Butterfly

Sometimes, there is a reason for the struggle. 


This past week, I was wondering what that reason might be. Because it was not too obvious to me, and I was feeling somewhat defeated in the midst of some things that I really didn't understand. Things that were confusing, and things I did not have the energy for, and things that were bringing me down. I was struggling to make sense of it all. So I remained still, and quiet, waiting for an answer to come to me. 


Then, in discussing "enabling" family members with my sister in law, she shared this story. 


I had a lightbulb moment. Let me share the story (bear with me, you may have heard it, but it's so perfect for what I was going through myself this week that I know this was actually a lesson for me and not the enabling party I was originally discussing) 


One day, a small opening appeared in a cocoon. A man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it stopped and did not appear to make any progress. It appeared it had gotten as far as it could go, and could not go much longer. So the man decided to help the butterfly. He got a pair of scissors, and he cut open the cocoon. 


The butterfly emerged easily; but it had a tiny, withered body and shriveled wings. The man watched, waiting for the wings to open and for the butterfly to take flight. It never happened. In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a withered body and shriveled wings. It was never able to fly. 


What the man, in sincere kindness and  goodwill, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening, were nature's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings, so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. But he helped it out before it was able to complete its struggle, and it prevented the butterfly from fulfilling its purpose. 


Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in life. If God allowed us to go through life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as we would have been. We would never be able to fly. 


I know now that the struggles I have been facing in this contest have been preparing me to fly. I have learned things about myself that would never have been possible if someone would have cut open my "cocoon" and made it easy for me. I do not want to go ahead of God and be premature. I want to fulfill my purpose. As I watch others try to take control of their own destiny without allowing proper time for growth, I need to stay here - in my cocoon - and wait until I am ready. Because I can get out on my own, it's just gonna take some wigglin'. 

Live life without fear, confront all obstacles, be convinced that you can overcome them. The World is a gift for you, so that you, too, may spread your wings...

and FLY! 

Mountains

We all have our own mountain to climb. Although they are different sizes, they are mountains nonetheless. I don't much like mountain climbing in the literal sense. But figuratively, I'm about to yodel.

I am on a mission to get back to "me." And that means taking care of my body and getting to a healthy BMI. It's been a long time coming.

I am the age my father was when he had his first (of five) heart attacks. He ended up dying of esophageal cancer, which I am sure was brought on by years of smoking and drinking.

Well, I quit smoking the day he got diagnosed with cancer, and I have been sober for over 9 years. Those were some big mountains to climb.

My latest adventure involves this whole "getting healthy" issue. And for me, that means losing 50 pounds.

To some people, being 50 pounds overweight may sound hideous. And to others, I am sure it sounds like "no big deal." But as anyone who has struggled with their weight knows, it's all relative. Just because my mountain is smaller than someone else's does NOT mean it is going to be 'easy' for me. It's still a mountain. Did I mention I do not like to climb mountains? Much cooler here in the valley....

Are there some who have to lose more weight than me? Of course. I know I find it slightly annoying when I read about someone who needs to lose "10 pounds" and I am thinking "Girl, is that IT?" and I am sure some people are thinking about that of me.

But 50 pounds is a big deal for me, and my doctor agrees. It's not only the difference from being called "obese" or not, it's so much more.

It's getting off my cholesterol medicine. 

It's avoiding knee surgery. 

It's reducing my risk of so many diseases, including the heart disease that plagued my Dad. 

It's fitting into my clothes. 

It's wearing my wedding band (I thought gold was a soft metal? Nope, it won't stretch) 

It's having confidence again. 

It's finishing something for ME, for once. 

I want the "abundant life" God has in store for me. I entered a contest trying to find that abundant life. This contest has thrown me for a loop, and there have been many obstacles, but not once has my faith wavered. I have been so encouraged by friends and family and complete strangers. Those closest to me know how much this opportunity means to me. But when someone criticizes me for "only" needing to lose 50 pounds...well, that's not fair. I don't want to judge anyone without knowing their circumstances. I said before that I do not deserve this prize MORE than anyone else....I just know I deserve it. My mountain may look easy to some, but this is my Everest. I haven't been able to do it on my own and I am reaching out for help. I will be happy for whoever wins this contest, honestly, because we ALL need it, or else we would not have entered. It won't be an easy climb, and I do not know what the outcome of this contest will be. 

But I do know I believe in this: 

if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. - Matthew 17:20

if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. - Matthew 17:20

if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. - Matthew 17:20

if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will tell this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you. - Matthew 17:20

"Winning"

When I thought of the title of this blog, this is the image that came to mind. Just had to do it.


I have had some internal struggles this week. Over winning. Not something you usually struggle with, right? 


A lot of you know that I entered some contests this week. For the first, a video contest, I was sure I was a shoo-in. I had so many friends voting, and I was just feeling so confident and hopeful and I thought my video was totally cute. Imagine my surprise when I found I was ranked #50 - and only the top 30 would be considered to win. My heart sank, I felt defeated, and well, frankly, I thought more people cared about me and would have voted for me. Wah. 


When I was having that pity party (that really annoying party where you don't have cake, no one brings presents and you cry) my husband put things in perspective: "Maybe God knows someone needs it more than you do." OK. That was fair. Perspective is good. 


I still wanted cake. 


So, when another contest popped up on my Facebook I ignored it. Not a fan of rejection, am I. Been there, done that. 


But then it popped up again, with Hannah Curlee telling me I did NOT want to miss this opportunity (OK she said it to everyone on Facebook but it felt like it was for me. Her and Olivia are my favorite all time Biggest Losers and have inspired me by their transformations more than any I've seen!) and something in me decided to go for it. I was coming in later than others and had some SERIOUS catching up to do, I would be hundreds of votes behind, but what did I have to lose? (um, 50 pounds or so?) 


It's tough to ask people to vote. They always feel like there's a "catch". I feel like I'm annoying. And I had already annoyed them pretty bad with the whole video contest. But I swallowed my pride and started to beg I mean ask for votes. 


I was amazed at the support of friends, coworkers & strangers who clicked for me daily, commented and cheered me on. There's a great feeling when you know you have a cheering section. Lo and behold, I got moved up place by place, and am currently in first place. 


Here's the catch: in order for me to get to first, someone else had to move to second. I don't deserve this prize more than anyone else; I just know I deserve it. It's tough to compete.   But I know I need to take a "time out" to focus on me and my health, so that I can be around for my son and husband for a long time. So that I can get off my meds and achieve a healthy BMI and just feel better. I've been taking baby steps, and it's time for me to take a leap of faith. Is it bad that I want to win? Of course not. We all do. But there's the problem. There's just one winner. Cue the guilt, because it's tough winning at someone else's expense. But I know that whoever is meant to win will win, and God already knows the outcome. That makes it a little easier. 


I haven't "won" yet, and someone tried to sabotage me and the girl who is just behind me by flagging our photos as inappropriate, which resulted in them being removed from the site. I originally thought it must have been an accident since the link is right under the "vote" button (naive much?) but then I read posts speculating about people not being "fair" by flagging our photos so we couldn't get votes and that just plan stunk. Some people don't like that other people "win" - but I have to realize that their heart might not be where mine is, and they try and take things into their own hands instead of leaving it up to God. It is what it is, and I am still going to fight knowing that I am doing so honestly and wholeheartedly and with a strong support system who wants to see me succeed. Not everyone likes when someone else is "winning", and Sarah and I experienced that today. But I also know that plenty of people are happy that "I" could win, and I am excited at the possibility that it might happen. If someone else wins? Well, it means that God knew that person needed it more than me, and that's OK. 


I had once thought that winning might just be impossible. But I entered anyway. Kind of reminds me of how I once thought that running would be impossible. Did I mention I ran a 5K last weekend? (-; Makes me think of some lines from one of my favorite songs by a band called Kutless. 

That's what faith can do / It doesn't matter what you've heard / 

Impossible is not a word / It's just a reason for someone not to try

I certainly don't need one more reason not to try. I will keep fighting for the chance to make myself a better version of me, to find the peace that comes from a feeling of self-worth and self-confidence, and with the amount of love and support I am getting I am winning no matter what the outcome of this contest is. 

Time heals all wounds

In October 2010, my husband, son and I were pulled out of this car. An elderly woman had drifted into our lane and hit us head on at 50 miles per hour.

The hours that followed were horrifying. People praying around our car as we waited for the sirens, not able to move, then all of us separated, my clothes being cut off with scissors, the painful bumpy ride in the ambulance, a blur of doctors in the trauma unit, being poked and prodded and PLEASE do not touch me and just complete and utter helplessness. Whispers of words like "concussion" and "whiplash" and "broken ribs" wanting to move but being literally unable to.

But, we were all OK (and I put that mildly - we were alive, which was a miracle)

I have never been a depressed person. Anxious? Yes. I worry a lot. But sad? Nah, not really. I can GET sad but it's not something my friends and family would use to describe me. But for the weeks following the accident, I would be the epitome of sadness and depression.

I literally could not walk. Could hardly breathe, although they were encouraging me to take deep breaths so I wouldn't get pneumonia. A sneeze was the scariest thing in my life during those weeks. Do you know how hard it is to hold in a sneeze, when you KNOW that NOT being able to hold it will set off a painful reaction that you cannot bear? To this day, when doctors as me "How much pain are you in on a scale of 1 to 10?" I will never, ever say 10 again because I experienced 10, and I do not need to exaggerate when I have a sore throat.

OK, so why am I talking about this now? Because I have a chance to do something pretty great for myself. A chance to win 2 weeks away at a place that will challenge this body that God has healed. I am thinking about it, praying about it with nervous trepidation, and fighting for it.

Last weekend I got to run a 5K. I ran it with a BMI of 30...but I ran it. I ran it with 50 extra pounds on my 5'3" frame...but I ran it. At times when I challenge my body, I am pushed when I remember those weeks after the accident when nothing worked. When I lay awake for 22 hours at a time, unable to sleep because of pain, but soooo tired, and the minutes felt like hours. It took months for me to heal. But I healed. And I know that some people are not so lucky. But I was lucky. Unfortunately, I could not see that at the time, because 6 weeks on my couch led to 30 pounds of weight gain on top of the 20 I already had to lose. Pity, party of one! I didn't care. I felt hopeless. But I care now. And I feel hopeful.

I will not squander an opportunity to let this body do what it is supposed to do (because, on a scale of 1 to 10, my past squandering was a 9.9) I know that I have a chance to really jump start my health and fitness (again) and I want to go for it with every fiber of my being. I have a great support system behind me, and I want to prove to myself that time can heal all wounds, inside and out. Time away is just what I need to focus on the inside so I can take care of the outside.

My wounds, physically, are healed. Nothing but minor knee pain lingers (which I believe is more from the extra weight than from the accident) But the healing that needs to take place now is on the inside. I had an "AHA" moment when I saw the contests posted online, and I went for it, finally believing that it was time for my inside to get caught up with my outside. I huff and I puff when I run, but huffing and puffing has proven to knock down some walls in the past. (-:  And these walls need to come down.

I'm ready! 

"Never"land

If you've been a long time dieter like me, you've been to "Never"land. 


You don't have to pack your bags, get a passport, or wait for some magical guy in green tights to show up at your window (let's face it, in real life, that would be way creepy. Would you even go?)


As a matter of fact, you don't even need to leave your house. It's a "mind trip" and I found myself there again yesterday. 


OK so you all know I ran my 5K in Disney. You all know I am the girl who said she would "never" run. (There is an example of a trip to Neverland). Now, logically, one would deduce that since I ran for 40 minutes straight last Friday, I would have no problems running a 20-minute run which is what I planned on doing yesterday. 


But we all know that a dieter's mind is not exactly logical at all times. 

I started out hopeful enough - had on my cute little Bondiband (and I highly recommend a trip to their site - www.bondiband.com - if you're going to torture yourself, at least look cute doing it. This one's my favorite) 

Anyhoo...it sure LOOKED like a nice day from inside my house, but once I got outside the frigid 21-degree wind slapped my face and man did it sting. I had on my own tights (black not green) that were not holding up to their manufacturer's promise of keeping me warm and I forgot my gloves and POOF I quickly found my way to Neverland. 

"I'm never going to be able to stand this cold." 

"I'm never going to be able to run a whole 20 minutes in this." 

"I'm never going to lose this &^%$$! weight." 

No magical flying powers, no childhood delight in escaping the house. I was freakin' miserable. And then I got mad because I had told myself that I would "never" be negative again about myself on this wonderful journey I am on. 

Ahem. 

BUT, here's the thing. My mind went to Neverland but my body didn't. I didn't turn around and go back home, because something inside of me has changed. (I sure wish the outside would follow suit...I'm sure that's coming) I have a RESOLVE I didn't have before. And, quite frankly, I couldn't go to Neverland on this, because last Friday, I proved that I could do it. 

Have you ever done something you said you could/would "never" do? That was me with  my 5K. And once you GO THERE and conquer that "never" there is no turning back. And that's what kept me running yesterday. I had done more than this so there was no reason I could not do this and I started to tell myself that I'd warm up soon enough (I did) and that I would feel better after I did it (I did) and I just needed to suck it up because I have not been kind to my body and this was a way to turn that around (admit it, even though exercise hurts and we sometimes hate it we know that we are being kind to ourselves by doing it). Once you DO that "never", you are forever changed and you simply can't lie to yourself again. You're proved yourself wrong. It was one of the best things I have ever done. 

Yes, I took a trip to Neverland. But I also took a trip through my neighborhood and ran the whole way and felt great afterwards. So, what I'm saying is, although you may take many, many trips to Neverland, how long you STAY there is up to you. 

Me? I'm not packing my bags - I won't be here long! 

Are you lonesome tonight?

Lately, I have been feeling a little bit lonely. Not for any ONE reason in particular, I have just had a "lonesome" sort of feeling. I guess it doesn't help that I've been feeling sick - fever, sore throat, the usual suspects that pop in after I fly.

Perhaps my lonesome feeling was brought on by a contest I entered, into which I thought I could surely make it to the "finals" with the amount of people I know, and the many connections I have in my field. I shouted it from the rooftops. I thought I was in.

Well, when the rankings came out I was #46. Then I dropped to #50. Only the Top 30 make it to the finals, so I was crushed.

I got my feelings hurt, as I often do, when I feel like people don't "like" me. And I know that is a very silly thing to say, because there are plenty off people that like me, for crying out loud. But I was having a pity party and what you do at a party like that is feel pitiful. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

Then, a statement from my husband when he saw that I started to cry about not getting more votes and potentially not even being considered to win: "Maybe God has something else planned for you, something better. Maybe He knew someone else needed this more than you."

He also said something about losing weight being "easy" but I won't highlight THAT one. Ahem. 

So, I had to stop and think. Yes, I am the girl who says "If it's meant to be, it will be". This is NOT the only chance I will get to be able to win the battle I am fighting - I don't have to wait to win a contest to be successful (but man oh man, this one would have really, really helped me). I can't rely on others to determine my fate. I can't allow others' actions to turn me to making bad choices that affect my health. Talk about a hard habit to break! But I simply will not give up trying.

At times like this, when I am most lonesome, I realize that it is then that I am the least alone I have ever been. Because the one person that never, ever leaves me for forgets about me is who I need to lean on.

Peter 5:7 says:  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 


It's my son's favorite verse, and one that came to me this week when I was feeling all lonesome and what-not. I was keeping all the anxiety for myself and finding it a heavy load to bear. This is such a simple verse, but oh-so-powerful. I don't have to have the poor-me's. I have someone who loves me more than anything, and when I feel I am let down, He lifts me up. But I need to remember that, and keep my focus while still trying to live an abundant life. That is such a difficult thing for me to balance. Yes, I will still have pathetic moments when those around me lead lives that make me feel lonely. But I don't have to go it alone. 


I entered another contest today - I guess one of my gifts is tenacity (-:  If it's meant to be, it will be. And if it doesn't happen, that means there's a better plan for me. I'm never alone, even during the times I feel like I am...even during the times I think I see only one set of footprints. I need to remember....

"It was then that I carried you." 

Done!

I crossed something off my bucket list this weekend. The first and only thing so far, actually. I didn't even know I HAD a bucket list until just a few months ago, when I decided to sign my BFF and I up for our first 5K. And not just an ordinary 5K - a run in Disney (I'm a "go big or go home" kind of gal.) Pardon the pun, but I wanted to find my happy pace in my happy place. It was extra incentive.

You may already know that I was the girl who said she'd "never run." You may also already know that I am kind of short for my weight, and this made it a bit harder on me and my knees. If you've followed my blogs, you may also know that I start and stop things without finishing them a lot. This is something I am working to overcome in this New Year.

What happened this weekend, to me, was nothing short of a miracle. I know that to some, it's "only" a 5K. I know that to others, it's 3.1 miles of un-doableness (my word).

I had a plan. I downloaded the Couch to 5K app (now called "Ease Into 5K") and started off slow. 45-seconds-of-running kind of slow. The day I ran for two minutes I thought I might die (yes, I sometimes have a flair for the dramatic, but for real- I thought I might die). I gradually worked my way up to 15 minutes non-stop just a few weeks before we were to leave.

Cue the shin splints.

A week before the run, they were almost unbearable. "Here we go again" was the anthem in my head that week. It was a Murphy's Law event that happens to me a lot.  But, I heeded some good advice from my doctor and left for the trip pretty much pain-free. But I was scared, and doubted my ability to run.

Up until the actual run, I kept going on about my plan for the race. "OK, let's run for 15 minutes, then walk for 3, and then see how far we can run before we have to walk again." Running the whole race was not an option, because I was 100% certain I could not run the whole thing. Until I went to the port-a-potty.

Guess I better explain THAT one.

The morning of the race we stood in line to use the bathroom. In front of us was a woman with a little girl that I started to talk to. She was very overweight, by at least 100 pounds. She explained she had already lost 150 pounds just by running. I asked if she was running the 5K and she said "No, I'm doing the half tomorrow."

Half. As in half marathon. As in 13.1 miles.

My friend and I looked at each other and right then and there decided "We are running the whole thing." That woman whose name I did not catch was the inspiration that we could do it. God bless her, she gave us the confidence that we needed. When I've watched the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon I've often thought "If they can do it, so can I" - and this woman was a real life, right in front of us example of endurance and commitment and confidence. I don't believe I stood in her line by accident. Divine intervention was at work.

My goal was a realistic "under 45 minutes". I am happy and proud to say I finished in 40 minutes, 15 seconds, and I ran the whole thing. There were times I wanted to stop and there were times I did not trust this body of mine to get me through but I pushed on, because for once in my life I wanted to finish something I started, darn it.

It's one thing to do something someone else says you can't do. It's a kind of "in your face!" moment. But when you do something that YOU say you couldn't do, it's such a deeply spiritual, emotional breakthrough. I am forever changed by this experience, it's mine and no one can take it from me, and I did it. I don't need accolades from anyone, I don't need to wait for words of praise. I don't need anyone's approval. I have accomplished something that shifted my entire being into wanting to be a better version of me -I've neglected myself for too long, and made excuses for that neglect, and blamed other people's actions for MY bad choices. Nope, this is all about me now. I just know that I've turned a corner mentally, and my physical struggle is just beginning, but the hard part really is over. I have let go of the fear and the doubt and the lack of self-worth and am starting to believe in myself again, even when I don't think other people believe in me or find me worthy. I am believing Jeremiah 29:11 for me, really believing it, and starting to live like I believe it, instead of wallowing in my self-pity and wondering who really loves me for me. The feeling of being "unlovable" has gotten me to being 50 pounds overweight, but I am determined to conquer this once and for all.

I love me for me, and I will start showing it so that others can see it in the way I take care of myself. Never again will I say I can't do something.