Things always seem to happen all together. And I'm not talking about the good things. Those seem to happen one at a time, and they're really spaced out. I'm talking about the really challenging things, the things that make you throw your hands in the air and lament "Why me?"
Yup, that's happened a lot this year. And what's become crystal clear is that my coping skills when it "rains" have been all wrong.
The last few weeks have been challenging, with many changes happening at work. I've lost some great people (to better jobs, so good for them) and some not so great people (who, I say, fired themselves for not playing by the rules). I've been doing the job of 3 people, and I am about to take on a 4th role if I cannot find the right fit for a certain position. I've had late nights, and uncooked meals, and no time for my family. My mother in law was in the hospital and some people close to me had medical scares and a friend called me crying about a tough family situation and I had no time to exercise and I couldn't even THINK about packing my lunch. My eating habits were out of control, I was always on the run, and to make matters worse, some bad Internet surveys caused my ranking at work (which had always been in the top 2% of the brand) to plummet. I'm what you would call a hot mess.
I've also spent a lot of time this year dealing with the sting of a close friend's betrayal, and the fallout from that with our mutual friends. I stayed quiet after the initial incident, and didn't plead my case like my former friend did. I figured silence is golden. That didn't work out so well. Some of my friends, with whom I thought I was closer, chose to maintain a close relationship with this person, even though they told me they would not. It felt like double betrayal. My former friend taunted me through various social media sites, and suddenly sought out people she hadn't been close with that were my friends in order to gain their favor. I couldn't understand it - even after much prayer, and asking God to open eyes that needed to be opened, nothing magically happened to heal relationships I lost. Even though I finally spoke up about what really happened, it didn't change things. I was very confused. Couldn't they SEE? It was consuming me. People who were also women of faith did not try and help heal my hurt. And in doing so, they only caused more.
Did you ever hear this quote ?
"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”
~Alexander Graham Bell
Here's the thing: I spent so much time concentrating on the one or two people who still associated with my former friend and made light of our friendship, that I didn't realize that I had many more friends who never wavered in their loyalty and support. Friends who truly loved me, and knew my heart, and didn't want to associate with someone who had treated me so badly. Friends who weren't even involved in the situation who assured me that I handled it appropriately, that I was wronged, and I was a good person for being good to her, even though she eventually chose to lie, and steal, and just be a mean spirited person and speak ill of people close to me. No, it wasn't my job to convince anybody of anything. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. I did a whole lot of praying. And I worked on forgiveness. And that was really hard.
With this betrayal, which affected my personal and work environment, came a sense of defeat. And when I'm defeated, I eat. When I'm sad or happy or jealous or mad or bored or tired or stressed, I eat. That's why this blog exists, right? Because I have a lot to say about food and how it's shaped my life.
On the mountains in Malibu, I had a moment where I felt I truly, truly forgave this former friend. It was liberating. But old wounds were re-opened, and I was defeated again. It was a vicious cycle. And then everything else started to happen when I wasn't even over this thing.
|Don't you wish problems would take a number?|
After last week's epiphany from the Biggest Loser finale, I turned a corner. In the rain. It was still pouring, but I was able to withstand it. I was kind to my body and didn't try and "get back" at anyone by eating something bad (yes, I said it, you know you do it too, and let me just say...how STUPID is that?) I made time for exercise even if I had to take a walk around the high school parking lot while my son had a tennis lesson. The results showed on the scale, too - I was down 4.8 pounds. Go me.
Tonight I got to spend a few precious, quiet moments with my husband after we both had a trying day. Because I am an emotional person (just ask him!) I had a "moment" and said "Ya know honey, at the end of the day, after all the craziness and drama of the outside world, we still got love." He mumbled "yup" or something like that, so I know he was really having a moment too (-:
Here's the thing: we do have love. If not from anyone else, then from ourselves; and if not from ourselves (cuz there's been plenty of times I do.not.like.me.) then from the One who loves us no matter what the circumstance. No matter what our friends say about us, no matter what we say about ourselves, no matter what the scale says. No matter what!
I turned to food for comfort, for anger, for sadness, for celebration. At those times, I should have been turning to God. I let the food be my source, my portion. I am learning through my "Made to Crave" book that perhaps I was even given this journey so that I could become closer to Him. Perhaps, if I was given skinny "genes" I would be too busy trying on skinny "jeans" to need Him. Interesting thought. I even let my mind wander that if my friend hadn't betrayed me, I wouldn't have to practice forgiveness so much.
|The whole "turning lemons into lemonade" thing? That was God's design||.|