boogey on down....down..." part of their "Let's Groove" song, yours truly got down. Hard to do on the elliptical, but I was on my exercise high at that point, and I made it happen. My eyes were closed, and I was acting the fool.

And it struck me.

I didn't care.

Look at me, laugh at me, I. Do. Not. Care. I am doing something really, really good for myself, and gone are my inhibitions. Thank you, Fitness Ridge.

I've been going to Zumba a lot lately. It's my new favorite thing. I may not be able to move like the instructors, but they inspire me to do my best, and I shake what my Maker gave me, and I have fun. I don't care what anyone thinks. And you know what else? They probably don't think anything at all. I've had a lot of self-inflicted self consciousness for no reason at all. I've missed a lot of opportunities because I cared too much about what other people thought. I have a friend who won't come to the gym with me because she's out of shape. (!!!) That was me. Before.

Don't get me wrong. There's plenty I care about. The usual suspects: faith, family, friends, my job, etc. And then there's the matter of those Ten Commandments. Yes, I care...about the stuff that really matters.

I care about myself now more than ever. After about 7 minutes on the elliptical tonight, I wanted to stop. I actually heard the words inside my head "I don't care, I just wanna quit." Mmm hmm, where would that have gotten me? (well, in truth, it would have gotten me next door to TJ Maxx, but that's not what I came for) I heard the words a couple more times too. Then, I thought of Ursula (of all people, yes, Ursula - I kind of "got" her after a week) - and when she shouted "It's temporary time, people - this is do-able!" Ursula, bless your heart, tonight, you kept me going. It was temporary time, it was do-able, and I done did it. I looove the sense of accomplishment that comes from doing something that you didn't want to do but was good for you and after you did it, you are glad you did. Nothing compares to the good feeling I get from exercising.

I'm working on it.

Taking care of myself is a very hard, and rewarding, job. I can see results since I've been back (down 3 more pounds!). I know I'm only losing about a pound a week now and that I'm not perfect 100% of the time.

I don't care.

I'm on the road to recovery, one day a time, I don't care what anyone else thinks of me, and I am hoping that you'll care enough to not care too.