One can for every pound I lose...bring it!

Thursday, April 7, 2011

I'm not coming out 'til I'm skinny!

Hello yeah, it's been a while. 
Not much, how 'bout you? 

OK OK I've been really, really busy. The kind of busy that makes it hard to blog, write, track food, eat healthy, exercise...

I have a friend who told me that she was kind of avoiding me because she had gained some weight and was embarassed. She is a dear, dear friend (and I know you are reading dear friend so I will not use your name or identify you in any way (-;) and I would not even give a second thought to the fact that she gained weight. Cuz so did I since high school! I just wanna see her. I joked that she was talking hermit crab talk and I would have none of it. It was silly to me. So I told her I am coming to see her, and I sincerely hope she will see me (-:

Well, I also did the same silly thing. There's an association I belong to as a hotel manager, and there are monthly meetings. I have put them off and sent someone else in my place because the last time anyone saw me was 25 pounds ago. (yes, I measure time in pounds, I know a lot of you do too). I would just be too embarrassed to go, cuz that's not how they remember me. 

Well, God has put certain things in my path both humorous and serious, to let me know how to put things in perspective. 

I was shopping at JC Penney the other week (ya know, one of the weeks I was not blogging!) and I needed something to wear for a presentation I was giving in Dallas. It was an important meeting of important people and I simply did not have a thing to wear that fit

So I tried some stuff on and finally settled on a pretty blue blouse that matched a necklace I had just bought at a friend's jewelry party (I know you do that too) Problem was, it was a size 12. I was really bummed about that. I said some mean things to myself in the dressing room. I almost considered getting the 10 (because it was smaller) but then realized that having buttons pop off when I sat down probably would not a good impression make to these very important people. 

I begrudgingly stood in line feeling all sorry for my Size 12 Self when, just as the wave of self pity finished washing over me, a young man walked by. At least, he tried to walk by. He was assisted by a walker and was struggling to make his body go in the direction he wanted it to. I was suddenly very ashamed of the value I was putting on my size, standing there perfectly healthy (other than a few extra pounds over which I have control) while this young man, bless his heart, was not complaining about anything, but doing the best he could all on his own to get where he needed to be. He could not change the fact that he was physically challenged, but he sure wasn't going to let that stop him. Cue the self awareness.

I don't want to forget my blessings, I really don't. I also don't mean to compare in any way, a physical handicap to my weight problem. It just really slammed me back into perspective. After my devastating car accident in October of 2009, I was terrified to drive. I remember on one of my first attempts I pulled over, hysterically crying, and had my husband come and get me, because someone had pulled out in front of me and I completely freaked. I was uber-careful for the months after that. Little by little, I relaxed. And I don't need to "re-live it" every time I drive, but I also can't take for granted the fact that I survived and that God has a purpose for me. I need to remember.

I need to remember that this "big problem" I have is manageable, and it's up to me to find ways to manage it. I've started seeing someone who is helping me manage it, and get control of what I feel is a food addiction. Yes, here is me being vulnerable, but if it helps someone else then there it is and I'm not sorry for it. 

Something else happened yesterday that is more lighthearted. I accompanied a friend to a court hearing for a traffic violation to lend emotional support. While there I got to hear many sad stories, sat through a DWI trial, and had 2 prisoners in orange jumpsuits sit in front of me. Talk about a time for reflection!

There were 2 people there for the same charge - failure to remove snow (for those readers in sunnier states, it's when a bunch of snow falls on your car and you drive away without cleaning it off. Yes, you get a ticket for it and have to go to court. At least, in New Jersey you do.) 

So, the one lady goes up, the judge asks for her plea, and she says "Guilty." He fines her $31 plus $33 in court costs and she's on her way. 

The other guy goes up, the judge asks for his plea, and he says "Not guilty."

The judge looks up, looks him in the eye, and says, "Sir." 

Pause for effect.

"Sir, did you have snow on your car?"

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you fail to remove that snow from your car?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you then drive your car with the snow on it?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you wish to plead?"


Classic stuff. And because I was bored and have an active imagination, I daydreamed about my day in Diet Court. 

"To the charge of article 355-76, failure to lose weight, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

"Ma'am, did you eat that dessert even though you were full after dinner?"

"Yes your honor."

"Did you also neglect to pack a healthy lunch every day this week?"

"Yes your honor."

"Aren't you wearing size 10 jeans when you should really be wearing a 12?"

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you then wish to plead?"


guilty as charged

So, I need to serve my time. And it will most likely be a life sentence. BUT it's a life sentence in a good way - a chance for me to live my life as a grateful human being who is not in denial and won't squander chances to visit those she loves while they're still here. I want to make sure that I get up every time I fall (and that's a LOT) and that I remember the things that matter. 

Hermit, shmermit. I won't allow the way I think I will look to others determine what I do to make me happy. I'll make the best of here and now and not live in the shadow of a "future me" that is happy because she is thin. I can be happy now, and I can get thin, but those 2 states can function independently of one another. I'm not gonna wait until I'm skinny to do the things I want to do or visit the people I love, because none of us - not one of us - is guaranteed tomorrow. I need to remember that. I need to remember to speak kindly to and about myself. Here's my prayer:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

May we all remember and reflect on how truly blessed we are, and not be hermits from the world - how on earth can we shine our light inside our shells? 


  1. WOW - how powerful
    Loved the read. Heep posted on FR site

  2. i liked your comment about the guy having trouble walking. i had a similar experience with a lady who had almost no control of her body - having spasms constantly and struggling to get anywhere. i admired her for getting out there in front of everyone by herself and still getting things done. i realized that some people have horrible illnesses and no control over their bodies and here i am destroying mine. back to fitness ridge, making the change permanent! ive been blessed with a healthy body and will not destroy it.

  3. Dear Diana,
    You amaze me! Thank you, once again, for providing inspiration!