Chores. Ugh.

I asked my son to help me with the laundry tonight. I got the look. If you have a teenager you know it well. The "I don't wanna" look. My son is a good kid and he does do his chores - but not without the obligatory protest first.

I don't necessarily like all my chores either. There's always a caveat.

I like to do laundry but I hate to iron.
I like to vacuum but I hate to dust.
I like washing dishes but I hate drying them.
I like to be thin but I hate to diet and exercise.

Huh? Diet and exercise? Is that a chore? Well, yeah, come to think of it, it kinda is on some days for me.

It's not a chore to eat cake. As a matter of fact, it's just plain fun. Mmmm, even the sound of "mmmm" let's you know it's a good thing. Pictures like this are the reason this blog is in existence.

I heart cake.

It's no coincidence that eating too much cake (and other stuff) caused me to be on a weight loss journey. I overindulged. You play, you pay. Eventually it catches up to you and you need to do some work to fix it. And the paying is not as fun as the playing. And the journey is filled with all kinds of ups and downs (as my faithful blog readers can attest to) OK, so I don't necessarily always HATE diet and exercise. Being good to myself makes me feel awesome. There are times after Zumba when I feel like I could conquer the world and I am the happiest, most annoyingly giddy person you will ever know. But sometimes it's hard to be good to yourself, on the days when it feels like a chore. The very word "chore" makes it sound like it's gonna be hard anyway. It's a hard, mean sounding little word. I like another word that starts with "cho" but chore is not it.

Sometimes it just takes good old fashioned work to get the job done. The laundry is not going to fold itself, the dishes won't do a Bippity Boppity Boo into my cabinets, and my butt is not going to fall off while I sleep.

God will not always give me an epiphany through the form of a song in the gym or a person in my path or a remarkable coincidence or a scripture that comes to life.  There won't always be a time when we are inspired to be our best. There won't always be a quote or a song or a compliment to motivate us. Sometimes we just have to git-er-done, because we have to, and because we want the result and we know that's the way to get it.

I really wanted to just sit and watch TV tonight. But I got on the bike (which is facing the TV) and pedaled for 1/2 hour. My butt went numb after 15 minutes and I was not a very happy camper, but I did it. I know it's a necessary step to get my result, so I did it. I hated it, but I did it.

Maybe tomorrow it won't feel like a chore, when I have my happy music on, when I step on the scale and see a good number or when I hear the birds singing and realize how blessed I am to be here. But if it does, I'm still gonna do it, because I'm mad at my butt for being too big.

This is me today, and that's all I got. Hope you can relate and get your chores done too. I'll let you know if this chick shows up. If not, you can find me at the gym tomorrow.

Quit Talkin' Smack

Lately I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about me. 

You're a failure at dieting, You're past your prime, you have a big butt, you'll never lose the weight, nothing fits you, you're wasting people's time talking about it, why's it taking you so long, you don't look good in that, she's thinner than you are, what is your PROBLEM?!, etc.

The nerve, right! 

I mean...who would say such things to sweet, agreeable, motivational me? 

Um...me. 

I have really been praying against this negativity but it's so easy to fall back on those negative thoughts. I've even found a few friends who will commiserate with me.  You should hear us: 

"My butt is so big" 

"You wanna compare? MINE'S bigger!" 

"OMG I am starting over again today" 

"At least you're starting!" 

"I am the biggest idiot"

"Can't be bigger than me!"

And so on, and so forth. (my partners in crime will recognize their quotes and probably laugh. But it's kinda not funny, right? We gotta stop girlfriends! It's not healthy!)

Along with the negative thoughts, I set myself up to be disappointed a lot. Anyone recognize this move? You spend forEVER getting ready for "something" - take extra time on your hair, put your makeup on just right, splash some glitter across your eyelids because you are feeling fabulous, wear something nice, puff a few puffs of your favorite perfume, and then come out of the bathroom for the big reveal. You are waiting for the ooh's and ahh's to start. 

Cue the crickets. 

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt that's too small to wear right now. 

And then, that familiar voice that only I can hear:

"You're too heavy, that's why no one is telling you that you look nice. Because they don't want you to think you look nice the way you are right now."

Boy, have I wasted a lot of time with this crap. Pardon me, but that's what it is. I mean, I've been shown SO many lessons on how I should be grateful for my healthy body...for my life.

I was talking to someone about my feelings, and her advice was to "know who I am in Christ" and this stuff won't get to me. I thought about that, and this came to mind: 

Finally, a good thought. A kind thought. A thought given to me by the God who created me. A thought I really, really needed.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I am in charge of me and my feelings. I am not responsible for the way anyone else acts or thinks. And how they think and act does not affect my self worth. I don't have to look to others for validation. I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, for someone to help lift me up. But I realized today while in the dressing room at TJMaxx, trying on clothes for an upcoming trip (for which, of course, I haven't a thing to wear that fits) that I can look good, and I don't need to wait for anyone to tell me. I had one of those days today, at TJMaxx, where everything fit - and I liked almost everything I tried on (good for my confidence, bad for my pocketbook, but the confidence won out on this one.) I actually looked at myself in the mirror, and said "Wow you look really nice" (the dressing room was empty, but I really wouldn't have cared). Dare I share that I even blew myself a kiss? (-: It was amazing, that one nice compliment I gave myself really helped my mood. I was friendly to the dressing room lady (usually they see me crying) I didn't care what size was on the tags, I just liked what I tried on and it fit me "now" and it would help make me feel nice, even if no one else noticed. I can bless myself, thank you very much, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So, girlfriends, let's make a pact. Let's quit talkin' smack about ourselves and fake it til we make it. Say it even though you feel silly. It will help, I promise. 
 
Fearfully and wonderfully made. Say it the next time YOU look in the mirror. Let the meaning sink in. You may notice you see yourself in a different light. 

Roar.

I'm not coming out 'til I'm skinny!

Hello yeah, it's been a while. 
Not much, how 'bout you? 

OK OK I've been really, really busy. The kind of busy that makes it hard to blog, write, track food, eat healthy, exercise...

I have a friend who told me that she was kind of avoiding me because she had gained some weight and was embarassed. She is a dear, dear friend (and I know you are reading dear friend so I will not use your name or identify you in any way (-;) and I would not even give a second thought to the fact that she gained weight. Cuz so did I since high school! I just wanna see her. I joked that she was talking hermit crab talk and I would have none of it. It was silly to me. So I told her I am coming to see her, and I sincerely hope she will see me (-:

Well, I also did the same silly thing. There's an association I belong to as a hotel manager, and there are monthly meetings. I have put them off and sent someone else in my place because the last time anyone saw me was 25 pounds ago. (yes, I measure time in pounds, I know a lot of you do too). I would just be too embarrassed to go, cuz that's not how they remember me. 


Well, God has put certain things in my path both humorous and serious, to let me know how to put things in perspective. 


I was shopping at JC Penney the other week (ya know, one of the weeks I was not blogging!) and I needed something to wear for a presentation I was giving in Dallas. It was an important meeting of important people and I simply did not have a thing to wear that fit. 


So I tried some stuff on and finally settled on a pretty blue blouse that matched a necklace I had just bought at a friend's jewelry party (I know you do that too) Problem was, it was a size 12. I was really bummed about that. I said some mean things to myself in the dressing room. I almost considered getting the 10 (because it was smaller) but then realized that having buttons pop off when I sat down probably would not a good impression make to these very important people. 


I begrudgingly stood in line feeling all sorry for my Size 12 Self when, just as the wave of self pity finished washing over me, a young man walked by. At least, he tried to walk by. He was assisted by a walker and was struggling to make his body go in the direction he wanted it to. I was suddenly very ashamed of the value I was putting on my size, standing there perfectly healthy (other than a few extra pounds over which I have control) while this young man, bless his heart, was not complaining about anything, but doing the best he could all on his own to get where he needed to be. He could not change the fact that he was physically challenged, but he sure wasn't going to let that stop him. Cue the self awareness.


I don't want to forget my blessings, I really don't. I also don't mean to compare in any way, a physical handicap to my weight problem. It just really slammed me back into perspective. After my devastating car accident in October of 2009, I was terrified to drive. I remember on one of my first attempts I pulled over, hysterically crying, and had my husband come and get me, because someone had pulled out in front of me and I completely freaked. I was uber-careful for the months after that. Little by little, I relaxed. And I don't need to "re-live it" every time I drive, but I also can't take for granted the fact that I survived and that God has a purpose for me. I need to remember.


I need to remember that this "big problem" I have is manageable, and it's up to me to find ways to manage it. I've started seeing someone who is helping me manage it, and get control of what I feel is a food addiction. Yes, here is me being vulnerable, but if it helps someone else then there it is and I'm not sorry for it. 


Something else happened yesterday that is more lighthearted. I accompanied a friend to a court hearing for a traffic violation to lend emotional support. While there I got to hear many sad stories, sat through a DWI trial, and had 2 prisoners in orange jumpsuits sit in front of me. Talk about a time for reflection!


There were 2 people there for the same charge - failure to remove snow (for those readers in sunnier states, it's when a bunch of snow falls on your car and you drive away without cleaning it off. Yes, you get a ticket for it and have to go to court. At least, in New Jersey you do.) 


So, the one lady goes up, the judge asks for her plea, and she says "Guilty." He fines her $31 plus $33 in court costs and she's on her way. 


The other guy goes up, the judge asks for his plea, and he says "Not guilty."

The judge looks up, looks him in the eye, and says, "Sir." 

Pause for effect.

"Sir, did you have snow on your car?"

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you fail to remove that snow from your car?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you then drive your car with the snow on it?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you wish to plead?"

"Um...guilty?" 

Classic stuff. And because I was bored and have an active imagination, I daydreamed about my day in Diet Court. 

"To the charge of article 355-76, failure to lose weight, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

"Ma'am, did you eat that dessert even though you were full after dinner?"

"Yes your honor."

"Did you also neglect to pack a healthy lunch every day this week?"

"Yes your honor."

"Aren't you wearing size 10 jeans when you should really be wearing a 12?"

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you then wish to plead?"

"Um....guilty?" 

guilty as charged

So, I need to serve my time. And it will most likely be a life sentence. BUT it's a life sentence in a good way - a chance for me to live my life as a grateful human being who is not in denial and won't squander chances to visit those she loves while they're still here. I want to make sure that I get up every time I fall (and that's a LOT) and that I remember the things that matter. 


Hermit, shmermit. I won't allow the way I think I will look to others determine what I do to make me happy. I'll make the best of here and now and not live in the shadow of a "future me" that is happy because she is thin. I can be happy now, and I can get thin, but those 2 states can function independently of one another. I'm not gonna wait until I'm skinny to do the things I want to do or visit the people I love, because none of us - not one of us - is guaranteed tomorrow. I need to remember that. I need to remember to speak kindly to and about myself. Here's my prayer:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

May we all remember and reflect on how truly blessed we are, and not be hermits from the world - how on earth can we shine our light inside our shells? 

Two scoops of crazy with a side of coo coo cachoo!

I remember how hard I laughed at that line in "You Again" (brilliantly delivered by Kristen Chenoweth). 

I've been feeling a little two scoops of crazy lately. 


But, in all fairness, I got a little sidelined on my little stay at home vacation. I had BIG plans. Boy, was I gonna take time out for me. I was gonna get so much done. I had lists! Zumba every day! It was ON! Until I heard the announcement over the loudspeakers:

"We interrupt this staycation to bring you a virus." 

Metaphoric loudspeakers of course. But there I was, down for the count. Fever of 103, weakness, stomach trouble. Not exactly part of my plan to git-r-done. I was on the couch for about 2 and a half days, precious time I needed to spend planning...zumba-ing!...getting back to me. 

Maybe it was a chance for me to slow the heck down, and just think. Yeah, maybe it was that (although, Lord, I think better when I'm not puking. Just sayin'.)

Yup. I had time to think. I thought about how sad I was to not be able to cross stuff off my list. And then I thought about how things are beyond my control and I can't use them as an excuse to lose track of me. 

Today was a better day. I even got to Zumba (convincing myself to sweat out to last of my sickness!) then went to Wegman's and loaded up on all sorts of healthy, organic foods to make my meal plan for the week. 

"Stuff" happens. And it kinda happens a lot to me (-: but, I was able to get right up off the couch and continue with my plan. It was an inconvenience, a hiccup, but it didn't keep me down. I spent about an hour typing my meals into my Bodybugg program for the next few days - yes, an hour, once I realized I was meeting my calorie count but not the proper nutrition balance. 


It's work. It's hard work. I'm committed to being committed and that's the best I got for now. I may blog again soon about another hiccup - perhaps one I did to myself. But it's OK. Like someone said - "I'm worth it." I know what to do. I'm just taking the long way.

I waffle. I persevere. And then I waffle. Go ahead and call me crazy.

crazy like a fox (-:

Time Out!

I'm on staycation.

It's a stay at home vacation.

Boy, did I need it.

I decided to take a week off to concentrate on ME. Kinda like I did back in November, when I hopped on a plane to California to head to Fitness Ridge. Except it's totally different being at home, of course. BUT Fitness Ridge and what I learned is in my heart, and I needed a time out to get re-connected with the positive thoughts (and eventually, positive actions) that will get me to where I want to be.

Cue the staycation!

I've been getting "lost" in everyday life. I stopped exercising, stopped tracking, and was caught in a cycle of stop and go. I got incredibly motivated for a few days then got incredibly discouraged after a few days. And it just kept repeating itself. I was SPOT ON and then I was "who cares?"

what a ride.

It was really driving me crazy. Yup, the rollercoaster emotions, the rollercoaster willpower. I want this sooo bad ("this" being a healthy BMI) and I was not being consistent. I'm working on it. Every day.

My sister told me last night to "quit blogging about it" because it was embarassing to see how many times I was like "TODAY IS THE DAY!" and how I'd fall back off and slack, and then start over. She said that I should "just do it" once and for all.  I get that, and it came from a good place in her heart, but when you've never had a struggle like I have, it's hard to truly relate.

But to me, this is not embarassing. It's....humbling. And it's keeping me accountable. And it lets others know that they're not crazy either. It's just really, really, (really) hard. 

But two steps forward and one step back is still one step forward.

I've made good choices for a few days in a row now. I planned, I exercised, I am getting back to the "it's OK to take time out for me" attitude that will bring me success. I went to 2 Zumba classes yesterday (one regular and one aqua - loved it BTW) and I had that "a-ha!" feeling about how good it felt to work my body.

No obligations. Time to read a book, time to read some encouraging scriptures, time to organize my closets and clean my floors and just get back to basics. Then I will face obligations again. But right now, I am in the middle of a week of getting my head back on straight, and planning out my week's meals and making sure I stay on plan, and yes I signed up for Aqua Zumba every Friday. I'm going to actually BRING my gym bag to work with me and pack my lunch the night before. I took a walk with my whole family (even the dog) tonight. Yes, it's about me, but I also need support and encouragement and for people to know how important this is to me. (like you, Megan, and bless your heart for not giving up on me!)

Have you had a time out lately? Time out just for you? I highly encourage it. If anyone gives you a hard time about it, post this on your Facebook page and take a time out:

Divine Gymtervention

My mother always says God is "no respecter of person" - like, He'll bless the man on the street asking for change as quickly as He'll bless the rich man in the mansion. Today, I learned God is no respecter or place. 

I found Him at the gym. 

A little over a week ago, I got a membership to the Rec Center a mile from my work. I had the grand idea of going during my lunch break so I would get some exercise in, without taking time away from my family. Note, I said "a little over a week ago." Well, it was like 2 weeks ago. Today was my 1st day of my "gym" lunch break.

My previous idea of a lunch break consisted of eating at my desk while I pored over the hundreds of emails in my inbox. That is, when I remembered to pack (and take!) my lunch to work. Otherwise I'd just grab a candy bar on the run. This was part of my "No more Groundhog Day Diet" plan. It got a kind of late start. But it started.Today. Somewhat reluctantly.

I was at work today and was pretty much caught up on what I had to do. I kind of sat at my desk and wondered what to do. (note to my boss: this rarely happens. It like, never happens.) My gym bag was in my car (where it's been for a little over a week) and I thought "I should really go to the gym." 

I didn't wanna. 

I was blah.

Blah happens a lot to me. It's when I'm in my blah state of mind that I start to let things slip...like my food tracking, and my exercising, and my will to make myself a better version of me. So I kind of said a little prayer to help me get un-blah. Because I know that I really do want to be a better me on most days.

I got up and announced I was going to the gym for lunch (cuz I thought this was a form of accountability I needed.) The response from my Front Office Manager (bless her heart - love her) was "Is this the 1st gym lunch you're taking?" cuz she remembered my grandiose announcement of said membership and intentions to go daily on lunch breaks.

I mumbled yes and went out the door. Now I had to go. 

Got to the gym, and my new membership card scanned in spite of the blah hand holding it kind of blah-ly. 

Went into the locker room, got dressed, and forced my way past the sign announcing the weight loss of their Biggest Loser contestants. WHATever. I was blah-er than I thought. I really just wanted to leave. I probably had at least 15 new emails to sift through...

"Lord, let me just get through 20 minutes, please" was my prayer. 

Walked into the cardio room and was immediately drawn to the elliptical-looking machine called "Octane." Got on it, fussed with the controls a bit, and started to move. Sluggishly and without enthusiasm.

A few things happened kind of all at once. 

I thought "I really just wanna get through 15 minutes Lord" and then I thought of how badly I want to look good in my Disney pictures and then I looked at the machine in front of me and told it "I'm just not that into you" and then...

And then God turned on the music. 

OK, naysayers, go ahead and say it wasn't God. But at that moment, I heard a song that only He could have orchestrated to come on at the exact moment I was starting to do something I didn't wanna do, when I was praying for strength and conviction of spirit. A song that immediately killed the "blah" and inspired me to just do it. 

The theme song from Rocky. 

Really? I laughed out loud, and my pace quickened and I grabbed the arm things that had been moving without my arms on them and I mouthed the few words to the song

Trying hard now, it's so hard now, trying hard now..
Getting strong now, wont be long now, getting strong now..
Gonna fly now, flying high now, gonna fly, fly, fly

Oh, yeah, and I did 30 minutes and man, did I sweat.

I find it amusing that God has not only the time to care for little ole "blah" me on my lunch hour, but that He does so with a divine sense of humor. The timing was impeccable. If I hadn't dawdled, I would have missed it. It was meant just for me.

God knows the desires of our hearts. And the desire of my heart is to be a healthier me. To honor the body He gave me - a whole body (albeit an overweight one- which is my bad.) In Malibu, I learned to respect this body which had healed itself from many injuries and was able to literally climb mountains. Yup, it was time I showed myself some respect, and did what I didn't wanna do to get where I wanna be.


I fall, but I get up. Every time. Cuz the alternative is staying down, and that's not acceptable to me. I am trying every day and know I will find the strength just when I need it. So it's still on, and I'm in! When I was done with my workout, the machine displayed the words "Congratulations, you've been fueled by Octane." Actually, today, I was fueled by God, and the faith that will get me through the rest of my journey.


Oh, by the way...the song He played for my cool down? 

"Respect"

Groundhog Day

You've seen the movie, right? It's a classic. Bill Murray wakes up and every day is the same day (Groundhog Day) - he keeps re-living it til he "gets it right" (loses his bad attitude and achieves true love)

Well, my friends, I have been on the Groundhog Day Diet. Every day I'd wake up, and start the same day all over again. Ya know - today's the day!! It's Day 1! It's the first day of the rest of my life!

Good intentions. They lasted til about 3, 4 o'clock. 

Then the next day would really be the day. Like, for real. But then it was someone's birthday and a piece of cake would open the door for me to slide down the slippery slope of not tracking, not counting, and "I'll start again tomorrow" attitude. 

Vicious cycle indeed! But, as you read yesterday, it was Groundhog Day again. And I did it. 

I tracked, I counted, I planned. I went to Zumba. Success! 


My tallies for the day? 

1288 calories, 30 WW points(only 1 "over" on the new system, plus I earned at least 5 at Zumba)

When I look back on the food I ate, it really doesn't "look" like much. As a matter of fact, while my husband and son were eating the pizzas I brought home (at their request - and I have been Febrezing the heck out of my car to get rid of the delicious smell!) I ate a modest dinner of pita chips, guacamole, and an orange. But I wasn't starved or anything, I just made sure I kept track along the way so I could be in charge of the numbers before they ran ahead of me. And it worked.

Hooray! And when I woke up today, I didn't feel the sense of "starting over" but a sense of continuing - for today- the seeds of good intentions that I planted yesterday. This time, let's hope they take root!

I know what I know. I have learned a lot. As many of you have I'm sure, I have lost and gained throughout my life. I have a lot of befores and afters. It's not that I'm crazy, or unmotivated. It's just really hard to get out of a rut you've been in for so long. But it's ok, and it's real life, and it's hard and complicated but it's the only one we've got so let's make it count.

I believe I can do it now. No more Groundhog Day. Cuz (sing with me!)....

I got you, babe.