Self Control

Ah, self control. A great thing to have in certain situations. Like traffic. And diets.

I was recently enlightened on the subject (which is what usually leads to a blog) over the weekend. I headed to Delaware to celebrate a dear friend's 40th birthday. I have been friends with her for 23 years, and she has been living in Delaware for about 10 of them. We kept in touch by talking every day and she was in my wedding but we hardly saw each other and she had a whole circle of friends in Delaware that I hadn't met yet. That all changed this weekend.

When I arrived the first order of business was a champagne toast. Pink champagne. I am what you call a "teetotaler" - I don't drink alcohol. At all. My family has a history of alcoholism, and I learned that I simply wasn't made to process alcohol in a healthy way. And my addictive personality wasn't exactly a helping hand. So 9 years ago, after a really bad experience, I promised myself that was it - no more. Never again. And I haven't had a drop since.

Anyway, if you're like me, there's always that awkward little moment when you need to explain that you don't drink - even on your best friend's birthday. I'm not embarrassed by any means, and quickly endeared myself to the gang by declaring myself the Designated Driver.

The night led to a neat little outdoor restaurant - imagine festive atmosphere, tiki torches, live music. One of the girls mentioned that she wanted a menthol cigarette. Badly. She asked if I had one and I told her I hadn't smoked in 7 years. That I quit the day my Dad told us he had esphogeal cancer.

She found her cigarette, and in one of those profound moments that people get when they're tipsy, she turns and says in the most serious of voices, "I really admire you. You have such discipline. I could never have that much self control."

I half turned around to see who she was talking to, but it was me. She went on to say that it was so hard to quit drinking and smoking and that it was incredible that I was "being so strong."

I had never heard of myself referred to like that. Having most recently been called "Coconut Clusters" I was kind of feeling everything but disciplined.

Later that night, I had a little internal chuckle when I realized it was midnight and I was helping 2 of my new friends devour a basket of french fries. How's that for self control? I thought. But I still was thinking about my not-drinking and not-smoking being seen as what made me strong. Because you need food to live, so it's harder to see that as an addiction that needs "help", right? Quitting smoking and drinking can be praised. But you can't quit food, for goodness sake. So instead of quitting I just need to get me some self control.

On my 2-hour ride home, I reflected again on what she said. I thought about how hard it was to quit smoking, but I simply pushed through it because I saw how horribly it affected my Dad's health, and eventually caused his death. I thought about how I was so steadfast in my "never again" to alcohol after a night of overindulgence, and I never looked back. Most recently, I thought of how I gave up Starbucks for Lent. Man, that was hard. But I thought of it as a promise to God to sacrifice something that I loved. And I persevered. I did it. Now, on the 41st day, yes I did have a Starbucks. And I really appreciated it.

Ya know what? I can be strong. I started to think of other times I was strong in my life. Like when I just didn't "get" Trigonometry and had to take a summer class because I failed it, and all of a sudden it "clicked" and I got an "A". Like the time I left an unhealthy relationship while in a foreign country, with nothing but my son and the clothes on our backs and his favorite Teddy bear. I tell that story and people marvel. I forget how strong I can be. Do you?

This scripture was brought to mind:

Galatians 5:22-23 

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

I love, love, love that. And it so applies to my struggle with weight loss. If I can be blessed with these "fruits" and apply them to my everyday living, I can learn to be kind to myself again. To forgive myself when I mess up. To practice self control in the area of my life that needs it...just like I did before. I have a track record that proves I can do it. So why is it a problem? I'm still figuring that out. It's gonna "click" soon, I know it will. Seriously, the Bible talks about self control. Hello!

Friends, when you think you can't do it (and there is a special friend I was Facebooking about this tonight) you can. Just remember a victory you achieved and apply that to this too. You lost 70 pounds but gained 10 back? Celebrate the 60 that's gone! Don't focus on the 10! Get back on track because you know that's what makes you feel better! And maybe it's not weight loss. Maybe you're reading this and you need self control in the area of how you talk...or what you buy...or whatever. Just for today, I am feeling strong. I have planned my meals for tomorrow and I will put on my Bodybugg and start over again, because the only other option is staying in this place, the place where I am "Coconut Clusters" and that is not a good place for me to be. I'm not a happy camper in this place.

This is the sign I am printing out and going to look at when I need to make a decision on what I eat:

Good questions to ponder with ANY decision that needs to be made. I want self control, and I am going to surround myself with people who help me call it out, because oh yes it is in me.

I'll let you know how it goes. (-:

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Something happened last week that thew me for a loop. It was really disconcerting. Actually, two things happened that really got me thinking about who I really am and what I'm known for.

Exhibit A: There is a candy store called Weaver Nut Company where I go shopping for items we need for the hotel gift shop. I stopped in last week and bought some Hershey bars for a promotion we are doing. I decided to order a few treats from the candy counter.

What happened left me speechless. I walked up to the counter, surveyed the items in the glass case, and smiled at the young lady who came up to help me.

She smiled back at me, then she said something which totally caught me off guard. Something I was certainly not expecting to hear in a million years.

                                    "Coconut Clusters?"

I was left sounding like Fred Flinstone as I stammered something like "uh, buh, huh, do you...? How do you know that?" 

"I like them too" was her reply. 

 OMG. She remembered me.

I occasionally stop by that candy counter where I sometimes order a few coconut clusters and some non-pareils. But apparently my "sometimes" was every time I went in, because she knew me. She knew me as the Coconut Cluster Lady. Not cool.

There are certain circumstances where this would be cool. Starbucks, for example. If I would walk up to the counter and be greeted with "Venti decaf nonfat latte with 2 raw sugars extra hot?" that would be A-OK with me. Or at a local restaurant. "Grilled chicken salad with dressing on the side?" Nice. But "Coconut Clusters?" Totally not cool. It was shameful to me. I was embarrassed.

Exhibit B: While on a work trip, I was chosen to take part in a test-drive of a new website. Part of that test-drive was being interviewed on camera. So I was sitting there getting mic-ed up and I asked a question as a reflex: "Can you please not get my whole body in the picture? Like, can you just get from here on up?"

The camera man then utters a phrase that got my attention as much as "Coconut Clusters" did. More, actually. He says, "Oh, I remember you from last time. You are so self critical!"

Wow. He remembered me too. And not as the girl who was chosen to take part in a really cool project. Not as the girl who was a motivator, and a happy, confident person. Nope. I was the self-critical girl. The self critical girl who ate coconut clusters that made her not want to have a full body shot. Oh dear Lord. Again, I was speechless as the meaning of those words sunk in.

This immediately came to mind. Matthew 7:16 

You will know them by their fruit. Grapes aren't gathered from thorns, or figs from thistles, are they?

What kind of "fruit" was I being known for? Not good fruit. Not sweet fruit. That's so not me! And yet, to some people, it was.

I admit it's great to be recognized. You've seen the show. Where Everybody Knows Your Name. But when your name is tied to something that makes you unhealthy or something that is negative, it's not someplace I want to be.

So my spiritual awakening continues. I got to meet with not one but two friends this week on my journey to get it together and get back on track. We agreed to lift each other up and support one another. I am thankful for the ways God opens my eyes to see the truths (though they may sting a little) that have been holding me back...making me be someone I do not want to be. Making me the self critical coconut clusters lady.

I'm waiting for the day I can be known for other things. That day can be today. I can be known as the girl who started again, on this crazy rollercoaster of a ride, and downloaded the "Couch to 5K" app on her iPhone. I am going to run, friends. Blog to follow (-:

I'm a work in progress, but praise God I can see. See what I need to do to get where I want to be to be someone who glorifies Him in all that I do.

So friends, that's my self-awareness lesson this week, and I am very grateful for the opportunity to keep learning! So I'm gaining wisdom on my way to losing weight, and that's just fine with me, cuz it really has to start here anyway:

When it rains it pours

It's been a rough month. And for those of you who realize today is the 2nd day of the month, yes, that's what I said. It's kind of been a rough year, actually. 

Things always seem to happen all together. And I'm not talking about the good things. Those seem to happen one at a time, and they're really spaced out. I'm talking about the really challenging things, the things that make you throw your hands in the air and lament "Why me?" 

Yup, that's happened a lot this year. And what's become crystal clear is that my coping skills when it "rains" have been all wrong. 


The last few weeks have been challenging, with many changes happening at work. I've lost some great people (to better jobs, so good for them) and some not so great people (who, I say, fired themselves for not playing by the rules). I've been doing the job of 3 people, and I am about to take on a 4th role if I cannot find the right fit for a certain position. I've had late nights, and uncooked meals, and no time for my family. My mother in law was in the hospital and some people close to me had medical scares and a friend called me crying about a tough family situation and I had no time to exercise and I couldn't even THINK about packing my lunch. My eating habits were out of control, I was always on the run, and to make matters worse, some bad Internet surveys caused my ranking at work (which had always been in the top 2% of the brand) to plummet. I'm what you would call a hot mess.


I've also spent a lot of time this year dealing with the sting of a close friend's betrayal, and the fallout from that with our mutual friends. I stayed quiet after the initial incident, and didn't plead my case like my former friend did. I figured silence is golden. That didn't work out so well. Some of my friends, with whom I thought I was closer, chose to maintain a close relationship with this person, even though they told me they would not. It felt like double betrayal. My former friend taunted me through various social media sites, and suddenly sought out people she hadn't been close with that were my friends in order to gain their favor. I couldn't understand it - even after much prayer, and asking God to open eyes that needed to be opened, nothing magically happened to heal relationships I lost. Even though I finally spoke up about what really happened, it didn't change things. I was very confused. Couldn't they SEE? It was consuming me. People who were also women of faith did not try and help heal my hurt. And in doing so, they only caused more.

Did you ever hear this quote ?

"When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”  

~Alexander Graham Bell

Here's the thing: I spent so much time concentrating on the one or two people who still associated with my former friend and made light of our friendship, that I didn't realize that I had many more friends who never wavered in their loyalty and support. Friends who truly loved me, and knew my heart, and didn't want to associate with someone who had treated me so badly. Friends who weren't even involved in the situation who assured me that I handled it appropriately, that I was wronged, and I was a good person for being good to her, even though she eventually chose to lie, and steal, and just be a mean spirited person and speak ill of people close to me. No, it wasn't my job to convince anybody of anything. Because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. I did a whole lot of praying. And I worked on forgiveness. And that was really hard.


With this betrayal, which affected my personal and work environment, came a sense of defeat. And when I'm defeated, I eat. When I'm sad or happy or jealous or mad or bored or tired or stressed, I eat. That's why this blog exists, right? Because I have a lot to say about food and how it's shaped my life.

On the mountains in Malibu, I had a moment where I felt I truly, truly forgave this former friend. It was liberating. But old wounds were re-opened, and I was defeated again. It was a vicious cycle. And then everything else started to happen when I wasn't even over this thing. 

Don't you wish problems would take a number?

After last week's epiphany from the Biggest Loser finale, I turned a corner. In the rain. It was still pouring, but I was able to withstand it. I was kind to my body and didn't try and "get back" at anyone by eating something bad (yes, I said it, you know you do it too, and let me just say...how STUPID is that?) I made time for exercise even if I had to take a walk around the high school parking lot while my son had a tennis lesson. The results showed on the scale, too - I was down 4.8 pounds. Go me.
 Tonight I got to spend a few precious, quiet moments with my husband after we both had a trying day. Because I am an emotional person (just ask him!) I had a "moment" and said "Ya know honey, at the end of the day, after all the craziness and drama of the outside world, we still got love." He mumbled "yup" or something like that, so I know he was really having a moment too (-:

Here's the thing: we do have love. If not from anyone else, then from ourselves; and if not from ourselves (cuz there's been plenty of times I do.not.like.me.) then from the One who loves us no matter what the circumstance. No matter what our friends say about us, no matter what we say about ourselves, no matter what the scale says. No matter what!


I turned to food for comfort, for anger, for sadness, for celebration. At those times, I should have been turning to God. I let the food be my source, my portion. I am learning through my "Made to Crave" book that perhaps I was even given this journey so that I could become closer to Him. Perhaps, if I was given skinny "genes" I would be too busy trying on skinny "jeans" to need Him. Interesting thought. I even let my mind wander that if my friend hadn't betrayed me, I wouldn't have to practice forgiveness so much. 

The whole "turning lemons into lemonade" thing? That was God's design

.

So, yeah, when it rains it pours. There are more storms on the horizon, and I'm still getting wet from the one I'm in. I've got an umbrella, and maybe I'll chuck it and dance in the rain. I dunno. I only know that with God's grace I can weather any storm. We all can.

Transformation

So, I've been gone for a little bit. I think the last time I checked in on this blog, I was talking about "doing my chores." Ahem. Things have been a little...messy.

I have been reflecting a lot lately (appropriate that today is Memorial Day, a time of true reflection). I've been thinking about my journey this far. 

I went to Malibu thinking I was going to change my life. It was going to be the kick-start I needed to finally achieve a healthy weight once and for all. That's it, no more fooling around, time to change my life.

Well, change my life it did. However, I am not a size 6 yet. As a matter of fact, I weigh a little bit more than when I went. And I kind of weigh a little bit more than when I came back. 

OK. Not kind of. I do. I do weigh more than when I got back. And that fact has at times left me discouraged, defeated, and thinking that nothing would ever change. That the roller-coaster was my ride, and I might as well just hang on and scream.

But I've also had some really, really good moments. Brief glimpses of how committed I could be, how inspired (and inspiring!) I could be. Moments of greatness. True commitment, and unstoppable willpower.


On Tuesday night after everyone went to bed, I couldn't sleep. I decided to catch up on my finales.  Biggest Loser being one of them.


Let me just tell you, I had gotten a little behind on my episodes. I didn't even know who was going to be in the finale. And although I witnessed the transformations of the past seasons, this season was special, because I was at the Biggest Loser Resort in Malibu while this season was being taped, and I met and had a workout with some of the contestants. 


First, Sarah. Unrecognizable and, as one of my BL buddies remarked, "stunningly beautiful" (hi Peggy!) - I couldn't stop looking at her! Wow!


Then the sisters, Hannah and Olivia. Oh my, these 3 ladies literally had my jaw dropped open, and I was crying, and I was thinking how they transformed themselves during this same time period while I was rollercoasting. There was proof that with hard work, results could be achieved.


I guess the feeling that welled up inside me can best be described as resolve. It was strong, and powerful, and took me over. Right then and there, I started over with my healthy eating plan. (Granted, it was midnight. So I started in my mind only. But you gotta start somewhere).

I don't want to be known as someone who is angry all the time because I am unhappy with myself. I want to be known as someone who finds joy and shares it. I'm working on it.

I realized that I have been transformed since my time in Malibu. Except my transformation has taken place on the inside. I learned so much there and in the time since, and had incredible experiences on the mountains of Malibu, and made some pretty neat connections with some pretty neat people. 

There is no shame in starting over. I am sure at least someone reading this has done it one or ten times. It's not how you start, it's how you finish. And for today, I am committed. I have made good choices since Tuesday, and have worked in exercise every day. 


I've started to read the book "Made to Crave", and I feel like I have found the missing link - the "Aha!" moment on my journey. Too much importance has been given to the power food has over me. And too little importance has been given to the power that God has over me. I am really looking forward to finishing this book (they also have a free daily devotional that you can get emailed - check it out!)


My physical transformation? It's coming. And once I have my "after" picture, I'll post my "before." (-:  God started my transformation from the inside out. And I know He knows what He's doing.   

Philippians 1:6 says "He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion."

I am really, really looking forward to that. 

Chores. Ugh.

I asked my son to help me with the laundry tonight. I got the look. If you have a teenager you know it well. The "I don't wanna" look. My son is a good kid and he does do his chores - but not without the obligatory protest first.

I don't necessarily like all my chores either. There's always a caveat.

I like to do laundry but I hate to iron.
I like to vacuum but I hate to dust.
I like washing dishes but I hate drying them.
I like to be thin but I hate to diet and exercise.

Huh? Diet and exercise? Is that a chore? Well, yeah, come to think of it, it kinda is on some days for me.

It's not a chore to eat cake. As a matter of fact, it's just plain fun. Mmmm, even the sound of "mmmm" let's you know it's a good thing. Pictures like this are the reason this blog is in existence.

I heart cake.

It's no coincidence that eating too much cake (and other stuff) caused me to be on a weight loss journey. I overindulged. You play, you pay. Eventually it catches up to you and you need to do some work to fix it. And the paying is not as fun as the playing. And the journey is filled with all kinds of ups and downs (as my faithful blog readers can attest to) OK, so I don't necessarily always HATE diet and exercise. Being good to myself makes me feel awesome. There are times after Zumba when I feel like I could conquer the world and I am the happiest, most annoyingly giddy person you will ever know. But sometimes it's hard to be good to yourself, on the days when it feels like a chore. The very word "chore" makes it sound like it's gonna be hard anyway. It's a hard, mean sounding little word. I like another word that starts with "cho" but chore is not it.

Sometimes it just takes good old fashioned work to get the job done. The laundry is not going to fold itself, the dishes won't do a Bippity Boppity Boo into my cabinets, and my butt is not going to fall off while I sleep.

God will not always give me an epiphany through the form of a song in the gym or a person in my path or a remarkable coincidence or a scripture that comes to life.  There won't always be a time when we are inspired to be our best. There won't always be a quote or a song or a compliment to motivate us. Sometimes we just have to git-er-done, because we have to, and because we want the result and we know that's the way to get it.

I really wanted to just sit and watch TV tonight. But I got on the bike (which is facing the TV) and pedaled for 1/2 hour. My butt went numb after 15 minutes and I was not a very happy camper, but I did it. I know it's a necessary step to get my result, so I did it. I hated it, but I did it.

Maybe tomorrow it won't feel like a chore, when I have my happy music on, when I step on the scale and see a good number or when I hear the birds singing and realize how blessed I am to be here. But if it does, I'm still gonna do it, because I'm mad at my butt for being too big.

This is me today, and that's all I got. Hope you can relate and get your chores done too. I'll let you know if this chick shows up. If not, you can find me at the gym tomorrow.

Quit Talkin' Smack

Lately I've been hearing a lot of negative comments about me. 

You're a failure at dieting, You're past your prime, you have a big butt, you'll never lose the weight, nothing fits you, you're wasting people's time talking about it, why's it taking you so long, you don't look good in that, she's thinner than you are, what is your PROBLEM?!, etc.

The nerve, right! 

I mean...who would say such things to sweet, agreeable, motivational me? 

Um...me. 

I have really been praying against this negativity but it's so easy to fall back on those negative thoughts. I've even found a few friends who will commiserate with me.  You should hear us: 

"My butt is so big" 

"You wanna compare? MINE'S bigger!" 

"OMG I am starting over again today" 

"At least you're starting!" 

"I am the biggest idiot"

"Can't be bigger than me!"

And so on, and so forth. (my partners in crime will recognize their quotes and probably laugh. But it's kinda not funny, right? We gotta stop girlfriends! It's not healthy!)

Along with the negative thoughts, I set myself up to be disappointed a lot. Anyone recognize this move? You spend forEVER getting ready for "something" - take extra time on your hair, put your makeup on just right, splash some glitter across your eyelids because you are feeling fabulous, wear something nice, puff a few puffs of your favorite perfume, and then come out of the bathroom for the big reveal. You are waiting for the ooh's and ahh's to start. 

Cue the crickets. 

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt that's too small to wear right now. 

And then, that familiar voice that only I can hear:

"You're too heavy, that's why no one is telling you that you look nice. Because they don't want you to think you look nice the way you are right now."

Boy, have I wasted a lot of time with this crap. Pardon me, but that's what it is. I mean, I've been shown SO many lessons on how I should be grateful for my healthy body...for my life.

I was talking to someone about my feelings, and her advice was to "know who I am in Christ" and this stuff won't get to me. I thought about that, and this came to mind: 

Finally, a good thought. A kind thought. A thought given to me by the God who created me. A thought I really, really needed.

I am slowly coming to the realization that I am in charge of me and my feelings. I am not responsible for the way anyone else acts or thinks. And how they think and act does not affect my self worth. I don't have to look to others for validation. I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, for someone to help lift me up. But I realized today while in the dressing room at TJMaxx, trying on clothes for an upcoming trip (for which, of course, I haven't a thing to wear that fits) that I can look good, and I don't need to wait for anyone to tell me. I had one of those days today, at TJMaxx, where everything fit - and I liked almost everything I tried on (good for my confidence, bad for my pocketbook, but the confidence won out on this one.) I actually looked at myself in the mirror, and said "Wow you look really nice" (the dressing room was empty, but I really wouldn't have cared). Dare I share that I even blew myself a kiss? (-: It was amazing, that one nice compliment I gave myself really helped my mood. I was friendly to the dressing room lady (usually they see me crying) I didn't care what size was on the tags, I just liked what I tried on and it fit me "now" and it would help make me feel nice, even if no one else noticed. I can bless myself, thank you very much, and I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

So, girlfriends, let's make a pact. Let's quit talkin' smack about ourselves and fake it til we make it. Say it even though you feel silly. It will help, I promise. 
 
Fearfully and wonderfully made. Say it the next time YOU look in the mirror. Let the meaning sink in. You may notice you see yourself in a different light. 

Roar.

I'm not coming out 'til I'm skinny!

Hello yeah, it's been a while. 
Not much, how 'bout you? 

OK OK I've been really, really busy. The kind of busy that makes it hard to blog, write, track food, eat healthy, exercise...

I have a friend who told me that she was kind of avoiding me because she had gained some weight and was embarassed. She is a dear, dear friend (and I know you are reading dear friend so I will not use your name or identify you in any way (-;) and I would not even give a second thought to the fact that she gained weight. Cuz so did I since high school! I just wanna see her. I joked that she was talking hermit crab talk and I would have none of it. It was silly to me. So I told her I am coming to see her, and I sincerely hope she will see me (-:

Well, I also did the same silly thing. There's an association I belong to as a hotel manager, and there are monthly meetings. I have put them off and sent someone else in my place because the last time anyone saw me was 25 pounds ago. (yes, I measure time in pounds, I know a lot of you do too). I would just be too embarrassed to go, cuz that's not how they remember me. 


Well, God has put certain things in my path both humorous and serious, to let me know how to put things in perspective. 


I was shopping at JC Penney the other week (ya know, one of the weeks I was not blogging!) and I needed something to wear for a presentation I was giving in Dallas. It was an important meeting of important people and I simply did not have a thing to wear that fit. 


So I tried some stuff on and finally settled on a pretty blue blouse that matched a necklace I had just bought at a friend's jewelry party (I know you do that too) Problem was, it was a size 12. I was really bummed about that. I said some mean things to myself in the dressing room. I almost considered getting the 10 (because it was smaller) but then realized that having buttons pop off when I sat down probably would not a good impression make to these very important people. 


I begrudgingly stood in line feeling all sorry for my Size 12 Self when, just as the wave of self pity finished washing over me, a young man walked by. At least, he tried to walk by. He was assisted by a walker and was struggling to make his body go in the direction he wanted it to. I was suddenly very ashamed of the value I was putting on my size, standing there perfectly healthy (other than a few extra pounds over which I have control) while this young man, bless his heart, was not complaining about anything, but doing the best he could all on his own to get where he needed to be. He could not change the fact that he was physically challenged, but he sure wasn't going to let that stop him. Cue the self awareness.


I don't want to forget my blessings, I really don't. I also don't mean to compare in any way, a physical handicap to my weight problem. It just really slammed me back into perspective. After my devastating car accident in October of 2009, I was terrified to drive. I remember on one of my first attempts I pulled over, hysterically crying, and had my husband come and get me, because someone had pulled out in front of me and I completely freaked. I was uber-careful for the months after that. Little by little, I relaxed. And I don't need to "re-live it" every time I drive, but I also can't take for granted the fact that I survived and that God has a purpose for me. I need to remember.


I need to remember that this "big problem" I have is manageable, and it's up to me to find ways to manage it. I've started seeing someone who is helping me manage it, and get control of what I feel is a food addiction. Yes, here is me being vulnerable, but if it helps someone else then there it is and I'm not sorry for it. 


Something else happened yesterday that is more lighthearted. I accompanied a friend to a court hearing for a traffic violation to lend emotional support. While there I got to hear many sad stories, sat through a DWI trial, and had 2 prisoners in orange jumpsuits sit in front of me. Talk about a time for reflection!


There were 2 people there for the same charge - failure to remove snow (for those readers in sunnier states, it's when a bunch of snow falls on your car and you drive away without cleaning it off. Yes, you get a ticket for it and have to go to court. At least, in New Jersey you do.) 


So, the one lady goes up, the judge asks for her plea, and she says "Guilty." He fines her $31 plus $33 in court costs and she's on her way. 


The other guy goes up, the judge asks for his plea, and he says "Not guilty."

The judge looks up, looks him in the eye, and says, "Sir." 

Pause for effect.

"Sir, did you have snow on your car?"

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you fail to remove that snow from your car?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"Did you then drive your car with the snow on it?" 

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you wish to plead?"

"Um...guilty?" 

Classic stuff. And because I was bored and have an active imagination, I daydreamed about my day in Diet Court. 

"To the charge of article 355-76, failure to lose weight, how do you plead?"

"Not guilty."

"Ma'am, did you eat that dessert even though you were full after dinner?"

"Yes your honor."

"Did you also neglect to pack a healthy lunch every day this week?"

"Yes your honor."

"Aren't you wearing size 10 jeans when you should really be wearing a 12?"

"Yes your honor." 

"How do you then wish to plead?"

"Um....guilty?" 

guilty as charged

So, I need to serve my time. And it will most likely be a life sentence. BUT it's a life sentence in a good way - a chance for me to live my life as a grateful human being who is not in denial and won't squander chances to visit those she loves while they're still here. I want to make sure that I get up every time I fall (and that's a LOT) and that I remember the things that matter. 


Hermit, shmermit. I won't allow the way I think I will look to others determine what I do to make me happy. I'll make the best of here and now and not live in the shadow of a "future me" that is happy because she is thin. I can be happy now, and I can get thin, but those 2 states can function independently of one another. I'm not gonna wait until I'm skinny to do the things I want to do or visit the people I love, because none of us - not one of us - is guaranteed tomorrow. I need to remember that. I need to remember to speak kindly to and about myself. Here's my prayer:

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer. (Psalm 19:14)

May we all remember and reflect on how truly blessed we are, and not be hermits from the world - how on earth can we shine our light inside our shells?