The hours that followed were horrifying. People praying around our car as we waited for the sirens, not able to move, then all of us separated, my clothes being cut off with scissors, the painful bumpy ride in the ambulance, a blur of doctors in the trauma unit, being poked and prodded and PLEASE do not touch me and just complete and utter helplessness. Whispers of words like "concussion" and "whiplash" and "broken ribs" wanting to move but being literally unable to.
But, we were all OK (and I put that mildly - we were alive, which was a miracle)
I have never been a depressed person. Anxious? Yes. I worry a lot. But sad? Nah, not really. I can GET sad but it's not something my friends and family would use to describe me. But for the weeks following the accident, I would be the epitome of sadness and depression.
I literally could not walk. Could hardly breathe, although they were encouraging me to take deep breaths so I wouldn't get pneumonia. A sneeze was the scariest thing in my life during those weeks. Do you know how hard it is to hold in a sneeze, when you KNOW that NOT being able to hold it will set off a painful reaction that you cannot bear? To this day, when doctors as me "How much pain are you in on a scale of 1 to 10?" I will never, ever say 10 again because I experienced 10, and I do not need to exaggerate when I have a sore throat.
OK, so why am I talking about this now? Because I have a chance to do something pretty great for myself. A chance to win 2 weeks away at a place that will challenge this body that God has healed. I am thinking about it, praying about it with nervous trepidation, and fighting for it.
Last weekend I got to run a 5K. I ran it with a BMI of 30...but I ran it. I ran it with 50 extra pounds on my 5'3" frame...but I ran it. At times when I challenge my body, I am pushed when I remember those weeks after the accident when nothing worked. When I lay awake for 22 hours at a time, unable to sleep because of pain, but soooo tired, and the minutes felt like hours. It took months for me to heal. But I healed. And I know that some people are not so lucky. But I was lucky. Unfortunately, I could not see that at the time, because 6 weeks on my couch led to 30 pounds of weight gain on top of the 20 I already had to lose. Pity, party of one! I didn't care. I felt hopeless. But I care now. And I feel hopeful.
I will not squander an opportunity to let this body do what it is supposed to do (because, on a scale of 1 to 10, my past squandering was a 9.9) I know that I have a chance to really jump start my health and fitness (again) and I want to go for it with every fiber of my being. I have a great support system behind me, and I want to prove to myself that time can heal all wounds, inside and out. Time away is just what I need to focus on the inside so I can take care of the outside.
My wounds, physically, are healed. Nothing but minor knee pain lingers (which I believe is more from the extra weight than from the accident) But the healing that needs to take place now is on the inside. I had an "AHA" moment when I saw the contests posted online, and I went for it, finally believing that it was time for my inside to get caught up with my outside. I huff and I puff when I run, but huffing and puffing has proven to knock down some walls in the past. (-: And these walls need to come down.