Click

Sometimes it takes a while for something to "click". Especially for me.


Sometimes it takes something bad to happen. Like, my doctor prescribes me a pill that rhymes with "fatten" in order to control my cholesterol. That sure scared me into paying better attention to what I ate.

Sometimes it's prayer that helps something to click. Like when God revealed to me that I had a serious problem with chocolate, and led me to fast from it. I set myself a date of Christmas as my goal to refrain from eating chocolate bars. And like the promise I made during Lent, this one was to God, and I sure ain't breaking that! I've been "chocolate free" for over 2 months, and it has really helped me focus on sacrifice.

Last week, something else clicked. A month ago I joined Weight Watchers - in person. I've been a member online for longer than I can remember, and it was simply time to get back to the meetings. I found one I could attend on my lunch break. I needed the accountability at the weigh-ins.

                                           Week one. Weigh in.
                                           Week two.  I stayed the same.
                                           Week three, I lost .2 (thank God I peed before I weighed in)

When I left after week 3, having lost .2 in 3 weeks, it clicked.

I wasn't doing what I should have been doing and the numbers did not lie. In order to have a good weigh in, I had to eat less and exercise more (news flash!)

So, I got on it. Ran three times, walked twice, counted every BLT (for those of you not on WW it's an affectionate term for bites, lick and tastes)

Week four. Down 2.2

It's not rocket science. It just has to "click" at the right time. A series of events helped it click for me, and everyone is different. My circumstances are different than yours. All I know is that once I gave over control, and let God lead the way, it clicked.

When I ran this past week, I crossed a barrier that for me was a big deal. Week 5 of my Couch 5K.It was the longest I'd ever run without stopping, and by the end of the run, I felt so unbelievably pround of myself. For those who know-me know me, that's new.

I set myself a goal of 5 pounds before Disney, which is in 2 weeks. I know something may come along to throw a dent in that, but I also know that when I plan and commit, I feel better about myself and everything in my life, and nothing is an excuse to eat. No emotion that stems from other people's actions is going to make me make an unhealthy choice for my body.

Click.

I would eventually love to get off my statin. I wish it would have clicked before I ever had to take it in the first place...but then I wouldn't be writing this right now and potentially help it click for someone else. (-:

It may or not be audible but you'll feel it when it "clicks" for you!

Control

There are so many things I wish I had a remote control for. Unfortunately, life doesn't come with one. My "rewind" and "fast forward" buttons would have gotten some serious action.

Rewind to when I was thin. Fast forward past the bad times, so I know what my future holds (to where I was thin again without having to do the work..that would help too)

Hmmmm...would I want that?

There are many things in life we cannot control. The weather, the way other people treat us, other people to name a few.

Oh, I thought I could control things. How many times have you said, "I got this!" but then you really didn't? How many times did I think I had complete and utter control over this weight loss journey, only to find myself back at square one again. (go ahead, read back through my blogs for the past year, that'll give you a sense of my control).

Nope, not in control. Realizing that I am able to manage by the grace of God, I am. Making plans and doing my best to stick to them, I am. Um, ok, I sound like Yoda, so moving on... 

Anyway, the issue of control has come up in my life a lot lately. I have tried to control so many things...thinking if I just did this or said that or acted this way, I could get someone to do something or be something for me...or that if I treated someone with kindness I could get them to be my friend...or if I explained to someone my side of the story, a truly compelling tale, I could win them over. Then, the realization that people have their own agenda or opinions or their own wants and needs and there's nothing I could do to control anything they said or did was a big wake up call that I'm still waking up from.

It's in our nature to want to have control. We want to know what's going on, right? It's where my fear of flying originates. I don't even like being the passenger in a car.

So, you can see how this whole "give it to God, let it go" thing has gone for me. I've had to unclench my sweaty fists that were holding on to my "stuff" finger by clenched finger, to finally be able to open my hands and say "Here - it's all yours!" and man oh man, it's still a work in progress.

I was listening to Dr. Tony Evans the other day on my way to work. It was one of those days that I made a decision to stop for gas on my way TO work instead of on my way home FROM work. And lo and behold, it gave me just enough time to hear Dr. Evans' message (thanks, God)

Dr. Evans said something that I really needed to hear. He spoke about trying to control what our bodies do, and what we do to our bodies, without fixing what's on the inside first. About how it don't matter what we do to the outside - the inside's still gonna be broke if it was broke.

Love me some Tony Evans.

I really searched my heart to see if I was indeed "broke" on the inside. And the answer that came to me was that I was trying to take control of things myself, without asking God for help, because this was "my problem."  I had the whole world in my hands, and I wasn't gonna let anyone touch it.

My heart asked,
"How's that working out for ya?" and the answer was, "not so good."

When I leave control in my hands, I am uncontrollable. Odd how that works. But here's the good stuff: When I turn it over, I feel in control, and suddenly instead of concentrating on the grains of sand I can see a beach and the beauty in what is right in front of me, and has been all along, I just was looking at things from the wrong view. I am set free.

I saw the movie "Courageous" tonight. Friends, it is positively heartbreaking, and a reminder of what we need to surrender to God, even when we are not willing. The message was so powerful, I could cry just thinking about it. I had one of those "now I remember what's so important in my life" moments. And eating a bowl of chocolate mousse was not on that list. I've put so much importance on trivial things. It's good to have the soul shaken up some times to get us back on the right track.

I have relationships in my life that need some serious healing. And the hardest thing for me is to try and NOT to control that process...but my heart is being led to let go and let God take control, because He will work it out for good, and I will most certainly mess it up more by trying to control it. I have to believe that He has control of the situation, and sees the beautiful outcome long before I could even imagine it.

For me, too, and this journey I am on. I'm on my way. I have a promise to "prosper and not be harmed...plans for hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11) and that's the promise I am holding to.

Day by day, meal by meal, choice by choice. I can make my own decisions, yes. But I am done trying to control things which I can't. It goes back to my most favorite prayer in the world, and on most days, the only one I need, and a great reminder for those of us who like control:

Amen!

The Best Laid Plans...

Did you ever hear the saying "The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry"? Here's the definition:

No matter how carefully a project is planned, something may still go wrong with it.

Story of my life.

I've had plans - big plans, big plans - for most of my life. Not too long ago I made a plan to be "Fit & 40, not Fat & 40" - but at 41, I weigh more than I did a year ago.

Oops.

And, a year before that, I recall being on a real "health kick" - I vividly remember one particular day in October 2009, walking in the park, marveling at God's beauty in the colored leaves falling at my feet while I walked in the crisp fall air - I remember giving thanks for my healthy body and the beautiful nature God gave me to enjoy. I was using my gym membership on a regular basis and I was on my way to  weight loss of 20 pounds or so.

And then this:

I was laid up on the couch with broken ribs and torn knees and a neck brace that robbed me of sleep for weeks. My 20 pounds joined me rather quickly on that couch. The fact is, I needed to slow down, and perhaps this is the lesson I needed to learn that. To clarify, I don't mean literally - the accident was not our fault - I needed to slow down mentally. And that accident shaped my appreciation for life a hundred-fold. I am still marvelling at how my body has healed and is capable of moving again. When I was running today and wanted to quit, this is the picture that came to mind.

This picture brings me full circle to a year ago when I was ready to embark on my Biggest Loser journey - a year ago on this date, I was packing my cool-max socks and Ryjka aqua shoes and I had BIG PLANS to start my once-and-for-all-I'm-gonna-do-it-I'll-prove-it-to-everyone adventure of a lifetime. Those plans worked great for a few months. Then, life happened, and my plans grew less important as I grew busier. Funny how when you put something on the back burner, you don't see it as much, right?

I remember at one of the Women of Faith conferences I attended, Thelma Wells spoke of her day planner, and how every square of the month was filled in with things she had planned...and then, she fell ill. I remember how she said God "laughs" at our plans...because as we try to control the things in our lives and lose focus of giving our lives over to Him, we learn we are NOT in control at all. Now, don't get me wrong..you have to pay the bills, go to work, etc. But the point is, in spite of all our planning, we have to realize that things won't always go as planned.

I am sure all the married people can attest to that. I was no Bridezilla, but I sure was "picky" about what music could be played at my wedding. And by picky, I mean controlling. (-: I gave a list to the DJ and FORBID him to play any chicken dance, electric slide, or other goofy tune (my apologies if you like those, it's just not my cup of tea.) I gave him enough songs to be able to last the whole reception.

So, you can imagine my horror when I heard "Save a horse, ride a cowboy" playing on my perfectly planned, elegant day. He had indulged a Guest's request and ignored my instructions. O. M. G. It sure is funny now, but it sure was soooo not funny at the time. In spite of all my careful planning, I was not in control after all. We have friends who are on their way to get married in Hawaii today. I am sure they were not expecting a Nor'easter to dump 10 inches of snow in our area in October, but it happened. And they had to adapt their plans.

Lesson learned. After many years of trying to control things, I am adapting. It's part of letting go and letting God, and it's part of giving up this "I've got the whole world in my hands" attitude. Today I woke up ready for a run. I am on my way to Disney in January for my 1st 5K with my BFF, and I woke up absolutely ITCHING to run. I put on my Nike cold weather gear (with the sleeves that have finger pockets and everything) and I headed out. A few steps from the house, the aforementioned snowstorm had made the road I wanted to run on more appropriate for ice skates. So I turned around,tip toed my way home, and then I did something that was very unusual for me.

I got in my car, and drove to the gym.

Refusing to be defeated, I adapted my strategy. It was rather inconvenient for me to get in that car and drive today - I am sure staying home and saying "there goes THAT plan" would have fit my previous modus operandi...but this is how I know that I am not "done yet", and that that he who began a good work in (me) will carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6)

 As the daughter of a man who found sobriety in AA, I know all about "One Day at a Time"...and I am applying it to my life. Am I looking forward to my 5K in Disney in January? You betcha. I won't stop planning my life, but I will do so prayerfully, knowing there will be times when things don't work out quite the way I want.

But when my plans go awry, I still know that I have a goal, and to accept any less than the best for myself is selling myself short. With some friends losing loved ones this year, the fact that we are not guaranteed tomorrow is something I know all too well. I want to live my life to the fullest and if that means being flexible so be it. It's less "laissez-faire" and more "go with the flow" and it's something I need to practice every day. This life is the only one I got, and I just refuse to quit. Murphy's Law will not stop me. So there.

I'm planning on running again on Tuesday...anyone know what the weather's gonna be? (-:

A Question of Character

This past week a few things happened to make me stop and question myself.

Literally.

Like, who am I?


Some people that I thought I was friendly with made some less than flattering remarks about me. I found out and it took me by surprise. After the hurt wore off, I reflected on the comments. And by reflected, I mean obsessed.

I didn't understand. I try to be good to everyone I know, and I like to think that I am overall a pleasant person. I know that sometimes "perception" can be misleading, but I'm never able to completely dismiss a "diss". It's not the first time it's happened, and I'm sure it won't be the last. That knowledge doesn't make it any easier.

I came across a quote from John Wooden:

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

Love me some John Wooden!

Anyway, I memorized this one rather quickly and used it as comfort. Yup, who cares about reputation? I remember in the 9th grade I sure did when I caught mono, and everyone said it was from kissing a certain boy, when in fact I believe I got it from the water fountain. True Story. Reputation? Don't get me started.  

Then I started thinking about my character. And by thinking, I mean doubting.

What was my character? Who was I trying to be? Who was I, really?

I am someone who is trying to lose weight and be healthy, who is struggling with aligning my motivation with perspiration.

I am someone who loves to write, who has been too embarrassed to blog about setbacks.

I am a good person who cares about everyone's feelings. Sometimes too much.

I am someone who tries to live life by The Golden Rule.

I want to be a small part of the light in a dark world.

I'm all these things, and more. So to have someone doubt this "character" of mine was confusing, to say the least.

When I talked with my Mom about these things people said, she put it this way: "It doesn't matter as long as you know who you are in Christ."

Hmmm. That was food for thought. These scriptures came to mind:

“Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?” – 1 Corinthians 3:16


“You are the salt of the earth… You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.” – Matthew 5:13-14

 Romans 8 says
 “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus..."

I love that everything I need to face life's obstacles is in my Bible. The sting of the comments made this past week can be dulled with a good shot of The Word. The same was true of the betrayal I faced last year by a so-called friend. I still need to forgive her every day, but it doesn't hurt as much.

Not everyone will "get" me. I have a handful of good, solid, "salt of the Earth" friends and a committed, strong and caring husband to lean on when my character is questioned. 

One good thing? I haven't let this set me back from my goals. I am concerned with my journey, not my pace, and I am still on my way. I celebrate small victories (like, not consoling myself with junk just because someone was mean to me) and I surround myself with friends who lift me up. I am almost halfway through my 5K program (for those of you who are concerned with my timeline yes, I started over again) and will be "Running Disney" in January.

I am a believer in things happening for a reason. I needed the reminder that I am loved beyond comprehension. I needed to be reminded about the importance of forgiveness and show those who hurt me a spirit of Love (that was tough, but I did it.)

Without trials, the victories are not as sweet. I needed to remember that too. If it were easy to get back in a size 6, I wouldn't appreciate it as much. (Dear God, it doesn't have to be too hard either) (-:

What people think of me is none of my business. This was a light bulb moment for me this week. I hope you have yours, and that your "character" isn't questioned by the person that counts the most...you!

Perspective

It's all a matter of how you look at it, right? Isn't that what "perspective" is?

I'm usually a "glass half full" kinda gal. I try to look on the bright side of things, having been through plenty of trials and tribulations. I try to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. I want to have a grateful heart, and to realize I'm blessed.

Sometimes, though, that's hard to do. Really hard. Like, impossible.

We've had some ridiculous flooding here the past few days. Our basement had water literally pouring into it. I shop vac-ed it for over 4 hours while my husband was stuck at work. It was not fun. Thankfully, we had nothing down there that could get "ruined" - it was a space to be finished off 'someday.' But I was still so mad it was happening. The shop vac was way more than half full, but my glass was half empty, BIG TIME.

Today as I drove around, I passed at least half a dozen houses whose driveways were LITTERED with debris, trash, furniture, toys, etc. - evidence, I am sure, of feet as opposed to inches of water in their basement. One of my employees had FIVE FEET of water in her 1st floor apartment - her belongings all floated away. She lost everything. Everything.

Perspective. Gee, my few inches of water on concrete didn't seem that bad now.

I can remember back, early in my weight loss journey, when I would be feeling sorry for myself (usually when coming out of a dressing room) and then see someone in a wheelchair. I would immediately think to myself, "At least you're able to walk!"

But, when you put it in perspective, that person being in a wheelchair does not make it OK for me to be overweight. It makes me grateful for my healthy legs, yes, but I can't use it to excuse away MY problem. And yes, friends, it's a problem. Most of you who struggle with weight loss have been educated on the health risks of being overweight so you know what I'm talking about. I've used "unhealthy" perspective against me - for example, I have a faint memory of getting some ice cream to celebrate my healthy legs after the above incident. Absurd and not really sure I wanted to share it, but there it is.

I can use a healthy dose of perspective to snap me back to reality. We all can! I am grateful I have food to put on my table - and find it hard to imagine mothers who have no choice but to put  their children to bed hungry. Putting THAT in perspective helps me not take food for granted (I do try to remember to say Grace wherever I am) - and to try not to take more than what my body needs. That's hard to do too. I can be a little too grateful sometimes. (-:

With the recent loss of our beloved Peter, I have been at times drowning in my sorrow. I know there is worse loss, and I have experienced that too. However, this was truly heartbreaking for me, bringing back memories of my Dad, and causing me to have doubt in my heart about "letting him go." It doesn't seem real, and it doesn't seem fair, since he was an innocent party in our decision, and I just couldn't even bear the thought of what happened. Friends, you know I am a tee-totaler, so instead of drinking, I turn to food. I am somewhat proud to say that I ate just a few cookies and got just one "mini blizzard" to "comfort me" (unhealthy perspective told me it would make me feel better and that I deserved it cuz I was so sad.)

But, when I relayed Peter's story and my raw grief to a friend, she said, "Wow - 17 years old! What an awesome gift that God gave him to you for so long."

Ah, sweet perspective. I needed that. It made my heart hurt a little less. I was having a pity party, party of one, and not realizing that he was a glass-half-full gift for his entire existence.

I've been having some conflict with someone close to me. We just can't seem to see eye to eye on something. I have my perspective; they have theirs. I believe there's a lot of love in between that space of discord too. It's hard to feel when there's not harmony, but it's there. I can think of plenty of things that make our problem seem trivial; the recent events in the surrounding area, the painful anniversary of 9/11 this weekend that widows and parents and children have to bear; sickness and war and abuse and death. Healthy Perspective tells me just because it's not those things, doesn't make it less important to figure out and come to terms and have peace with. I understand it's a work in progress and when you love someone you have to be willing to look at things from their perspective. What a tough thing to do. But necessary, and I'm learning it's an act of love. You just have to be willing to see things from another's perspective to start the healing process.

When I was first starting my hotel career, I remember getting a banner made up, with bright pink and aqua letters, that read: "Customer Perception IS Reality!!" It was a way to remind my staff that what the Guests thought was real, was real to THEM. We might not understand it or believe in it, but it was their truth. It's so hard to apply that to life. My perception is MY reality. Your perception is YOUR reality. And then there is perspective that comes when you need it most. On a particularly gloomy day (inside and out) I asked my Facebook friends to "tell me something good." I was overwhelmed with responses - one friend even brought me muffins within the hour! - a far away friend was having twins! - another friend was expecting her 2nd any day now (hi Megan) and people reminded me that yes, Jesus loves me. Putting it into perspective, I realized there's plenty of GOOD in this world - and in MY world - and that it's all a matter of perspective. I'm still struggling with my healthy choices and finding time to run (which I have found to be nature's therapy). I still think how lucky I am that my child is healthy when I see a friend's child struggling to walk and talk at the age of 5. I will always take God's examples that He puts in front of me as a way to cultivate my attitude of gratitude. But what I can't (and by His grace, won't) do is allow perspective to skew my view on what "I" still need to do for "ME." Think about that the next time you're tempted to excuse away bad behavior because of someone else's misfortune, and try to maintain a healthy perspective on life.

Raise your glass - Cheers! What do YOU see?

Still looks half-full to me (-:

Letting go...

Today brought to light just how hard it is to let go. I think we are all reminded of that in some way or another.

Over the past few years, I've let go of a lot. My Dad, 7 years ago, was the hardest. Our beloved Doberman Kobie was another devastating loss. These losses still linger, and always will. 

I've learned to let go of bitterness and resentment over a friend's betrayal, and learned to let go of quite a few fears that were holding me back from truth, honesty, and being myself. I've let go of bad habits and negative thoughts that were hindering my weight loss and I let go of my idea that I had to be a certain number on the scale to be happy.

Today, it was time to let go of Peter.

17 years ago, I bought Peter as a gift for my then 11-year old brother. I knew my Dad would appreciate having a dog in the house again, and I knew that a Bichon was one of the dogs my mom would allow in the house, since our neighbors had bought 2 of them from the same litter and she thought they were sooo cute.

This is what Peter looked like when we brought him home:

A little white furball who was instantly lovable, he worked his way into my family's hearts. My Dad, who at first called him a "little white rat", soon began taking Peter everywhere he went. He became my Dad's best friend, and was in the passenger seat for almost every car ride. He even served as a sort of "mascot" for AA meetings, as my father would go and set up the coffee. Peter was in many a prayer circle at those meetings. I like to think he helped my Dad stay sober.

A few months before my Dad died, he was coming out of anesthesia from a procedure, and was calling for Peter. The nurse asked if that was his son, so he said "Yes" - I will never forget the laugh we had when he told me to say Peter was my brother if anyone asked. Months later, as my Dad struggled with letting go, I will forever be grateful to the ICU staff at the Hershey Med Center for allowing Peter to be brought into my dad's hospital room; it was an amazing grace gift for my Dad. He couldn't speak, so mouthed the words "good boy" over and over as Peter obediently kept vigil in his lap, not wanting to leave his Master's side. We had to peel him away, crying and whining, when it was time to go.

After 17 years, it was time to let Peter go. As much as we want to hold onto something for "us" it's a matter of mercy to know when we have to let go and "let God" - I've been struggling with this a lot lately. Letting go of Peter was tough, because he was the last piece of my Dad we had with us. We wanted him for us, but we knew it was time for him to go. As my brother held him, and my family surrounded him with love and caring words and tearful goodbyes and sorrowful hearts, we let Peter go. I like to think that God allowed him to be a little perfect white puppy and run into my father's waiting arms in Heaven. As a matter of fact, I believe that's exactly what happened.

So we'll remember the little white furball who ran like a rocket after his baths, and be grateful for the gift of 17 years of his life, and somehow navigate the waters of grief again with loved ones and memories. I know there are many tragedies in life; today my husband told of a colleague's brother's wife who had a stroke and died at the age of 32. My friends and family still grieve the loss of a special young man on New Year's Day this year. There can be so much sorrow, and letting go...well, letting go is one of the toughest calls we'll answer. Without my faith, it wouldn't even be a possibility. But I believe in a merciful God, and I believe that He will allow the sun to rise in the morning after this dark night. I believe His promise that

"...weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning."

-Psalm 30:5

Life is short, and I for one still have some "letting go" to do. By the grace of God I'll continue to count my blessings while I have them in front of me, not take any day for granted, and not miss an opportunity to take care of myself and others, for this is the only ride we get. This is it, and there are so many beautiful moments to treasure. Peter was one of those moments, and he'll live in our hearts forever.

Go Peter Go...

Broken

My day today started out in an awful way. As I was leaving the charming New England B&B in Bar Harbor Maine, following 2 glorious days in one of the most beautiful places on earth...I smashed into a rock wall in the parking lot.

I can't even tell you how it happened. I was looking, I backed up slowly, and then the horrible "CRUNCH" sound. I immediately started to panic.

My new car.

My brand new car.

My DREAM car.

My beautiful brand new white dream car.

No.

I didn't want to get out, but I did, and it was not pretty. Bumper all scratched, tail light smashed. I was afraid I ruined the trip for my 79-year old mother in law (this was on her bucket list). I was afraid of what my husband would say (I have been known in the past to 'crunch' a car - he joked with me as we drove this new car off the lot to BE CAREFUL). I was just upset that I had let this happen somehow. And I could. not. stop. crying. To the point I could hardly breathe.

Words like "it's ok", "it was an accident", "you didn't do it on purpose", "it's just a car, it can be fixed" started to float their way through my tears. All true, but I was inconsolable over my new car, which I got in such perfect condition, and now was damaged. My perfect car. My most prized possession.

It took a few hours of somber thought to let it all sink in. YES, it could be fixed. It was going to be fixed. It was my fault somehow, but it could be fixed. And as usual, in one of my darkest times, the grace of God found me in the form of a scripture that came into my head and interrupted my negative thinking.

Behold, I make all things new.

It's a scripture I had engraved on my Dad's gravestone. "The old has gone, the new has come."

Yes, this too shall pass. And I know that when things are broken they can be fixed.

Including me.

I came out in perfect condition too. Not from a factory, couldn't be bought, and certainly not without sin, but I was in pretty good shape. And today's events got me thinking that even though I'm "broken" in many ways, I can be fixed too. And even though it wasn't by accident that all that chocolate fell in my mouth and put me in less than perfect form, I could still be fixed. I am fixing myself by making better choices day by day (hour by hour, minute by minute...)

Yup, it may take a bit longer than a deductible and a few days  in the shop, but I'm getting fixed too. And I'm certainly grateful that's "all" that's broken on me and my car. (-:

We'll be just fine, thanks, and I will enjoy the rest of my journey literally and figuratively and not let it ruin my day, my life.

My husband (who seemed to take the news well as far as I could tell from 700 miles away) always says, "It is what it is."

Indeed.

Material things can be replaced. Time with loved ones, and memories, cannot. So, in spite of my grieving over my perfect car, I realize it's just a "thing" and maybe I needed to put that in perspective to apply the principle of fixing what's broken to my life.

Here's hoping you can too.

xoxo