You're a failure at dieting, You're past your prime, you have a big butt, you'll never lose the weight, nothing fits you, you're wasting people's time talking about it, why's it taking you so long, you don't look good in that, she's thinner than you are, what is your PROBLEM?!, etc.
The nerve, right!
I mean...who would say such things to sweet, agreeable, motivational me?
I have really been praying against this negativity but it's so easy to fall back on those negative thoughts. I've even found a few friends who will commiserate with me. You should hear us:
"My butt is so big"
"You wanna compare? MINE'S bigger!"
"OMG I am starting over again today"
"At least you're starting!"
"I am the biggest idiot"
"Can't be bigger than me!"
And so on, and so forth. (my partners in crime will recognize their quotes and probably laugh. But it's kinda not funny, right? We gotta stop girlfriends! It's not healthy!)
Along with the negative thoughts, I set myself up to be disappointed a lot. Anyone recognize this move? You spend forEVER getting ready for "something" - take extra time on your hair, put your makeup on just right, splash some glitter across your eyelids because you are feeling fabulous, wear something nice, puff a few puffs of your favorite perfume, and then come out of the bathroom for the big reveal. You are waiting for the ooh's and ahh's to start.
Cue the crickets.
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt that's too small to wear right now.
And then, that familiar voice that only I can hear:
"You're too heavy, that's why no one is telling you that you look nice. Because they don't want you to think you look nice the way you are right now."
Boy, have I wasted a lot of time with this crap. Pardon me, but that's what it is. I mean, I've been shown SO many lessons on how I should be grateful for my healthy body...for my life.
I was talking to someone about my feelings, and her advice was to "know who I am in Christ" and this stuff won't get to me. I thought about that, and this came to mind:
Finally, a good thought. A kind thought. A thought given to me by the God who created me. A thought I really, really needed.
I am slowly coming to the realization that I am in charge of me and my feelings. I am not responsible for the way anyone else acts or thinks. And how they think and act does not affect my self worth. I don't have to look to others for validation. I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, for someone to help lift me up. But I realized today while in the dressing room at TJMaxx, trying on clothes for an upcoming trip (for which, of course, I haven't a thing to wear that fits) that I can look good, and I don't need to wait for anyone to tell me. I had one of those days today, at TJMaxx, where everything fit - and I liked almost everything I tried on (good for my confidence, bad for my pocketbook, but the confidence won out on this one.) I actually looked at myself in the mirror, and said "Wow you look really nice" (the dressing room was empty, but I really wouldn't have cared). Dare I share that I even blew myself a kiss? (-: It was amazing, that one nice compliment I gave myself really helped my mood. I was friendly to the dressing room lady (usually they see me crying) I didn't care what size was on the tags, I just liked what I tried on and it fit me "now" and it would help make me feel nice, even if no one else noticed. I can bless myself, thank you very much, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
So, girlfriends, let's make a pact. Let's quit talkin' smack about ourselves and fake it til we make it. Say it even though you feel silly. It will help, I promise.
Fearfully and wonderfully made. Say it the next time YOU look in the mirror. Let the meaning sink in. You may notice you see yourself in a different light.