Who Ya Gonna Call?

I had a pretty bad day last week. It was close to awful. Mostly from things that happened at work; suffice it to say that firing people is the worst part of my job.  I came home much much later than expected, and didn't have a chance to make dinner, and that just added to my frustration. And oh yeah, I skipped lunch and was starving and if anything gets me cranky, it's being hungry and tired.

To top it off I was then fighting with a loved one. I decided to head out and grab something to eat. As I drove off in the direction that would have led me to McDonald's, I had a moment.

I knew where my car was headed and I knew what I was going to do. I was going to get some fast food to make me feel better.

Yes, that's right, I said it. To make me feel better.

A cheeseburger would make me feel better about what, exactly? That's the thought that popped into my head. And that's when I knew that I was headed in the right direction. Not literally, cuz my car was still driving the road to Ronald's place. But mentally, I checked myself before I wrecked myself.

I was feeling pretty alone up to this point. When you're at odds with those closest to you, it's impossible to vent to them, and it just makes you feel more alone. And so the me that had gotten comfort from food did what it knew to do. It went out for food.

Who DO you call when there's no one to talk to? I tried a few friends and they couldn't be reached. So I went to visit an old friend. He was at quite a few birthday parties when I was younger, and I kind of learned to depend on him in times of trouble. Ya know, for comfort.

Look how happy he is.

But before I got to his place, I said a quick prayer. Didn't really say it, it was more like I felt it. My heart reached out to God and kind of just gave up. I didn't want to do this to myself again, taking comfort in food, so I guess I just kind of begged Him with my heart to help me.

I turned into my Mom's development (yes it's on the way to McDonald's) and it turned out she had some leftovers from dinner. And it was just about 4 ounces of meat and some veggies and it was great. I ate healthily and I was really proud of myself and it was a sign that I was on the right path.

There is a twist here - I did visit the Golden Arches after dinner with my brother, and we both got a lowfat vanilla cone. The moral of the story is that I was completely in control at that point, and it felt good. The victory was sweeter than my cone and I knew that by calling on God in my time of need rather than Ronald McDonald I was letting Philippians 4:13 come to life for me:

 I can do all things through Christ  who strengthens me.

I had the cone, and it fit in my plan. But I didn't precede it with a greasy double cheeseburger and fries that would have made me feel awful afterwards. Funny how the things that look comforting to you actually aren't so comfortable afterwards. That's how temptation works, right?

This no good, horrible day was on a Sunday, and that Friday was my weigh day, and I was down 3.4 pounds in two weeks. I'm halfway through Week 3 of my Couch to 5K program. I kind of had a bad day the other day too, and I did visit Mr. Hershey on that one. 

Old habits die hard

Friends, I'm not letting my one bad day here or there turn into a bad week. And that, to me, is victory. I'll take it one day at a time, thank you, and I know who to call when it seems like no one is there. Do you?

Time Flies...

So the first thing that comes to mind is "...when you're having fun", right? That's true. Nothing goes faster than a great vacation.

It flies other times too. Like at work, when I'm so busy and it's 3pm and all of a sudden I realize I haven't eaten lunch yet. And in life in general, when "all of a sudden" I'm a 40-year old mother of a teenager who is taller than me and about to start high school. Yikes.

I'll tell you when it doesn't fly.

When I'm running.

I am painfully aware of how many seconds there are until my phone vibrates and that really cute guy says, "Walk." (OK I have no idea what he looks like, but it's nice to imagine he's cute, that way I won't get mad when he says "Run" again.)

Don't get me wrong; I loooove running. I do believe I have found me a new (healthy!) habit. But it kind of only feels good at the end when I can say "I did it!". Because at this point when everything is new, it's still kind of hard. Hard not to think about how my knee hurts and how I can't breathe.

Time goes really, really slow when you're doing something you don't want to do, or doing something that is hard. That takes work. Even if it's good for you.

There is a phrase I used to tell myself many years ago (because my dieting days go back to age 12). It's "The time is going to pass anyway; might as well be doing something good for yourself." Maybe I heard that from somewhere. Anyway, I would get so frustrated that it was taking SO LONG to lose weight. And that's when I would pull out that line. What the heck else was I gonna do with the time? Get fatter? No thanks. It didn't go on overnight, right? So it's not gonna come off overnight...RIGHT? (-: Somehow when it was coming ON I wasn't worried about the time. Hmmmmm.

So, here I am, up to 90 seconds of jogging at a time, and those darn seconds sure are long! (The absurdity of that comment does not escape me). But I keep telling myself that I can do ANYTHING for 90 seconds. Just like I told myself last week, except that was 60 seconds. And what else would I be doing with those seconds? I went to Zumba today (yay!) and I loved every second of it. It was tough and I was sweaty and I kept looking at the clock to see when it was over. But I realized if I wasn't at Zumba I'd probably be sleeping in and I surely would not have burned 600 calories or racked up over 5,000 steps in my sleep! And when I left...well, I was a warrior.

So yeah, the time will pass anyway. And here I am at 9:30 p.m. and I am proud of the way I chose to spend my time today. And this past week, my Week 1 of a new journey again.

Last Friday, my "Day 1" when "righteous anger" caused me to finally use the Couch to 5K app that I bought, I had an epiphany. While I was getting ready for bed, and thinking how HARD this was going to be (again), a thought came to mind. "Don't step on the scale for 2 weeks." Those of you who know me know I am not crazy and I do not hear voices. This was just kind of a thought that popped into my head, and not one that I would choose on my own, so I really knew it was God leading my heart.

I am somewhat of a scale addict. And by somewhat I mean I am seriously addicted. Every morning and night, I would weigh myself. And the number would determine my entire outlook on life. That is not me being dramatic. I would let it affect my everything. There was a point in my life, my "thin" time, when I would actually pack my scale when I went on vacation! Ah! Who was that girl?

Anyway I still had a bit of a problem. And by a bit, I mean big. And so when I had this thought, I wanted to fight it, but instead I went with it and actually committed right then in my heart, to God, that I would let Him lead me. I did that when I gave up my most favorite thing for Lent - Starbucks. And a promise to God is the biggest pinky swear EVER and it scares me to think of breaking it. Not because I don't think He is merciful and forgiving; I know He is. But because He is GOD for crying out loud and when He leads me to do something I want to try and do it.

So the scale is in my bathroom, and it's gathering a bit of dust. And I have not stepped on it in 8 days. A new record! And guess what? I am more focused on ME and my CHOICES, which I am in control of. If I had seen a "bad" number it may have led me to think "What the heck am I trying so hard for?" and led me back to my coconut clustered ways.

I'm not saying that will work for everyone. But it's working for me. And next Friday I'll weight myself and see what my hard work has done for me.

I know someone who thinks "the day and time I am going to die is pre-determined; nothing I do is going to change that" and they use that as an excuse to eat bad things and not exercise and not make an effort to be healthy. (and if you are reading this, I love you dearly). Do I believe that? Well, the first part, yes. I do believe our "time" is already determined. But I also believe John 10:10:

...I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.

Yup, someday I am going to die. It's the one thing I have in common with everyone I have and haven't met. But I also know that God wants us to have a full life; a rich life; an abundant life - and I want to make good use of the time I have by treating my body well. Because when I do, I am a better person not only to myself but to those around me. I am not as cranky (read: I still can be cranky. Just not as often and not over stupid things) I want to live and not feel sorry for myself for something I DID to myself and have complete power to change. I'm lucky to have a problem I can change. Blessed, even. I saw a woman crossing the street in a motorized wheelchair that she operated with her mouth and I counted that blessing over and over again.

Time is passing, and I do not want to look back with any "what ifs" on this time in my life. I want to take charge now while the gift of time is still mine. I want to have an abundant life and being overweight and not liking myself is not part of that plan. I have been sooo busy these past few weeks and did not make good use of my time. I worked too long, I didn't take time to make a meal plan, I lost touch with friends. Thank goodness for "do-overs". (-;

As a birthday gift, I gave my sister in law (and me) a registration to the Disney 5K run in January. Completing a 5K is on both of our bucket lists and we both started the Couch to 5K app together. So there, I am committed. And it's something to look forward to. And it will be here before I know it, since this time is flying by.

For those of you thinking you don't have the time to lose weight or exercise, think about it. The time is going to pass anyway. So what is the alternative? Do nothing? Guess what, it will still be "tomorrow" tomorrow so make your choices.

I choose to run.

Run Forrest, Run!

I am a runner.

OK OK it's only Day 2 of my "Couch to 5K" program but I am calling myself a runner. Because today I felt it.

Metaphorically I am running away from my bad habits and my bad attitude and my negative self talk.

Physically I am literally running towards a healthier me, a brighter future, the confidence I lost a little (long) time ago.

On my run today I looked up at the sky (probably to ask God for strength or something...it's a blur now and my heavy breathing made me forget why I looked up). I saw the most beautiful sight. It's when the sun's rays peek through the clouds. Ever since I was little, I thought it looked like "Heaven." Like God was letting a little piece of Heaven look through the clouds. And I felt like it was just for me.

It takes my breath away, every time

When I saw this sight, I found myself saying out loud, "Thank you God for giving me a body that can run." It just came out. And I was thankful for running. Because even though I was doing it in 60-second intervals in between 90-seconds of walking, I was running. 

In recent weeks I have been doing a lot of talking about what I can't do. I can't stick with my diet, it's too hard. I can't find time to exercise, I'm too busy. I can't run, my knees are bad.

How many times do we talk ourselves out of doing what's good for us? How many times do we have to feel bad about starting over again and feeling embarassed about it? Well, it's kind of like that owl with the tootsie pop. I'm taking a bite and I'm not waiting to find out. Cuz I'm starting over now. I don't care and I'm not embarassed cuz this is real and it's what I'm dealing with and I know some of you are too. I don't want to know how many times it takes, because I am interrupting the negative cycle - for today - and I plan on doing it again tomorrow. I need support and encouragement which I seek from various sources (some of which have a co-pay, haha) but ultimately it's up to ME to do what's best for ME. As I was running (in 60 second bursts) I realized that my choices got me to where I am now, and my choices are going to get me to where I am tomorrow. So - for today - I am choosing wisely.

As I write this, I am hungry. Not just "I feel like a late night snack" hungry, but "my dog is sleeping at my feet and got startled by my tummy growling" hungry. But I am making a choice to feed myself spiritually instead. It didn't hurt that when I was putting away laundry I tried on this Harley shirt that I wore when I was dating my husband. It looked like it shrunk a few sizes. Only it didn't. And so I went back upstairs and guess what, I didn't eat. I highly recommend trying something on that used to fit you, but doesn't, to get you motivated. Because I know I wore that before, and it makes me realize that it IS possible to be that size again, and that it's not a matter of "bone structure" that is not making it fit now.

So, friends, this is me being hopeful...the Runner formerly known as Coconut Clusters is giving it a go. And by the grace of God, I'm gonna keep going!

Run Diana Run!

Lost in Translation

Many of you may not know that I was a language student. I majored in French in college with dreams to become a translator for Michelin. I grew up flying to Germany every year to visit my Mom's family and learned German through the spoken language, and I even lived overseas in Croatia and became fluent in Croatian. I took 4 years of Spanish in high school and learning Italian is on my bucket list.

Foreign language fascinates me; having the ability to say something so that others understand is a really cool connection, and one that I'm able to use in my line of work in hotels. I also know that some things can get lost in translation. The word "the" doesn't even exist in the Croatian language and if I would tell someone in French that 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' it would sound really weird.

Today, we had a goodbye party for a Team Leader at work. His favorite is pepperoni pizza, so I ordered plenty of that along with ice cream cupcakes from Dairy Queen. My favorite.

One of my Team Members walked up to me and started saying something in Spanish. I am not fluent but can communicate, but the word "gorda" was unfamiliar.

So she says in her best attempt at English, "You fet" and gestures with her hands making a round shape around her body, and then says something about my "dieta" which I did not need a translator for.

I mumbled something like "I know" and laughed but oh man, that stung. And I know her heart and I know she didn't mean to be mean but it's not exactly something you say to your boss, right? And nothing can be lost in translation with a game of fat charades, either.

On the way home my son heard me talking to my friend about it and he said "Mom, use it as a positive to get motivated."

Yup, that's my boy. (-:

So, I went to the gym as soon as I got home, and I started my Couch to 5K program (I downloaded the app about 2 weeks ago with very good intentions). I ran when it said Run - only 60 seconds at a time, alternating with 90 seconds of walking, for a total of 20 minutes. I huffed and I puffed and my knee hurt and I was all sweaty but at least I was DOING it and I finished. And it felt great! (why don't I remember that?)

So, Maria, you will never read this blog but I am sure in some way God used you as a messenger to send me a very direct and blunt message. And hurt as it may have, it did get me moving. (I'm still going to sit her down and ask her to censor such comments in the future. But I only had one slice of pizza when I wanted two so I am not (too) mad at her.)

Earlier this week I also spoke with my therapist about how "unglued" I was feeling and how it greatly affected my eating habits. I told her about my 14 hour days and not packing my lunch and grabbing something on the go and eating too much chocolate and sleeping only 4 hours a night (probably because the chocolate kept me awake). She made a comment that was, again, rather blunt and startling.

She said, "If you were parenting your child the way you are parenting yourself, I would call child services on you."

Wow. Really?

Well, I guess if I were making my child work for 14 hours without a break and feeding him chocolate bars when he was hungry and not taking care of him the right way or letting him sleep enough...ok, I can see that. I get it.

That thought combined with today's new word, "gorda", got me to pay attention to what was going on outside the little stress bubble I've been in. It got me looking at myself the way others see me, and got me thinking of how I want to change that. I want to take good care of myself. I'm Someone's precious child, and it's so easy to forget the magnitude of that. I am fearfully and wonderfully made...my body is a temple...and there are good plans for my future. Not much gets lost in translation in the Bible.

Sometimes, sugar coated words don't work. They may actually give you a false sense that things are OK the way they are. No one said to me "No, you're not fat!" when I recounted my story today. They were offended for me, and shocked about the comment, but it is what it is, and I can't pretend it's not. I remember when, 30 pounds ago, I complained about my weight, and friends & family would say "You're crazy, you're fine just the way you are." Well, it's kind of quiet when I talk about my weight now. Cuz no one wants to hurt my feelings by giving it to me straight.

Except for Maria, haha.

I am not "parenting" myself well at all, thank you very much, and that's also a perspective I needed to wake up and smell the coffee. Or a nonfat latte.

The quote that came up on the Couch to 5K app's page for Day One was just what I needed. I love when that happens!

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply.

Willing is not enough; we must do."

                                         Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Yup, that's me. I sure do know a lot. And I've been willing. But the applying and doing parts were taking longer than they should have. I start things and I don't finish. I mean well, and get sidetracked or fed up. Anyone else?

I had to look at those words the whole time my little feet were jogging, because I realize I need constant reminders of what I want. I need to create a healthy environment for myself mentally and physically and most of all spiritually. Because I want this more than anything and I thank God for giving me some very direct signs that I wasn't doing anything to get me to where I want to be. But He let me start again today, and His mercies will be new again tomorrow!

There IS a finish line waiting. And I'll get there!

Self Control

Ah, self control. A great thing to have in certain situations. Like traffic. And diets.

I was recently enlightened on the subject (which is what usually leads to a blog) over the weekend. I headed to Delaware to celebrate a dear friend's 40th birthday. I have been friends with her for 23 years, and she has been living in Delaware for about 10 of them. We kept in touch by talking every day and she was in my wedding but we hardly saw each other and she had a whole circle of friends in Delaware that I hadn't met yet. That all changed this weekend.

When I arrived the first order of business was a champagne toast. Pink champagne. I am what you call a "teetotaler" - I don't drink alcohol. At all. My family has a history of alcoholism, and I learned that I simply wasn't made to process alcohol in a healthy way. And my addictive personality wasn't exactly a helping hand. So 9 years ago, after a really bad experience, I promised myself that was it - no more. Never again. And I haven't had a drop since.

Anyway, if you're like me, there's always that awkward little moment when you need to explain that you don't drink - even on your best friend's birthday. I'm not embarrassed by any means, and quickly endeared myself to the gang by declaring myself the Designated Driver.

The night led to a neat little outdoor restaurant - imagine festive atmosphere, tiki torches, live music. One of the girls mentioned that she wanted a menthol cigarette. Badly. She asked if I had one and I told her I hadn't smoked in 7 years. That I quit the day my Dad told us he had esphogeal cancer.

She found her cigarette, and in one of those profound moments that people get when they're tipsy, she turns and says in the most serious of voices, "I really admire you. You have such discipline. I could never have that much self control."

I half turned around to see who she was talking to, but it was me. She went on to say that it was so hard to quit drinking and smoking and that it was incredible that I was "being so strong."

I had never heard of myself referred to like that. Having most recently been called "Coconut Clusters" I was kind of feeling everything but disciplined.

Later that night, I had a little internal chuckle when I realized it was midnight and I was helping 2 of my new friends devour a basket of french fries. How's that for self control? I thought. But I still was thinking about my not-drinking and not-smoking being seen as what made me strong. Because you need food to live, so it's harder to see that as an addiction that needs "help", right? Quitting smoking and drinking can be praised. But you can't quit food, for goodness sake. So instead of quitting I just need to get me some self control.

On my 2-hour ride home, I reflected again on what she said. I thought about how hard it was to quit smoking, but I simply pushed through it because I saw how horribly it affected my Dad's health, and eventually caused his death. I thought about how I was so steadfast in my "never again" to alcohol after a night of overindulgence, and I never looked back. Most recently, I thought of how I gave up Starbucks for Lent. Man, that was hard. But I thought of it as a promise to God to sacrifice something that I loved. And I persevered. I did it. Now, on the 41st day, yes I did have a Starbucks. And I really appreciated it.

Ya know what? I can be strong. I started to think of other times I was strong in my life. Like when I just didn't "get" Trigonometry and had to take a summer class because I failed it, and all of a sudden it "clicked" and I got an "A". Like the time I left an unhealthy relationship while in a foreign country, with nothing but my son and the clothes on our backs and his favorite Teddy bear. I tell that story and people marvel. I forget how strong I can be. Do you?

This scripture was brought to mind:

Galatians 5:22-23 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I love, love, love that. And it so applies to my struggle with weight loss. If I can be blessed with these "fruits" and apply them to my everyday living, I can learn to be kind to myself again. To forgive myself when I mess up. To practice self control in the area of my life that needs it...just like I did before. I have a track record that proves I can do it. So why is it a problem? I'm still figuring that out. It's gonna "click" soon, I know it will. Seriously, the Bible talks about self control. Hello!

Friends, when you think you can't do it (and there is a special friend I was Facebooking about this tonight) you can. Just remember a victory you achieved and apply that to this too. You lost 70 pounds but gained 10 back? Celebrate the 60 that's gone! Don't focus on the 10! Get back on track because you know that's what makes you feel better! And maybe it's not weight loss. Maybe you're reading this and you need self control in the area of how you talk...or what you buy...or whatever. Just for today, I am feeling strong. I have planned my meals for tomorrow and I will put on my Bodybugg and start over again, because the only other option is staying in this place, the place where I am "Coconut Clusters" and that is not a good place for me to be. I'm not a happy camper in this place.

This is the sign I am printing out and going to look at when I need to make a decision on what I eat:

Good questions to ponder with ANY decision that needs to be made. I want self control, and I am going to surround myself with people who help me call it out, because oh yes it is in me.

I'll let you know how it goes. (-:

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Something happened last week that thew me for a loop. It was really disconcerting. Actually, two things happened that really got me thinking about who I really am and what I'm known for.

Exhibit A: There is a candy store called Weaver Nut Company where I go shopping for items we need for the hotel gift shop. I stopped in last week and bought some Hershey bars for a promotion we are doing. I decided to order a few treats from the candy counter.

What happened left me speechless. I walked up to the counter, surveyed the items in the glass case, and smiled at the young lady who came up to help me.

She smiled back at me, then she said something which totally caught me off guard. Something I was certainly not expecting to hear in a million years.

                                    "Coconut Clusters?"

I was left sounding like Fred Flinstone as I stammered something like "uh, buh, huh, do you...? How do you know that?" 

"I like them too" was her reply. 

 OMG. She remembered me.

I occasionally stop by that candy counter where I sometimes order a few coconut clusters and some non-pareils. But apparently my "sometimes" was every time I went in, because she knew me. She knew me as the Coconut Cluster Lady. Not cool.

There are certain circumstances where this would be cool. Starbucks, for example. If I would walk up to the counter and be greeted with "Venti decaf nonfat latte with 2 raw sugars extra hot?" that would be A-OK with me. Or at a local restaurant. "Grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side?" Nice. But "Coconut Clusters?" Totally not cool. It was shameful to me. I was embarrassed.

Exhibit B: While on a work trip, I was chosen to take part in a test-drive of a new website. Part of that test-drive was being interviewed on camera. So I was sitting there getting mic-ed up and I asked a question as a reflex: "Can you please not get my whole body in the picture? Like, can you just get from here on up?"

The camera man then utters a phrase that got my attention as much as "Coconut Clusters" did. More, actually. He says, "Oh, I remember you from last time. You are so self critical!"

Wow. He remembered me too. And not as the girl who was chosen to take part in a really cool project. Not as the girl who was a motivator, and a happy, confident person. Nope. I was the self-critical girl. The self critical girl who ate coconut clusters that made her not want to have a full body shot. Oh dear Lord. Again, I was speechless as the meaning of those words sunk in.

This immediately came to mind. Matthew 7:16 

You will know them by their fruit. Grapes aren't gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles, are they?

What kind of "fruit" was I being known for? Not good fruit. Not sweet fruit. That's so not me! And yet, to some people, it was.

I admit it's great to be recognized. You've seen the show. Where Everybody Knows Your Name. But when your name is tied to something that makes you unhealthy or something that is negative, it's not someplace I want to be.

So my spiritual awakening continues. I got to meet with not one but two friends this week on my journey to get it together and get back on track. We agreed to lift each other up and support one another. I am thankful for the ways God opens my eyes to see the truths (though they may sting a little) that have been holding me back...making me be someone I do not want to be. Making me the self critical coconut clusters lady.

I'm waiting for the day I can be known for other things. That day can be today. I can be known as the girl who started again, on this crazy rollercoaster of a ride, and downloaded the "Couch to 5K" app on her iPhone. I am going to run, friends. Blog to follow (-:

I'm a work in progress, but praise God I can see. See what I need to do to get where I want to be to be someone who glorifies Him in all that I do.

So friends, that's my self-awareness lesson this week, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to keep learning! So I'm gaining wisdom on my way to losing weight, and that's just fine with me, cuz it really has to start here anyway:

When it rains it pours

It's been a rough month. And for those of you who realize today is the 2nd day of the month, yes, that's what I said. It's kind of been a rough year, actually. 

Things always seem to happen all together. And I'm not talking about the good things. Those seem to happen one at a time, and they're really spaced out. I'm talking about the really challenging things, the things that make you throw your hands in the air and lament "Why me?" 

Yup, that's happened a lot this year. And what's become crystal clear is that my coping skills when it "rains" have been all wrong. 


The last few weeks have been challenging, with many changes happening at work. I've lost some great people (to better jobs, so good for them) and some not so great people (who, I say, fired themselves for not playing by the rules). I've been doing the job of 3 people, and I am about to take on a 4th role if I cannot find the right fit for a certain position. I've had late nights, and uncooked meals, and no time for my family. My mother in law was in the hospital and some people close to me had medical scares and a friend called me crying about a tough family situation and I had no time to exercise and I couldn't even THINK about packing my lunch. My eating habits were out of control, I was always on the run, and to make matters worse, some bad Internet surveys caused my ranking at work (which had always been in the top 2% of the brand) to plummet. I'm what you would call a hot mess.


I've also spent a lot of time this year dealing with the sting of a close friend's betrayal, and the fallout from that with our mutual friends. I stayed quiet after the initial incident, and didn't plead my case like my former friend did. I figured silence is golden. That didn't work out so well. Some of my friends, with whom I thought I was closer, chose to maintain a close relationship with this person, even though they told me they would not. It felt like double betrayal. My former friend taunted me through various social media sites, and suddenly sought out people she hadn't been close with that were my friends in order to gain their favor. I couldn't understand it - even after much prayer, and asking God to open eyes that needed to be opened, nothing magically happened to heal relationships I lost. Even though I finally spoke up about what really happened, it didn't change things. I was very confused. Couldn't they SEE? It was consuming me. People who were also women of faith did not try and help heal my hurt. And in doing so, they only caused more.

Did you ever hear this quote ?

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  

~Alexander Graham Bell

Here's the thing: I spent so much time concentrating on the one or two people who still associated with my former friend and made light of our friendship, that I didn't realize that I had many more friends who never wavered in their loyalty and support. Friends who truly loved me, and knew my heart, and didn't want to associate with someone who had treated me so badly. Friends who weren't even involved in the situation who assured me that I handled it appropriately, that I was wronged, and I was a good person for being good to her, even though she eventually chose to lie, and steal, and just be a mean spirited person and speak ill of people close to me. No, it wasn't my job to convince anybody of anything. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. I did a whole lot of praying. And I worked on forgiveness. And that was really hard.


With this betrayal, which affected my personal and work environment, came a sense of defeat. And when I'm defeated, I eat. When I'm sad or happy or jealous or mad or bored or tired or stressed, I eat. That's why this blog exists, right? Because I have a lot to say about food and how it's shaped my life.

On the mountains in Malibu, I had a moment where I felt I truly, truly forgave this former friend. It was liberating. But old wounds were re-opened, and I was defeated again. It was a vicious cycle. And then everything else started to happen when I wasn't even over this thing. 

Don't you wish problems would take a number?

After last week's epiphany from the Biggest Loser finale, I turned a corner. In the rain. It was still pouring, but I was able to withstand it. I was kind to my body and didn't try and "get back" at anyone by eating something bad (yes, I said it, you know you do it too, and let me just say...how STUPID is that?) I made time for exercise even if I had to take a walk around the high school parking lot while my son had a tennis lesson. The results showed on the scale, too - I was down 4.8 pounds. Go me.
 Tonight I got to spend a few precious, quiet moments with my husband after we both had a trying day. Because I am an emotional person (just ask him!) I had a "moment" and said "Ya know honey, at the end of the day, after all the craziness and drama of the outside world, we still got love." He mumbled "yup" or something like that, so I know he was really having a moment too (-:

Here's the thing: we do have love. If not from anyone else, then from ourselves; and if not from ourselves (cuz there's been plenty of times I do.not.like.me.) then from the One who loves us no matter what the circumstance. No matter what our friends say about us, no matter what we say about ourselves, no matter what the scale says. No matter what!


I turned to food for comfort, for anger, for sadness, for celebration. At those times, I should have been turning to God. I let the food be my source, my portion. I am learning through my "Made to Crave" book that perhaps I was even given this journey so that I could become closer to Him. Perhaps, if I was given skinny "genes" I would be too busy trying on skinny "jeans" to need Him. Interesting thought. I even let my mind wander that if my friend hadn't betrayed me, I wouldn't have to practice forgiveness so much. 

The whole "turning lemons into lemonade" thing? That was God's design

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So, yeah, when it rains it pours. There are more storms on the horizon, and I'm still getting wet from the one I'm in. I've got an umbrella, and maybe I'll chuck it and dance in the rain. I dunno. I only know that with God's grace I can weather any storm. We all can.