I have had some internal struggles this week. Over winning. Not something you usually struggle with, right?
A lot of you know that I entered some contests this week. For the first, a video contest, I was sure I was a shoo-in. I had so many friends voting, and I was just feeling so confident and hopeful and I thought my video was totally cute. Imagine my surprise when I found I was ranked #50 - and only the top 30 would be considered to win. My heart sank, I felt defeated, and well, frankly, I thought more people cared about me and would have voted for me. Wah.
When I was having that pity party (that really annoying party where you don't have cake, no one brings presents and you cry) my husband put things in perspective: "Maybe God knows someone needs it more than you do." OK. That was fair. Perspective is good.
I still wanted cake.
So, when another contest popped up on my Facebook I ignored it. Not a fan of rejection, am I. Been there, done that.
But then it popped up again, with Hannah Curlee telling me I did NOT want to miss this opportunity (OK she said it to everyone on Facebook but it felt like it was for me. Her and Olivia are my favorite all time Biggest Losers and have inspired me by their transformations more than any I've seen!) and something in me decided to go for it. I was coming in later than others and had some SERIOUS catching up to do, I would be hundreds of votes behind, but what did I have to lose? (um, 50 pounds or so?)
It's tough to ask people to vote. They always feel like there's a "catch". I feel like I'm annoying. And I had already annoyed them pretty bad with the whole video contest. But I swallowed my pride and started to beg I mean ask for votes.
I was amazed at the support of friends, coworkers & strangers who clicked for me daily, commented and cheered me on. There's a great feeling when you know you have a cheering section. Lo and behold, I got moved up place by place, and am currently in first place.
Here's the catch: in order for me to get to first, someone else had to move to second. I don't deserve this prize more than anyone else; I just know I deserve it. It's tough to compete. But I know I need to take a "time out" to focus on me and my health, so that I can be around for my son and husband for a long time. So that I can get off my meds and achieve a healthy BMI and just feel better. I've been taking baby steps, and it's time for me to take a leap of faith. Is it bad that I want to win? Of course not. We all do. But there's the problem. There's just one winner. Cue the guilt, because it's tough winning at someone else's expense. But I know that whoever is meant to win will win, and God already knows the outcome. That makes it a little easier.
I haven't "won" yet, and someone tried to sabotage me and the girl who is just behind me by flagging our photos as inappropriate, which resulted in them being removed from the site. I originally thought it must have been an accident since the link is right under the "vote" button (naive much?) but then I read posts speculating about people not being "fair" by flagging our photos so we couldn't get votes and that just plan stunk. Some people don't like that other people "win" - but I have to realize that their heart might not be where mine is, and they try and take things into their own hands instead of leaving it up to God. It is what it is, and I am still going to fight knowing that I am doing so honestly and wholeheartedly and with a strong support system who wants to see me succeed. Not everyone likes when someone else is "winning", and Sarah and I experienced that today. But I also know that plenty of people are happy that "I" could win, and I am excited at the possibility that it might happen. If someone else wins? Well, it means that God knew that person needed it more than me, and that's OK.
I had once thought that winning might just be impossible. But I entered anyway. Kind of reminds me of how I once thought that running would be impossible. Did I mention I ran a 5K last weekend? (-; Makes me think of some lines from one of my favorite songs by a band called Kutless.
That's what faith can do / It doesn't matter what you've heard /
Impossible is not a word / It's just a reason for someone not to try
I certainly don't need one more reason not to try. I will keep fighting for the chance to make myself a better version of me, to find the peace that comes from a feeling of self-worth and self-confidence, and with the amount of love and support I am getting I am winning no matter what the outcome of this contest is.